Don't Go In The Shed by Sean Elwood - Short, Horror - While taking care of a wheelchair-bound patient in a strange man's home, a curious caretaker learns a valuable lesson: don't go in the shed. 7 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Sean,

After reading it, I was unable to fully understand what happened, so I can't say much. However, it was an interesting read in terms of the visuals.

Good luck.

Hey Yuv,

Thanks for reading this! Even if it wasn't fully understandable. Let me break it down for ya, hopefully it'll make more sense after my explanation (but then again, if I have to explain, maybe I didn't fully write out the story properly):

SPOILERS

Heather is, obviously, a caretaker for Tom and his wife, Margaret. Some time ago, Tom was transformed into a vampire by this creature that he ended up holing up in the shed to take care of and feed. It his his "Master". Tom, being a vampire as well, lures caretakers into his home to feed to the creature. Heather just happened to get herself killed before Tom had a chance to do it himself.

So why is Margaret much older than Tom? They used to be the same age before Tom turned into a vampire. He doesn't really want to kill Margaret, but he essentially absorbs her life force/energy over time to stay "alive". This is why Margaret is much older because her life is literally being drained from her by Tom. He is not a vampire that sucks the blood of people (at least, with Margaret and the caretakers), but absorbs their energy instead. This is why he says, "Margaret is the only thing that keeps me going these days. With her love, with her life."

This also explains why the cross in the sunroom is missing; additionally, the one photograph of the previous caretaker and Margaret standing to the side of the picture where there should be room for Tom, he's actually supposed to be in the photo, but since he's a vampire, he doesn't appear on film.

Margaret's favorite room is the sunroom for obvious reasons. But since it's overcast during this story, he's essentially capable of going outside during the day without bursting into flames because the clouds are covering the sun (these are my own rules, idk how vampire lore really works but I figure they can be like zombies and you can create your own rules).

I hope this all made sense. Let me know if you have any other questions. Glad you enjoyed the visuals, and thanks again for reading.

Sean

Quoted from Zombie Sean Hey Yuv, Thanks for reading this! Even if it wasn't fully understandable. Let me break it down for ya, hopefully it'll make more sense after my explanation (but then again, if I have to explain, maybe I didn't fully write out the story properly): SPOILERS Heather is, obviously, a caretaker for Tom and his wife, Margaret. Some time ago, Tom was transformed into a vampire by this creature that he ended up holing up in the shed to take care of and feed. It his his "Master". Tom, being a vampire as well, lures caretakers into his home to feed to the creature. Heather just happened to get herself killed before Tom had a chance to do it himself. So why is Margaret much older than Tom? They used to be the same age before Tom turned into a vampire. He doesn't really want to kill Margaret, but he essentially absorbs her life force/energy over time to stay "alive". This is why Margaret is much older because her life is literally being drained from her by Tom. He is not a vampire that sucks the blood of people (at least, with Margaret and the caretakers), but absorbs their energy instead. This is why he says, "Margaret is the only thing that keeps me going these days. With her love, with her life." This also explains why the cross in the sunroom is missing; additionally, the one photograph of the previous caretaker and Margaret standing to the side of the picture where there should be room for Tom, he's actually supposed to be in the photo, but since he's a vampire, he doesn't appear on film. Margaret's favorite room is the sunroom for obvious reasons. But since it's overcast during this story, he's essentially capable of going outside during the day without bursting into flames because the clouds are covering the sun (these are my own rules, idk how vampire lore really works but I figure they can be like zombies and you can create your own rules). I hope this all made sense. Let me know if you have any other questions. Glad you enjoyed the visuals, and thanks again for reading. Sean

Lol. I am also a dumbo in regards to vampire stories. I don't read them. That is why I did not get it. I was trying to make sense of the story in a layman's term. Now I understand it.    

Hi Sean, I hope you are well.

I enjoyed this and picked up the bread crumbs you left (Same age in the photo, missing cross, invisible in the photo) - nice little touches.

The only thing that felt out of place for me was the caretaker's determination to go into the shed on day 1, to the point she forcefully broke into it - personally, I thought she needed a bigger reason to want to get in there so much, more than an old lady staring at it and the old man saying it's private.

All the best

Matt

Quoted from Matthew Taylor Hi Sean, I hope you are well. I enjoyed this and picked up the bread crumbs you left (Same age in the photo, missing cross, invisible in the photo) - nice little touches. The only thing that felt out of place for me was the caretaker's determination to go into the shed on day 1, to the point she forcefully broke into it - personally, I thought she needed a bigger reason to want to get in there so much, more than an old lady staring at it and the old man saying it's private. All the best Matt

Matt,

Thanks for giving this a look over. Really appreciate it.

Glad you were able to pick up the clues. Never sure how well my small details get across so I'm glad you spotted them out. Hopefully they didn't give away too much, too soon.

