Hi.

This is my logline.

When a perfectionist football college player is asked to foster his late sister’s daughter, his new parenting role and the past traumas that surface with it jeopardize his dream to become professional.


Thank you very much in advance for your feedback.

P.S. The title is just temporary.

Arturo.

Well , you can streamline it a little …

When a college football player is tasked with fostering his niece after his sister’s death, his new parenting role threatens to jeopardize his dream of turning pro.

Hi.

I like it that way!

What do you think? Does it have any potential?

Thank you!

Well, you’re the one writing it, so… :)

You have written it, right? Or do you have only a logline to start?

You mentioned the protagonist had a past trauma. I’d make that specifically part of the logline. Give it a little more oomph. Right now the stars are he may not be able to be a pro footballer. What about his sister? How did she die? Murder? Sickness? The cause may play into your logline as well.

Hi.

I just have the logline :)

I was thinking the protagonist had previously experienced light symptoms of PTSD without knowing it (he and his sister were victims of child abuse. He played sports to cope with the effects of the abuse while his sister used drugs.)
Once he is taking care of the child, every mistake the protagonist makes while rising him creates a burden because he thinks he is like his father.  Thus, he now experiences full PTSD symptoms.

About the sister I was thinking she died of an overdose (she was a junkie in the protagonist's eyes.... she was weak for using drugs). The protagonist at the beginning reluctantly fosters the child, but once he realizes the real damage that the abuse created on him and his sister, he understood her decisions and learns how to raise the child.

All good ideas. Now get writing, friend-O

Arturo, it's a good idea to include a title (even if just a Working title) at the top of your thread.

I just did it. Thank you for the advise.

A College footballer's dream of turning pro is jeopardized after he fosters his recently orphaned niece and begins reliving past traumas.

Thank you everybody!!

Quoted from SteveClark When a college football player is tasked with fostering his niece after his sister’s death, his new parenting role threatens to jeopardize his dream of turning pro.

IMO, this right here is pretty much perfect.

Reading subsequent posts, I see the protag has a past trauma. It wouldn't hurt to allude to it in the logline, but I don't think it's necessary in this case as Steve's take already provides a strong hook.

One thing to consider, though, is the niece. Is there an issue with her? Something that would add drama and conflict? Is she a delinquent? Special needs? Struggling with her sexuality? Is there something about her that would add another obstacle to his having to foster her?

Just a thought.

Hi. I've added a little more information to the log line base on your input.

On the verge of a pro career, a cold college football player chances are jeopardized when he must raise his orphaned niece who has Down syndrome.

Thank you very much for your feedback.

You need an apostrophe: football player's chances.

I don't know much about American Football so I'm assuming the word: cold is untried?

It's always difficult tweaking a logline without a script, but I personally preferred the word: dreams - more emotive. Does he get to play pro? If not, dreams are crushed would be good.

Does he have to raise her because of the death of her parents ala Raising Helen? Again, more desperate, no choice, more emotive, if so.

You have a lot of good advice above.

Hi. Thank you for the reply.

"I don't know much about American Football so I'm assuming the word: cold is untried?": I'm using cold as a personality trait. The protagonist grew up being abused by his father and his mother was not present since he was 7 years old. So due to this detachment from the caregiver, now in the adult stage, he does not deeply connect with people. Being pushed by the circumstances to take care of his niece will demand the protagonist to connect with his own past and people around him.

Quoted from Arturo Hi. Thank you for the reply. "I don't know much about American Football so I'm assuming the word: cold is untried?": I'm using cold as a personality a trait. The protagonist grew up being abused by his father and his mother was not present since he was 7 years old. So due to this detachment from the caregiver, now in the adult stage, he does not deeply connect with people. Being pushed by the circumstances to take care of his niece will demand the protagonist to connect with his own past and people around him.

Ah, okay. Well that doesn't work imho, cause you're tacking on the personality trait with the occupation or ambition part of the logline.

Cold--hearted maybe...

Steve and Matthew gave more on-point suggestions imho in linking the situation with the conflict/dilemma/choice.

You don't need to tell us all the full story details in the logline with his past, the sister, father etc. That's detailed in your actual story.

I can't better Steve's suggestion. The nuts and bolts are there.
Write the script, refine the log later if you want.

Ahoy Arturo,

Yes, loglines are tricky. I like to use the old adage "Throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks." Sorry, I luv the imagery.  And I luv to cook. Throwing spaghetti on the wall is how you know spaghetti is fully cooked. If it sticks to the wall, you have cooked it long enough. It it does not stick, you need to cook it more.  However, the real problem with that adage is that overcooked spaghetti sticks to the wall too! Ha! Ha!  

Quoted Text "I don't know much about American Football so I'm assuming the word: cold is untried?": I'm using cold as a personality trait. The protagonist grew up being abused by his father and his mother was not present since he was 7 years old. So due to this detachment from the caregiver, now in the adult stage, he does not deeply connect with people. Being pushed by the circumstances to take care of his niece will demand the protagonist to connect with his own past and people around him.

I get it, i do, but be careful -- you don't want your logline to become way too character dense - coz it'll suck all the oxygen out of what might be an interesting story about your protagonist. :)

Quoted Text When a college football player is tasked with fostering his niece after his sister’s death, his new parenting role threatens to jeopardize his dream of turning pro.

Personally I prefer Steve's suggestion.

That said, as you write your story, it evolves, things develop, and things constantly change. So Libby is spot on with her comments. G'Luck with it. :)

Thank you guys!1 i really, really appreciate your comments!!

Agreeing to raise his late sister’s kid, surfaces a college football star’s trauma which threatens his life-long dream of playing in the NFL.

With a lucrative pro career almost in his grasp, a troubled college football star chances losing it all when he agrees to raise his late sister's developmentally challenged daughter.