Wedding Day - Print Topic

Posted by: Don, July 31st, 2021, 9:08am

Wedding Day by Ben Breuer - Short, Thriller - A young woman is imprisoned on her wedding day by a woman with white savior complex. 5 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Posted by: AlexanderLR, August 9th, 2021, 12:52pm; Reply: 1

Quite a unique direction so well done. I have to admit I did have to read it a second time to really get it. Just a few things to consider:

   Don't need the beats. Makes it look too busy.

   Don't need (CONT'D).

   (Shouts Silently) - didn't really get that. Unless she's being watched on a monitor and the FEMALE VOICE has
   switched the sound off?

   Black lifes - should be Black lives. Don't forget to always re-read.

Maybe after...

                          FEMALE VOICE
             You should care more about
             what's going on around you
             and be less self-centered.

...you could then put...

                          CHARLOTTE
           Well excuse me it was my wedding day!

           Don't know if I missed something, but why did the pigeons explode? Was it like a SAW scenario
           where a device is attached to the victim?

           I wonder what happened to the groom? Might be something to think about or delve into. Is he also
           trapped somewhere?

Overall I liked it, just a few tweaks needed here and there. Also remember to finish with FADE OUT or THE END or both.

Posted by: almighty9000, August 12th, 2021, 8:40am; Reply: 2

thank you for the pointers. Very helpful!
I appreciate you reading it. If you have something you would like feedback on just let me know :)

Posted by: AlexanderLR, August 12th, 2021, 11:48am; Reply: 3

You're welcome. Yeah I do have a few scripts but I don't know how to attach them here in the discussion board so you can open them. I've noticed in the forum rules it says 'you may not post attachments'? I'm not very technical you see!

Posted by: AlexanderLR, August 12th, 2021, 11:55am; Reply: 4

Teeth, Terror and Toby

Unboxing

Here a two of my stories if you'd like to have a look.

Posted by: AlexanderLR, August 12th, 2021, 11:58am; Reply: 5

Or search for as I've just realised you can't click on them!! I'll figure it out eventually! LOL

Posted by: LC, August 12th, 2021, 5:48pm; Reply: 6

Alexander & almighty9000,

Here's a link that may help you both:

New Person's Guide to SS:
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-cc/m-1124159895/

You can add script links to your Sig.
You can also post a link to a script, especially considering almighty offered to read in exchange.

Teeth, Terror and Toby:
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-shortcomedy/m-1619789904/s-new/