The Victor House by Robert Timsah - Drama - A distraught husband and wife fight over an ill-fated decision as they struggle to accept loss within the walls of an old Victorian. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Cool story, Robert. enjoyed it.

Several times you put the verb before the noun. Here is an example:

Quoted Text At a sink stands MARIA VICTOR (30s), looking out a small window.

To me, it always reads crisper when it is - noun - verb. i.e. The above would be:

MARIA VICTOR (30s), stands at a sink looking out a small
window.

I would also suggest giving us the complete POV setting when Maria first looks out. e.g., I would consider changing this:

Quoted Text At a sink stands MARIA VICTOR (30s), looking out a small window. She watches SAMUEL VICTOR (30s) who sits in a swing. She exits through the backdoor and into, THE BACKYARD She sits next to Samuel - the two swing slowly. A small three swing set, nestled between two trees. A third swing, stationary, they glance at.

To something like:

MARIA VICTOR (30s), stands at a sink looking out a small
window.

MARIA'S POV:

A pleasant backyard with a small three swing set nestled between two trees.

SAMUEL VICTOR (30s) sits in one of the swings. The other two are empty.

BACK TO SCENE

Maria exits through the backdoor and into --

THE BACKYARD

i.e., no reason not to provide the detail the three swing set the moment we/via Maria - see it.

Anyway - good story - I enjoyed it

Quoted from eldave1 Cool story, Robert. enjoyed it. Several times you put the verb before the noun. Here is an example: To me, it always reads crisper when it is - noun - verb. i.e. The above would be: MARIA VICTOR (30s), stands at a sink looking out a small window. I would also suggest giving us the complete POV setting when Maria first looks out. e.g., I would consider changing this: To something like: MARIA VICTOR (30s), stands at a sink looking out a small window. MARIA'S POV: A pleasant backyard with a small three swing set nestled between two trees. SAMUEL VICTOR (30s) sits in one of the swings. The other two are empty. BACK TO SCENE Maria exits through the backdoor and into -- THE BACKYARD i.e., no reason not to provide the detail the three swing set the moment we/via Maria - see it. Anyway - good story - I enjoyed it

Thanks Dave for giving it a read. I like your suggestions. I don't use POV, well... ever, but can see (in this case) you're right. Closing question - was it clear who Emily is/was?

Quoted from Robert Timsah Thanks Dave for giving it a read. I like your suggestions. I don't use POV, well... ever, but can see (in this case) you're right. Closing question - was it clear who Emily is/was?

Yeah - it was clear to me for sure.

If you don't like POV - maybe consider opening up with Samuel in the backyard - then go to Maria watching him.  Just a throught

Quoted from eldave1 Yeah - it was clear to me for sure. If you don't like POV - maybe consider opening up with Samuel in the backyard - then go to Maria watching him.  Just a throught

Cool thanks.