Yes, I do agree with you that the caretaker's determination to get into the shed moves too quickly. Since I wrote this as a short, and tried making it as short as possible, I tried making it apparent that she's a very nosy girl (i.e. trying hard to get in the shed, peeking into the sunroom and spying on Margaret while she's on the phone). I plan on expanding this into a feature and would definitely stretch out the caretaker's determination to break into the shed to help build suspense and make it more believable. I suppose I have a couple more pages I could utilize and still keep this a nice little short, but the feature is toward the top of the list for me to complete!

Thanks again for the read!

Sean

Hi Zombie Sean. Trust you are well. Reading your script, I was a bit confused. Then after reading the comments hereto, for all your explanation... giving it another read was more clear - Great story, well done.

Quoted from Zombie Sean Matt, Thanks for giving this a look over. Really appreciate it. Glad you were able to pick up the clues. Never sure how well my small details get across so I'm glad you spotted them out. Hopefully they didn't give away too much, too soon. Yes, I do agree with you that the caretaker's determination to get into the shed moves too quickly. Since I wrote this as a short, and tried making it as short as possible, I tried making it apparent that she's a very nosy girl (i.e. trying hard to get in the shed, peeking into the sunroom and spying on Margaret while she's on the phone). I plan on expanding this into a feature and would definitely stretch out the caretaker's determination to break into the shed to help build suspense and make it more believable. I suppose I have a couple more pages I could utilize and still keep this a nice little short, but the feature is toward the top of the list for me to complete! Thanks again for the read! Sean

It didn't give away too much too soon for me, and there was a misdirect in there (intentional or not) with the picture of the past housekeeper, as I assumed it was her in the shed (dead or tied up) and Tom would come back to get Heather, so the reveal of the creature in the shed landed well.

What's up, Dude? I know I already shared my thoughts with you on this, but I wanted to share my thoughts here as well.

This is awesome. Really unique take on the vampire sub-genre, which admittedly isn't really one of my favorites. Still, I picked up on all the little clues you sprinkled in throughout the story. Really clever visual storytelling going on here. :)

This dialog in this draft is also much better than the draft I read earlier. Much more natural.

I also think the ending is better in this draft. I remember being a little confused last time, but I was with you the whole ride this time.

Great stuff, Dude. Won't be surprised if this one gets snagged up quickly. :)

This was pretty good. Nice descriptions, flowed well.

I don't know why Tom didn't just feed Heather to the thing in the shed though from the start. Why did he go through the bother of hiring her and assuming she would mosey into the shed by herself? Why didn't he leave a key for her to find to make it easier for her to succumb to her curiosity if that was his intention all along?

I think the dialogue between Heather and her friend on the phone is very good, and with Tom. The "dialogue" between her and Margaret could have done with a bit more work. That scene where she meets Margaret you could have her try to make conversation with her a bit more - talk about more practical things - e.g. "Tom has gone into town to get you something."- build on the awkwardness of the silence.

You could maybe have had a few more pictures of women at different ages - they could all be pictures of Margaret at different stages as she's been sucked dry. Heather could ask if they are her daughters.  

More buildup to her venturing into the shed would have been good.

Overall, good job.

Quoted from BarryJohn Hi Zombie Sean. Trust you are well. Reading your script, I was a bit confused. Then after reading the comments hereto, for all your explanation... giving it another read was more clear - Great story, well done.

Thank you for reading, Barry. Since things are a bit confusing until after I explain, is there any way I could clear anything up in the script to make the explanation a bit more obvious?

Thanks again!

Sean

Quoted from Zack What's up, Dude? I know I already shared my thoughts with you on this, but I wanted to share my thoughts here as well. This is awesome. Really unique take on the vampire sub-genre, which admittedly isn't really one of my favorites. Still, I picked up on all the little clues you sprinkled in throughout the story. Really clever visual storytelling going on here. :) This dialog in this draft is also much better than the draft I read earlier. Much more natural. I also think the ending is better in this draft. I remember being a little confused last time, but I was with you the whole ride this time. Great stuff, Dude. Won't be surprised if this one gets snagged up quickly. :)

As always, Zack, thanks for reading, and glad you liked it. I know the first draft was a complete mess and didn't make much sense, even to me, but after cleaning it up this one is definitely much better. Your approval makes it all the better! :P

Sean

Quoted from The Moviegoer This was pretty good. Nice descriptions, flowed well. I don't know why Tom didn't just feed Heather to the thing in the shed though from the start. Why did he go through the bother of hiring her and assuming she would mosey into the shed by herself? Why didn't he leave a key for her to find to make it easier for her to succumb to her curiosity if that was his intention all along?

