Moving On by Below Average Score - Sometimes moving on isn't so straightforward.  Short, Dramedy

Writer,

Haha. There you go! I could have done without the tongue in (erm) cheek names, but I liked this a lot. Only thing I’d change is Ben’s goodbye line a bit more clever. Something to hang this story on, according to the challenge, that is.  Still, nice going!

Steve

Hi, writer,

For a one-pager, it is decent and funny. It is also easily filmable. Nothing more to say.

Good luck.  

Ahaha I laughed. Nice, reached the end and going back to - “I’ve always been the center of her world” and laughing some more.

Maybe try to do less characters? The first line reads expositional - I don’t think you need it. This is very effective and a great job for a 2-pager

A pretty simple and straightforward tale. And well-told, too. :) Writing is a bit messy. (Is it Ben's car or Ben's SUV? Pick one.) Still, I enjoyed this one. Good work.

&

Writer;
Age old tale of he (she) who laughs last laughs best.
Nice

Hmm, needs more is my instant reaction.

...she fights
the urge to scream.

Is this her biting her lip and resisting the urge to groan with pleasure... considering what's going on under the covers while she's taking the phone call?

I think you have a good little story here, minus the euphemistic character names and the nod and wink to your readers, but it needs filling out imho. More of Ben's egocentric comments would have been amusing. The centre of the world line was vgood.

If you add just a bit more (like another I just read,) to make me really feel it, both dramatically and comedically, then I'd be more satisfied. As is, I feel like you served up entree only.

Met the brief nicely.

Hi Below Average Score,

I had to do a double-take at "Knutsack".

This was a funny tale, loved it. Not much to give as it's a 1-pager, and a good one at that, but boy howdy that was fun.

Good job.

Sean

Wow. That was short and sweet!

Good luck!

Writer,

Nothing below average about this. Short and very funny.  Great Job.

All the best.

Crikey that was short!

So short I'm not sure what to make of it. It made me chuckle but you had space to do more.

Good luck!

Funny.

Consider changing the corny names. They don't add anything. And, give us even more of Ben's ego. That's what really sells the joke.

Good job.

Jade Knutsack?  I could see using that as a guy's name but a girl?  Man...

First, loved that it wasn't even a full page and you were able to tell a story in that short span.  The story didn't necessarily overwhelm me but it did finally catch my attention with the one-way ticket by the bedside.  But then I wondered -- how in the world do you show that it's a one-way ticket?  That would have to be some amazingly big flashing letters to convey that message.  Either that, or you'd have to really linger a long time on the ticket. Still, you took a big swing with this story, and while you may not have hit a home run, I think you got one in the gap.  Good job and best of luck with it.

Well done for telling a story in one page.

What was the relevance of the fuel blinking red? I thought he had broken down to begin with.

I would have liked it to be a bit longer, expand the phone call in the beginning a little bit with him yabbering on while she clenches the phone/bites her lip/cries out etc etc etc... would improve the punchline later that she is up to something else.

Good work though

Well, this was nice and short. Almost too short to enjoy it. One minor quibble from me: in a matter of moments, as the script describes, Sonia went from fighting the urge to scream to being eaten out by Joey. If she were already cheating (the airline ticket kind of proves that), why fight the urge to scream? I came in a bit lukewarm on this one because I think more could have been done with the idea. Best of luck with this one.

Quoted from Mr. Blonde ...why fight the urge to scream?...

I think she was fighting the urge to scream because Joey was good at it  ;D

Quoted from Matthew Taylor I think she was fighting the urge to scream because Joey was good at it  ;D

Damn it, you're right. I missed that one. Good call, Matt.

Points for brevity, made me smile, could be expanded a little...