Dark Spaces by XXX7377283 - A brother and sister must spend the daytime in a closet, but what could possibly be after them?  Short, Horror

Hi,

First one to read. And, sorry to say, didn't enjoy it. Far too short and littered with quite a few mistakes. There's not enough here to form a story. So overall, this did very little for me.

Good luck.
Glenn.

Shortness is good. So is low character count and easy locations. Getting a compelling narrative into those constrictions is the trick. This one didn’t quite hold together for me. One scene stories are what shorts are about but there isn’t enough depth in the story. All we learn is they’re

SPOILERS

vampires and that’s it. But I think it could look and feel good if you worked on it more and shot it.

Ugh. That water print at the top of each page. Woof!

Phone number on the script, huh? Let's give you a quick ring... :)  :P

Is light supposed to be creeping in from the cracks under the door? As written, that's not clear.

The boy marks an X on the calendar. -- What calendar?

Why are none of these characters introduced properly?

Not much here. Who is the villain? Neither one of these kids seems particularly villainous, even if they are vampires. And there was no mention of Halloween. :(

Sorry, but this one is a misfire for me.

Good job getting something in.

Hi writer,

Sorry to say but this one has nothing going for it. No proper character introduction. Improper formatting. And I am afraid to say that there is no story here. I get that she is a vampire and she obviously wants blood. However, there is nothing here, to begin with. Plus, there is very little to no given theme present.

Sorry to say but, this is a misfire.  

Writer,

Congrats on getting an entry in! However, I was really lost as to what game they were playing and how it ended up the way it did. Now, it’s obvious there were some newb errors here, like introducing your characters properly. But you had like 11 more pages to play with to make us understand your story better and you didn’t take advantage of that. That’s what upsets me. Give me a chance to see your vision!

Anyway, good job on entering. These challenges aren’t easy. Would like to hear your explanations when the challenge is over.

Steve

Hi XXX7377283.

Very short stories do go down well here and I've gotta give you credit for getting a narrative in 1 page, but it is a very limited narrative. It's so short we don't learn anything about this boy and girl other than they're in a closet and the girl is a vampire. It needed a couple more pages for context to give it that edge. The writing was decent though.

Anyway well done for entering and I think we're all in for some tough criticism with this one :(

No mention of Halloween. A very short single location that just doesn't offer us much character development. And what was the finger game they were playing? I had problems with some formatting that others have or might mention, like characters names and how they are introduced, even in a 3 page short.
But a little more info and motivation would still keep it short. But mention Halloween when you do.
But keep writing. It grows on you.

With the demonstration version of Fade In and the style of writing, I'm guessing this is someone fairly new to writing screenplays, forgive me if that is incorrect.

I guessed this was about vampires on page 1 and then was surprised that it was all over by page 2. You've created an interesting premise, you just need to expand on it. Who are these characters? Why are they in the closet? Who is handing them the blood and why? What are the characters going to do to overcome these obstacles? If you know the answers to those questions, elaborate in the script and show the audience, don't tell them. If you don't, then you don't have a complete story.

Keep writing, keep trying and well done for entering a tough challenge.

Quoted from MarkRenshaw With the demonstration version of Fade In and the style of writing, I'm guessing this is someone fairly new to writing screenplays, forgive me if that is incorrect.

I use the demonstration version of FADE IN, I just use a free PDF editor afterwards to white out the watermarks... I am very cheap

Anyway, writer, this is a good effort, keep writing/reading/practising and your storytelling will improve. I am assuming this is your first OWC, I hope you enter more as they are great for getting feedback quickly and helping to improve.

We have all the hallmarks of a new writer here. If so, welcome to the club!

The good: you have the start of an interesting idea here: Two young people hide in a closet and we don't know why.

The bad: you really didn't do anything with it.

Once you have interesting characters and setting, you need to stress them, generally with a hard to reach goal. For example, in your story, one of them is thirsty. What if her condition is life-threatening... and the blood she needs is in a shed outside - inside the veins of their abusive captor? (In your story, someone conveniently hands them a cup of blood. You can do much better.)

Once you have the basic story, you apply the twist. In your case, it's vampirism. So, backing up... she's dying in the closet. We don't know why. The boy has to get what she needs (we don't know what). He has to take weird precautions to get it. He kills the captor to get... blood. Surprise! They are vampires.

Anyway, assuming, again, that you are new... I highly recommend The Screenwriter's Bible by Dave Trottier. You'll learn easy fixes for many of the beginner errors that you made (and that we all made).

Good luck!

I hope that's not your phone number on the title page.

Congrats on entering and hopefully you're reading other scripts.

Try to name your characters it gives it a more personal feel.

Flesh out your story more.. The logline had me interested so thats a plus.

Good luck

I'll give you one thing, the formatting was fine.

The rest, not so much, sorry. I think I kinda get what you were going for and I am a big fan of vampires, but if you strip back some of the descriptions, you basically have 1/2 page of a story. What you have just doesn't make much sense.

Keep on writing though.

So clearly a newbie writer, well done for getting an entry in...

Format of the slugs should be as follows

INT/EXT. LOCATION - TIME OF DAY

So yours would be

INT. CLOSET - DAY

The writing is all very passive, an error I (and all new writers make) make when starting out... for screenplays write in an active voice.

So for example

The boy and girl are laughing. The girl is holding up two
fingers and the boy is holding up one.

Would be written as

The boy and girl laugh. The girl holds up up two
fingers and the boy holds up one.

Makes for a smoother read.

The story is short, and I could kinds see where it was going, but it has the advantage of just one location and two characters... some more work on this and it could work.

I like the 'Let the Right One In' vibe of innocents as vampires.
I suggest you make them young - pre-teen. They read younger to me, maybe I conjured that cause a closet is only so big.

Should be (CONT'D) btw.
and unless following onto the next page you can turn character CONT'Ds off in dialogue in your software for a sleeker read.

No need for the draft number either.

A young man about 18 looks disappointed. He is
out of breath.
A YOUNG MAN, 18,

Same with GIRL - & add her age.

a glass that is a deep red.
We get the inherent meaning that it's what's in the glass that is deep red in colour, but being finicky, this comes across as a red glass. Just sayIn'.

Incorporating some Halloween paraphernalia - masks or outfits might have added another layer to this, and just a touch more story/suspense, macabre feel.

This is perhaps a bit too short without a really knockout reveal, but you're onto something here.
Having the kids (make them younger) rope in some unsuspecting other kid at a party and lure him or her upstairs with the premise of it being a game, might have made these two true villains... But that's another story.  :D

I loved this line:

GIRL (cont'd)
Ok ok! Never have I ever... felt the
sun on my skin!

Definitely expand on this when the OWC is over

Tried to come up with a reason why a pair of vampires would hide away in a closet playing games but came up blank. At least it was short.