Note Worthy by Jayne Air - A country road, a snowy night and a grand performance of road rage does not bode well for an angry driver.  Short, Thriller

Ok, this took a few reads to figure it out, I think.

A ‘Man’ is either contemplating suicide, or is just heading out to the cabin in the woods, maybe to commit suicide? Anyway, he’s traveling on a snowy back road, or highway and another approaching car has a woman driver who is busy texting, hence the green glow on her face (that’s the last thing he sees, her illuminated by the screen light before the collision).

He comes to, seemingly, and is pissed and wants to confront this woman for causing an accident, he follows her to confront her, but she’s just an ethereal… an angel perhaps, because she changes the final message on the note, stating that she’s actually there for him and this is no accident.

The police, in the final scene state he’s gone, assuming he is dead, but he (the Man) just doesn’t know it yet. The clues I guess is the green screen light that is and was always emanating from the angelic transporter.

Well thought out but somewhat difficult to follow the first time around, unless it’s a me thing. Anyway, this was quite the puzzle to be reconstructed, but it was amongst a serene atmosphere with minimal players, so the overall story felt like we were in the void to begin with, like some other worldly dimension between the veil where we sit idle after death, waiting for our final ride to... somewhere. Best of luck!

Well, this is definitely noteworthy. The atmosphere, imagery, is evoked beautifully, but for me, disappointingly the clarity is not.

INSERT: Note
Hate being alone. Can’t take anymore... You can have the
truck.

INSERT: New Note
... didn’t miss. I came for you.

I still don't get it...

By the way:
The other headlight, front bumper and hood are victims of the
large tree trunk lying over the roof.

That should be a large tree trunk given it's a first mention of the actual tree.

He has a secret in that he's planning to do himself in I suppose, but was that communicated directly? I dunno... I suppose it just had to be conveyed non-verbally which it is.

I'm in the dark.
A certain irony in him driving drunk but blaming her for texting and driving?

The dialogue needs more nuance, light and shade, otherwise your Protag comes across as one-note and somewhat deserving of his fate.

A Twilight Zone vibe, some beautifully evoked images but the narrative needs to be clear for me to be really satisfied.

This has a lovely prose feel to it, which isn't a bad thing in screenplays if handled well like this. It gives the whole script a cinematic quality.

I think I get this, kind of. He intends to top himself and does so, the woman with the green glow is Death? I wasn't sure as I think the green glow is a key identifier and yet I don't recall this being a signifier of Death in any of the materials I've come across, so maybe it is another higher power?

I think a bit more clarity wouldn't go amiss but apart from that, this is a great piece that meets the parameters.

Great description of the accident on the first page. That definitely needs to stay in any future drafts.

I also like the idea that traffic accidents might not truly be accidents. They might be a way for the angel of death to deliver a reckoning.

The guy's dialogue didn't always work for me. The "flashing green" and "thing-a-ma jig" references were not quite clear.

Is the angel of death woman the same person who wrote the "take the truck" letter on page one, or is she independent of that?

I like it and plan on giving this a good score. Forgive me if I didn't interpret everything correctly.

Huh. I feel dumb. Read this twice and I still have no clue what happened. A ghost lady caused a drunk guy to go off the road and crash? What's with the note and pencil?

Writing is decent. Some odd descriptions that disrupted the flow. Dialog is a bit rough, sorry to say.

Still, a creative effort. Looking forward to an explanation for the story. :)

Ahoy writer,

One word comes to mind.

Clarity.

And you don’t have it here.

Not gonna regurgitate what other’s have said, but I too liked it, but clarity is warranted. All the pieces of the puzzle are there, it's just getting them to fit.  Tough challenge. Good Job. :)

Writer,

Appreciate that you only went 5 pages. Sometimes the best stories can be told in the least amount of pages so good start there. Pretty good script. Atmospheric and visual. Not too sure the clues led to the final reveal, but the woman’s letter was the real clue, I guess. Only thing for me is that this premise has been done many times before, and in order to pull it off you need to give us something spectacular. Something we haven’t seen yet. I don’t think you did that here, but a decent effort nonetheless. Good work.

Steve

Sorry, I'm lost. I don't mind a little mystery but I don't even know where to begin solving this one. I read it twice and I still can't link clue for clue. Top it off with: A passenger in a ball cap; He drops the pencil and picks it up; The note contents; The green hue from an unseen phone (I'm guessing); and a shack in the woods. It seems a bunch of stuff thrown on a wall to see what sticks. Hmmmm....and call for a bus? Must be a term for an ambulance or coroner in your neck of the woods?

You did better than I did, though. You got something on paper and submitted. I praise you for that!

Hi writer,

The writing is nice with good descriptions. This meets the parameters but in a convoluted way.

I think the man did something horrible to the young woman and she died, so she took revenge. The man was dead because of the accident and it was his spirit all along. In the end, the woman took his spirit with her. Although, I don't understand the note part here. It was meant to serve as a clue but I couldn't figure out how.

Kudos for accepting the challenge.

Good luck.  

I thought that was really good.

I did not understand the last "bus" line. Why call for a bus?

Other than that - his conscious killed him - good work. Believable, nice build up.

Don't see how it follows the parameters though. Maybe just me and the parameters are all wrong in my head.

Bus is used as a term for Ambulance when a cop wants an ambulance to respond quickly. so definitely a New Yorker here.  ;)

Which means my current guesses may be completely out of whack.