This is all a very good point. To build tension, I suppose. But I like the idea of him making it a bit easier for her to get into the shed. Actually, in my feature idea, I've thought about having it to where Tom falls in love with Heather and eventually tries to make her the new Margaret (spoilers, I suppose, but who knows when, or even if, I'll ever get to the feature. So that could be a good reason why he doesn't exactly just toss her in the shed and feed her to the master vampire.

Quoted from The Moviegoer I think the dialogue between Heather and her friend on the phone is very good, and with Tom. The "dialogue" between her and Margaret could have done with a bit more work. That scene where she meets Margaret you could have her try to make conversation with her a bit more - talk about more practical things - e.g. "Tom has gone into town to get you something."- build on the awkwardness of the silence.

I like building on the awkwardness of the silence between Heather and Margaret. I can make Heather a nosy, outgoing, extroverted person who likes having conversation but when she's the caretaker of an essential mute, she can struggle with trying to have a convo with her.

Quoted from The Moviegoer You could maybe have had a few more pictures of women at different ages - they could all be pictures of Margaret at different stages as she's been sucked dry. Heather could ask if they are her daughters.

I like this idea. Thanks!

Quoted from The Moviegoer More buildup to her venturing into the shed would have been good.

I'll consider this as well, and also give her more reason to break into the shed in the first place. I wanted to make her just a very curious, nosy person. The cat statue kinda represents her (curiosity kills the cat), and her digging through drawers and looking for keys and such. But I'll see if I can build the tension more.

I tried making this script as short as possible which is why it feels rushed. In the feature, she'd be staying at the place for days, if not weeks, and that would help make more sense with her curiosity in the shed and the build up to when she'd finally discover what's inside it.

Thanks for reading! And your great suggestions. Really appreciated.

Sean

Good day, Zombie Sean.

In reply to you...

Thank you for reading, Barry. Since things are a bit confusing until after I explain, is there any way I could clear anything up in the script to make the explanation a bit more obvious?

As per your explanation - giving clarity to your story (your initial above reply post). Did I only get the real story and plot. Cause, this should not be the case for the reader outside of this forum, SS. (And, that is the beauty of SS, in that we pre-view each other's work before sending it on)

Your writing is impeccable, very visual. Don't go into the shed - I got that you did not what to give too much away... and rather want the reader to be mystified and put the pictures (clues) together themselves, to then at the end give the reader a "punch ending" It's here that there was no punch ending - the confusion. Any story that does this will not satisfy a reader (audience) - why must I watch a movie that I did not understand, so what was the worth of watching it in the first place!

Take all you wrote above in your explanation and "filter" it into your scripts (rewrite). Breakaway from fragmented writing and smooth the pace and bring us in slower... give us more information, just enough to keep us wondering, then hit us with an ending that finally reveals the overall storyline - plot ending. Take it from 8 pages to 15 if you must.

Again... a unique take to a common premise that's well written and very visual. Nice.

All the best.



  

Quoted from BarryJohn Good day, Zombie Sean. In reply to you... Thank you for reading, Barry. Since things are a bit confusing until after I explain, is there any way I could clear anything up in the script to make the explanation a bit more obvious? As per your explanation - giving clarity to your story (your initial above reply post). Did I only get the real story and plot. Cause, this should not be the case for the reader outside of this forum, SS. (And, that is the beauty of SS, in that we pre-view each other's work before sending it on) Your writing is impeccable, very visual. Don't go into the shed - I got that you did not what to give too much away... and rather want the reader to be mystified and put the pictures (clues) together themselves, to then at the end give the reader a "punch ending" It's here that there was no punch ending - the confusion. Any story that does this will not satisfy a reader (audience) - why must I watch a movie that I did not understand, so what was the worth of watching it in the first place! Take all you wrote above in your explanation and "filter" it into your scripts (rewrite). Breakaway from fragmented writing and smooth the pace and bring us in slower... give us more information, just enough to keep us wondering, then hit us with an ending that finally reveals the overall storyline - plot ending. Take it from 8 pages to 15 if you must. Again... a unique take to a common premise that's well written and very visual. Nice. All the best.

You're very right. You should've read the first draft of the idea for this script! It was a mess and even more confusing. But, at least this one makes sense, even after I explain myself. You're very right it shouldn't be the reader's job to have to figure out what's going on (in most cases, I suppose).

That's all very good advice up there. I may have to stretch this short out a few more pages if I wanna keep it short, but I am very interested in working on a feature as well. I'll definitely take your advice for the time being and be sure to incorporate the explanation into my work, short or feature. I just don't want to spoon-feed the audience, ya know!

Thanks for expanding, really appreciate it.

Sean

You are most welcome young zombie lady. All the best forward.

Quoted from BarryJohn You are most welcome young zombie lady. All the best forward.

Uhh... Sean's a dude. Lol