A Slice in Time by Gary Parr - Short, Sci Fi - Two boys, a time machine, and a hankering for pizza. What could possibly go wrong? 3 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Thanks Don

This was a good laugh. Sci-fi with some dark humour at the end, can't really find any faults so well done. Cool title as well.

Thanks man,

glad you liked it ;D

This is fun. Well written, with the balance of description and dialogue just right.

You could consider carrying this forward one extra step.

Perhaps they are confused at first.  Is the "bubbling, steaming pile of goo" actually the pizza, or...something else?

You can make this darker still if you've got the stomach for it.

Hey Bert,

Thanks for the read. Glad you enjoyed it.

Thanks for the feedback, gives me a lot of other ideas ;D

You've got quite the imagination, Gary. :) Very creative. I really like this.

You're writing is much better here than the last script of yours that I read. Still some grammar and punctuation issues, but nothing major. A missing period on page 3 stood out to me.

Short, sweet, and surprisingly dark. My kind of script. Good stuff, Dude.

Hi, Gary, this was an entertaining little short and I think it could actually be made on a pretty small budget.

It does need another edit but what you've got works well.

Quoted from Zack You've got quite the imagination, Gary. :) Very creative. I really like this. You're writing is much better here than the last script of yours that I read. Still some grammar and punctuation issues, but nothing major. A missing period on page 3 stood out to me. Short, sweet, and surprisingly dark. My kind of script. Good stuff, Dude.

Thanks Zack,

glad you liked it. And thanks for the feedback. I'll give another edit to fix the issues you mentioned. :)

Quoted from Warren Hi, Gary, this was an entertaining little short and I think it could actually be made on a pretty small budget. It does need another edit but what you've got works well.

Thanks Warren,

Glad you liked it.

I'll be writing a new draft this weekend to try and improve it.

Quoted from Gary Parr Thanks Zack, glad you liked it. And thanks for the feedback. I'll give another edit to fix the issues you mentioned. :)

No problem. Looking forward to reading more of your work. :)