Bastard Memories by blank, also - Goodbyes can be devastating...  Short, Drama

Hi, writer,

This is a nice scope for a good bunch of actors to show potential emotional acting. However, the story itself somehow seems incomplete to me. Since there were three more pages available for you to write, you could have focused more on the reason behind the heated argument and show us some dialog exchange between the two people. I feel the complete absence of the second person's perspective in the story made it lackluster.

Good luck.

Writer,

Started out good but really didn’t go far. Kinda surprised as it seems the father was abused by the mother? Do I have that right? I know it happens, but you just don’t see it much. That said, there just wasn’t much tension or backstory to let us know these people a little more. With that, it’s lacking. There’s more that could have been done with this. Good work!

Steve

Writer, you may have missed a key mark here. If I understand the rules, only one is aware the other isn't coming back. But the way it's written, it is obvious that both father and son know the father isn't coming back. A little more of the back story would clean this up.
But good entry.

Hi blank, also,

I think you did a great job with a short with no dialogue. Not having that dialogue I think packs a bigger punch in the gut for a script like this, as we rely on visual cues and emotional expressions. You also touch on a subject that's not really seen (or even mentioned), which is domestic abuse where the wife is beating the husband. You don't even tell us, just hearing the argument and seeing the bruises shows that he's the victim here, and it's very effective.

A suggestion I have would be to introduce David after Tyler exits his bedroom. Maybe have Tyler exit his bedroom to kinda eavesdrop/peek down the hallway at where the parents bedroom is. He can see the silhouette of his father, and THAT'S when we are introduced to David. I feel like that order would be a bit better, but not sure. Give it a try?

As Roland had said, maybe try and change things up to make it seem like Tyler doesn't know that David isn't coming back, because right now it DOES seem like they both know that David isn't coming back. Maybe have a shot where Tyler is looking out the window and watching David leave, like a dog who watches their owner leave hoping they'll come back. That sorta thing. I think that's an easy fix for what Roland pointed out.

Otherwise, this was a great tale. Very emotional, very effective. No dialogue packed a bigger punch, and doing it in such a short page amount was good.

Good job.

Sean

Writer,

I like your approach without the use of dialogue.  You're good at setting up a scene with emotion.   David def didn't say goodbye with words. I'm on the fence if a five-year-old would think dad is coming back without hearing the words he's leaving for good.  If you decide to pursue this story any further, it might help to tighten that aspect up a little.  At any rate, decent effort. Good luck.

All the best.

Hey writer

Writing needs improvement but I really like the story.

Personally, I would keep it from the kids perspective, as in the camera stays in his room, he hears the creaky floorboards outside and opens the door to see his father, we see the father through the door. Keeps the story about him.

As the owner of a 5-year-old, I doubt he would be aware that his father isn't coming back, so fits the parameters for me.

Good job

Hi Blank, also

A well written emotionally driven short. Focussing on just sounds, action and expression to tell the story was commendable. Probably would agree that a little more context to why the father is leaving would really add to the narrative. Maybe just another two pages?

But overall impressive, well done.

Another very good, albeit somewhat depressing entry.

The lack of any dialogue was an interesting choice and I think it paid off well. After all nothing really needed saying here (although I'm not sure if that necessarily meets the criteria), and the frequent use of O.S. sounds was an interesting choice too.

Well done!

I like that you gave us the twist regarding the abuse. Wives abusing husbands is a very real problem that never gets attention.

To make it more powerful, you could have used our expectations against us. Maybe there's the audible sound of a slap. Make it obvious that abuse is happening. Then, later, reveal it's not what we ALL thought.

Good job.

Oh, and one side note... for a second, I thought this might be a Zack script... and the wife was in the duffel bag. Dead, of course. But, then I realized the title was Bastard Memories, not Orphan Memories.

I'm really on the fence about this one. It's well written, no doubt, and it even meets all the parameters (saying goodbye without saying goodbye).  I just wonder if the father would have left the child there in what is presumably an abusive relationship.  Would the child be in danger now?  The father obviously cares about the kid so leaving him there doesn't feel like an option.  Maybe he takes the kid with him and they're effectively saying goodbye to the mom.

Or the other dad.  Could be a same sex relationship.  I'm not judging.

But overall good job on this.  Best of luck with it.

Gotta admit, I'm partial to the lack of dialogue in this one. Usually, in these emotional-type stories, you can either go heavy on the dialogue to build a rapport with characters who experience some sort of trauma, or you can go dialogue-free in order to accentuate the emotions. I'm grateful you chose the latter here, as it works to your benefit. I would recommend one change and that's at at the end, when David leaves, he doesn't turn back to say goodbye to Tyler. I'd have him look back with a nod and a little wave, but that may just be me. This may be my personal favorite to this point because there's a hopefulness to it, but it's not sappy. Best of luck with this one.

Another short one. Depressing as fuck, too. My kind of script. ;D

Count me as one who thinks dialog might have helped add even more emotion to this one.

&

Poignant in the couple of pages you give us but feels like it needed more to give it depth.

Hey man,

We discussed this briefly, but figured I'd give you a bump. Some good comments above. It didn't occur to me that Tyler might not understand his father is going away permanently. That makes a lot of sense and maybe is something worth exploring. I also agree that you might be selling yourself short with two pages. You could actually add a lot in one page and still keep the brevity that seems to be working for the script as a whole.

Overall, I dug it. Nice cohesive concept yet with interesting implications, and the lack of dialogue works to drive the emotional punch home. Not bad.  

So... the wife IS in the duffel bag. :)

Quoted from PKCardinal So... the wife IS in the duffel bag. :)

Nope. :)

Thanks for all the reads and comments.

This script is actually inspired by one of my earliest memories. Luckily for me, my dad eventually came back(like 5 years later)and my mom eventually got sober and completely turned her life around. So proud of her. :) But I'll never forget the night he left. It's a surreal dreamlike memory that couldn't be pried from my mind if I wanted it to.

Thanks again, everyone, for reading. :)

Quoted from James McClung Hey man, We discussed this briefly, but figured I'd give you a bump. Some good comments above. It didn't occur to me that Tyler might not understand his father is going away permanently. That makes a lot of sense and maybe is something worth exploring. I also agree that you might be selling yourself short with two pages. You could actually add a lot in one page and still keep the brevity that seems to be working for the script as a whole. Overall, I dug it. Nice cohesive concept yet with interesting implications, and the lack of dialogue works to drive the emotional punch home. Not bad.

Always appreciate a bump. ;D Thanks, Dude. Happy you enjoyed this one.

Quoted from Zack Nope. :)

I was kidding. Just a Zack joke, cause they're so fun!

This was a wonderful script. To know that it has truth to it is heartbreaking and makes it even more powerful.

Quoted from PKCardinal Just a Zack joke, cause they're so fun!

Story of my life. Lol.  :P

Quoted from PKCardinal This was a wonderful script. To know that it has truth to it is heartbreaking and makes it even more powerful.

Thank you for the kind words. Really appreciate it. :)