Hey all!

Just rewrote a feature. Any thoughts on how to give this logline a bit more punch? Or whatever. Thanks!!

Amanda, a savvy real estate attorney, travels to small town Cedar Ridge to broker the sale of a Christmas tree farm, where she falls for Jake, the owners son. But she’ll have to muster up all her courage to save the town and her burgeoning romance once she realizes there’s more to her client than meets the eye.

Interesting that most loglines for Hallmark type movies have the titular character's name in the story's teaser (a no-no in conventional spec screenplays. Conclusions are often given re love matches too.

https://985thesportshub.com/2021/11/19/the-complete-list-of-new-hallmark-holiday-movies-for-2021/

Steve, I think you could pack more punch with the second line just by rearranging it.

Amanda, a savvy real estate attorney, travels to small town Cedar Ridge to broker the sale of a Christmas tree farm, where she falls head over heels for Jake, the owners son. But she’ll have to muster up all her courage to save the town and her burgeoning romance once she realizes there’s more to her client than meets the eye.


When Amanda, a savvy young attorney is tasked with brokering the sale of a (Mom & Pop? or family-run?) Christmas tree farm in small-town Cedar Ridge she falls head over heels in love with the owner's son. However when she discovers the client has ulterior motives ... she must summon the courage to not only fight for the town itself but also risk losing her new love.

I think I read this but can't recall all the intricate details.
Anyway, just getting the ball rolling here...

Yeah, I think you did read this. I revised it, changed the title and will be querying on it shortly. Thanks for checking it out. Good stuff you came up with here! Thanks. And I’m not too sure about name dropping, either. Sometimes it feels right, other times wrong. Anyway, off we go!

Quoted from SAC Amanda, a savvy real estate attorney, travels to small town Cedar Ridge to broker the sale of a Christmas tree farm, where she falls for Jake, the owners son. But she’ll have to muster up all her courage to save the town and her burgeoning romance once she realizes there’s more to her client than meets the eye.

I don't know who started this modern trend of loglines that contain multiple sentences with superfluous information, but it entirely defeats the purpose of what a logline is supposed to be. A logline is one sentence, 25-30 words(-ish), that establishes protagonist, goal, conflict, stakes.

As such, your first sentence is pure exposition and doesn't belong. Your second sentence is actually a logline. You just need to tighten it up a bit.

Protag: real estate agent
Goal: save town, win love
Conflict: duplicitous client
Stakes: town suffers, protag loses lover

Take it from there. :)

Quoted from Lon I don't know who started this modern trend of loglines that contain multiple sentences with superfluous information, but it entirely defeats the purpose of what a logline is supposed to be. A logline is one sentence, 25-30 words(-ish), that establishes protagonist, goal, conflict, stakes. As such, your first sentence is pure exposition and doesn't belong. Your second sentence is actually a logline. You just need to tighten it up a bit. Protag: real estate agent Goal: save town, win love Conflict: duplicitous client Stakes: town suffers, protag loses lover Take it from there. :)

I pretty much wrote this as not just a logline, but more to give others a bit more info to see what they can make of it. Sometimes they just come to me, but I always like to get some feedback. Usually others’ input winds up showing me something I didn’t think of. It helps a lot!

That said, in a perfect word a logline would be one sentence, 25 -30 words like you said. Still, I think that’s a rule that can be played with a little bit. I surely don’t want to write a whole paragraph and want nothing more than to keep it short and sweet.

Just tweaked it…

A successful real estate attorney travels to a quaint small town to broker the sale of a Christmas tree farm, but her life is upended when she develops feelings for the owner’s son and discovers a secret agenda that could change the town forever.

That's pretty darned good, Steve... And all in one sentence so Lon will be pleased.

My only critique would be that change the town forever is a bit on the vague side - not as compelling as it could be perhaps? Plus, develops feelings - bit mild too isn't it? Falls head over heels, falls in love - both more powerful and exciting for Hallmark fans, surely?

Hey, everyone's a critic.  ;D
It's still shorter & sweeter, definitely.

The lastest one is not bad - I would probably change -

A successful real estate attorney

to

A big-city real estate attorney (and not sure you need real estate).

To highlight the contrast between quaint small town.

Like, Libby - you need more specifics on -  change the town forever. Let's say the town is going to go bankrupt (that is the change) - it might read like -

A big-city attorney travels to a quaint small town to broker the sale of a Christmas tree farm, but her life is upended when she develops feelings for the owner’s son and discovers a secret agenda that could bankrupt the town.

Quoted from SAC A successful hotshot real estate attorney travels to a quaint small town to broker the sale of a Christmas tree farm, but her life is upended when she develops feelings falls for the owner’s son and discovers a secret agenda dark plan that could change the town forever.

I'd go with something like this.

A spirited attorney travels to picturesque Cedar Ridge to broker the sale of a celebrated Christmas tree farm. Once there, she falls for the owner's handsome son but will have to pull out all the stops when she discovers her deal includes a secret agenda that could spell big trouble for the town he loves.

The above is what I have now, though one producer told me the Christmas tree farm thing is kinda burned out, so I may be thinking of another way of putting it.

