Santa's Coming by Harry and Lloyd - When a man discovers no presents under the tree early Christmas morning, he knows something is up. Or someone...  Short, Comedy

Nice one, guys!

SPOILERS:




MICHAEL
Mom, look! Santa came! Santa came!
Brock gives Joyce the evil eye.
BROCK
He sure did, son. He sure did.
From outside, SLEIGH BELLS are heard, then --
SANTA (O.S.)
Ho ho ho!
Joyce, uncomfortable, straightens her shirt.
BROCK
You can say that again.

This dialogue ^ was on the money & raised a chuckle.  :D

Not sure the homeless stuff landed for me but the rest was entertaining for sure, and you met the parameters with showing/revealing the secret (twice actually) and not telling.

Great job!

Santa’s Coming… I remember Lloyd’s (from ‘Dumb and Dumber’, and ‘Dumb and Dumber To’) last name was Christmas, little Easter egg there I guess… and many more so, lol.

“Tasteful Christmas decorations adorn a home” is definitely not a precursor of what’s to ‘come’; oh lord… no. I guess the clues left about, or lack there of for that matter (meaning there’s no presents or eaten cookies to be had), is the first chink in the armour for Brock.

Nasty! Only the second time I’ve heard a reference to a ‘queef’ in a movie, or script, ‘cept a meme stating “I would rather listen to an autotuned queef on a loop than listen to Ariana Grande’s new album”… I concur.

Then of course the ultimate clue is the fact that Joyce wanted Brock to catch her balling Ol’ St. Nick to slam home the notion that their marriage is on the rocks. I see what you did there… have to get up pretty early in the morning, Christmas morning, if you wanna fool me, err… Brock.

I honestly thought this was going the way of Bad Santa and the dude banging Joyce was just some mall Santa she met at, well… probably the mall. But then the magic happened, as it rightfully should on Christmas morning, and we find out it was in fact the ‘Man’ himself’… my dreams are fully crushed now, thanks pal.

Then there’s the Easter Bunny, and that’s even more bizarre, cause we’re potentially delving into bestiality, lol. Could have been worse I guess, it could have been the Tooth Fairy, and that would be ghey, but can you blame Brock? Oh, the humanity of it all!

Best of luck!

Ahoy writers,

I luv the whimsical bits to this light-hearted comedy. My first reaction to Brock catching them In flagrante delicto was ughhh... cos of his reaction, but you guys brought it home in the end. Wasn’t expecting that. I liked it. It made me smile, and made me chuckle. I like your dialog, and your situations were great, but have to agree with Libby, the homeless man bit sorta fell flat for me. Good stuff. :)

MOD'S NOTE: **REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS**

I am going to start by saying this doesn't feel like it met the parameters as I understand them. Brock's wife doesn't reveal the secret with clues, Brock finds Santa doing the ho-ho grind on her. Brock's wife doesn't discover that Brock is making out like bunnies with the Easter bunny and he doesn't drop any clues. Plus, where is the deadly consequence of this secret, that they get to enjoy Christmas morning opening presents?

HOWEVER - I'm throwing all that aside as this challenge was hard and anyone who entered is going to get points from me. I also liked it, I liked the way it was written and the Easter Bunny twist at the end made me smile.

Great job!

Plus, where is the deadly consequence of this secret, that they get to enjoy Christmas morning opening presents?

Mark, Yuvraj clarified the initial deadly bit:

If you need to show a character's death then show it. If you don't want to then don't do it.

Consequences can be physical, emotional, or psychological. Or all of these.

...

Interpret it in your own way.

This was really funny. For some reason, I am most amused that the Easter Bunny is named Rhonda. I love that. For that matter, it was great that the wife referred to Santa simply as Chris. Those little details matter.

Were there clues? Maybe? Ah, who cares. A successful script.

MOD'S NOTE: **REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS**

Quoted from LC Plus, where is the deadly consequence of this secret, that they get to enjoy Christmas morning opening presents? Mark, Yuvraj clarified the initial deadly bit: If you need to show a character's death then show it. If you don't want to then don't do it. Consequences can be physical, emotional, or psychological. Or all of these. ... Interpret it in your own way.

Thanks for the clarification both here and in the main thread. I get that deadly consequences doesn't mean death  and to be honest I never thought it was that black and white anyway.  I just don't see anything that can be defined as deadly consequences in this story at all. There isn't any consequences of his wife shagging Santa or him having an affair with the Easter Bunny. As I said though, I'm not going to be deducting any points for this as it's a good script.

A big SQUEAL from me. Bedroom scene is precious. A new take on "A Christmas Story". Sorry to admit this, but I thought you invented the "queef" word.   Googled it.  OMG!  I "fluttered" laughing (really); inappropriately maybe?  
Special, none the less.  I think I use to drink with Brock at a small Irish pub after work.
Not certain what clues Brock left  for Joyce regarding his similar secret, holiday, adulterous  relationship with the Easter Bunny.  I interpreted deadly consequences as physically dead so I thought you missed it.  
Very funny!  Good stuff.

Writer,

Nice little story here. The clues that something was amiss were all there, though none of them seem to be intentionally planted. More like circumstance. Anyway, they all led to the reveal. And what a reveal! And then a twist. Clean writing, minimal amount of pages leads to a pretty solid entry. Good work.

Steve

You went with whatever visuals came to your mind and that’s really cool.
For me - there’s no discernible story here, but I still was following it and it was sort of fun in a weird fun stream of visuals/events way
Random - yes
Funny - them liking Santa and Easter Bunny - yes.
Did I laugh - no
Did I enjoy it - yes. And I must admit I can’t understand the reason why but I totally did

It seems Joyce was the Ho-Ho-Ho! OMG, I loved this. The fatality was Brock dying inside (check!). Great writing on display here and everything (for me) was just right. Sooo many great visuals too.

I do have issues, though. Clues. Were there meant to be any prior to the reveal? Or was Kris driving Joyce home the silent clue of her infidelity? Hmmm....

Thanks for entering!

Really? A queef? That's a pretty low bar.  :-/

The writing is good here. Very clean and easy to visualize. The dialog is good, but I didn't find it all that funny. Though, I did chuckle at the homeless man bit. :)

Fits the challenge well. Good effort here. The comedy itself just isn't for me. :(

Hi writers,

As a comedy, it works to some extend. However, there is nothing that ties it up and leaves something satisfactory. Satisfactory not in the sense of a happy or feel-good ending rather, feeling as if there was something in here to work with. It leaves no impression.

The clue part did not suffice me. And the consequences were... well, I felt there were none. They just moved on. I don't count really count it as a consequence.  

Good effort for a tough challenge, though.

Good luck.

Thanks, all, for reading and commenting. Happy that most of you seemed to enjoy it. And thank you, Steven, for letting me help you out with this one. Had a lot of fun. :)

Quoted from Yuvraj Hi writers, As a comedy, it works to some extend. However, there is nothing that ties it up and leaves something satisfactory. Satisfactory not in the sense of a happy or feel-good ending rather, feeling as if there was something in here to work with. It leaves no impression. The clue part did not suffice me. And the consequences were... well, I felt there were none. They just moved on. I don't count really count it as a consequence.   Good effort for a tough challenge, though. Good luck.

Your review is about as confusing as this challenge's parameters. lol