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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board / Short Horror / Evil's Revenge
Posted by: Don, August 11th, 2021, 3:19pm
Evil's Revenge by CJ Vecchio - Short, Horror - When a tormented woman tries to sell her soul to the Devil to seek vengeance on all those who have done her wrong, the Devil demands she sacrifice her young daughter in order to get her wish… 7 pages - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work
Posted by: eldave1, August 11th, 2021, 5:33pm; Reply: 1
You have an extra title page.
Quoted Text SUSAN (dramatic) When, Master, when? What can I do to prove I am worthy? To seek revenge on all who has me out! To do your bidding and feed you souls! (Latin) Give me a sign! Give me a sign!
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You don't need "dramatic"
Give me a sign is a little worn - maybe use something like
show me the path.
Quoted Text EMMA (raw panic) MOM!
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Don't need - raw panic.
Don't need craze - I'll stop with that point here. But you have a lot of parentheticals that are not needed throughout the script.
Quoted Text DIANE (V.O.) Hey, I’m just letting you know Susan Sanders didn’t make it. The guard was DOA...I’m a little freaked out, maybe... I can come over and spend the night?
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The above really threw me - a DA would ask to spend the night at a Judge's house?
Okay - other than the over use of parentheticals I thought the writing was pretty good. The story as a whole did not quite land for me but this isn't really my genre - it may land with others.
Posted by: ChrisV, August 12th, 2021, 9:53am; Reply: 2
SORRY...I accidentally sent DON the wrong/first draft of my SCRIPT!!!!
Attached is the "Correct" shooting script...Sorry and Thank you.
Posted by: Don, August 12th, 2021, 10:22am; Reply: 3
Posted by: ChrisV, September 14th, 2021, 2:16pm; Reply: 4
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