Anyway…

A hotshot real attorney travels to a small town to broker the sale of a Christmas tree farm, but her life is upended when she falls for the owner’s son and discovers a dark plan that could change the town forever.

I really like your take, but this is aimed at Hallmark audiences, so I kinda have to keep it light and breezy.

A hotshot attorney reads better for me.

I'd also agree with Libby and David - the more concrete you are re her fight the better.

I also don't see the connection between her falling in love and her plight

Quoted from SAC A spirited attorney travels to picturesque scenic Cedar Ridge to broker the sale of a celebrated cherished Christmas tree farm. Once there, she falls for the owner's handsome son but will have to pull out all the stops when she discovers her deal the sale includes a secret agenda that could spell big trouble for the town he loves.

Quoted from SAC ...this is aimed at Hallmark audiences, so I kinda have to keep it light and breezy.

Take 2.

So I shouldn't use the words sinister, evil, or laser beams... got it.

Instead of a Christmas tree farm, could you make it a historic family owned sawmill? It's been in Paul's family for generations since the town was founded, but due to his dad's illness they have to sell it.

Picture a large water wheel, the sounds of a river outside, the warm tones of the wooden walls that Paul's great-great-grandfather built with his own hands. I can smell the sawdust now.

I don't know why his name is Paul, but the flannel shirt and scuffed work boots he's wearing make him look like a Paul. He's clean shaven though. He's not too rugged.

Edit:  It wouldn't happen to be the McBurney family farm, would it? http://www.mcburneytreefarm.com/

Quoted from Nomad Take 2. So I shouldn't use the words sinister, evil, or laser beams... got it. Instead of a Christmas tree farm, could you make it a historic family owned sawmill? It's been in Paul's family for generations since the town was founded, but due to his dad's illness they have to sell it. Picture a large water wheel, the sounds of a river outside, the warm tones of the wooden walls that Paul's great-great-grandfather built with his own hands. I can smell the sawdust now. I don't know why his name is Paul, but the flannel shirt and scuffed work boots he's wearing make him look like a Paul. He's clean shaven though. He's not too rugged. Edit:  It wouldn't happen to be the McBurney family farm, would it? http://www.mcburneytreefarm.com/

Holy Shit! That’s crazy. A coincidence, but still crazy. I like your updated logline. May go with that. Couple words can make a difference. IMO anyhow.

Quoted from khamanna A hotshot attorney reads better for me. I'd also agree with Libby and David - the more concrete you are re her fight the better. I also don't see the connection between her falling in love and her plight

“… could spell big trouble for the town he loves.”

I think problems with the romance are implied here. No use adding more words to it.

Received this early today, per a producer with several Hallmark type movies to her credit —

We have seen this movie and heard this pitch many times so if this secret agenda elevates it behind all others, then you should say what it is in your logline.

That in mind, here’s my response —

Where Christmas Never Ends

A spirited attorney travels to scenic Cedar Ridge to broker the sale of a cherished Christmas tree farm. While there she falls for the owner's handsome son but must pull out all the stops when she discovers her boss has secret plans for a colossal strip mall that would be disastrous for the beloved town’s local businesses.

Oh, and so far I’ve had three full script requests and one synopsis. Not that that’s anything to jump up and down about, but I’m keeping score.

Quoted from SAC We have seen this movie and heard this pitch many times so if this secret agenda elevates it behind all others, then you should say what it is in your logline.

Quoted from SAC A spirited attorney travels to scenic Cedar Ridge to broker the sale of a cherished Christmas tree farm. While there she falls for the owner's handsome son but must pull out all the stops when she discovers her boss has secret plans for a colossal strip mall that would be disastrous for the beloved town’s local businesses.

The secret agenda that elevates it should be more than just standard financial gain. It should be grossly excessive greed. The boss has already destroyed several communities with these strip malls. He's already worth millions of dollars but this strip mall will make him a billionaire and that's his goal. To join the billionaire club no matter the cost.

I do have an issue with it being a strip mall though. Malls around America are going under due to people shopping online now. If you need it to be a strip mall then populate it with the most corporate of stores you can find... Starbucks, McDonalds, Apple, Walmart, BestBuy, and a string of phone stores... AT&T, Verizon, T-Mobile with their God awful painfully bright signs in the most nauseating shades of greed.

Just my 2 cents. Take what you need. Leave what you don't.

Good luck!

Quoted from Nomad The secret agenda that elevates it should be more than just standard financial gain. It should be grossly excessive greed. The boss has already destroyed several communities with these strip malls. He's already worth millions of dollars but this strip mall will make him a billionaire and that's his goal. To join the billionaire club no matter the cost. I do have an issue with it being a strip mall though. Malls around America are going under due to people shopping online now. If you need it to be a strip mall then populate it with the most corporate of stores you can find... Starbucks, McDonalds, Apple, Walmart, BestBuy, and a string of phone stores... AT&T, Verizon, T-Mobile with their God awful painfully bright signs in the most nauseating shades of greed. Just my 2 cents. Take what you need. Leave what you don't. Good luck!

Much appreciated. You’ve all helped me whittle it down.