Bad Dreams by Sean Elwood - Short, Horror - A girl home alone receives a phone call from a friend who recounts a nightmare. 4 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Brilliant Premise!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This:

Quoted Text HALEY So you called me instead of Craig? WHITNEY (V.O.) I did. Five times. Dude sleeps like a rock

Confused me.  Not quite right - I thnk if you changed Haley to -

HALEY
Did you try to call Craig?

Whitney's response makes more sense.

Look for opportunities to pop your verbs -

examples -

Quoted Text HALEY (17) sits on the sofa as she watches Night of the

HALEY (17) nestled on the sofa as she watches Night of the

Quoted Text Haley looks out.

Haley peers out

Great work - this should get made

Top notch stuff here.

100% this will get made, just a matter of time.

You already know how I feel about this one, Dude. You knocked it out of the park. ;D

I really like this, Sean!

I'm going to admit however, to thinking it was going in another direction. Must just be me.  ::)
Not the prank way, but her pleading with her friend to tell her the next part of the nightmare - to save her from the bad guys.

Set it up, pay it off.  This is how it's done.  Very nice short, Sean.

Excellent work. This is the perfect script for the right filmmaker to find. Also the perfect script to shoot yourself, if you're so inclined.

It's pretty stripped down, but if I were producing this, I'd push to cut out even more of the dialogue, especially on Whitney's side. Give it that dreamy middle-of-the-night quality, along with "best friends so we don't have to say much" dynamic between the two of them. For example, no reason it couldn't open -- "What?!" "I just had the freakiest nightmare."

I'm squinting at the "11:28" beat. From Haley's point of view, surely Whitney would also notice and comment on the fact that while she's saying it was 11:28 in her dream, it's actually 11:28 in real life. The whole thing relies on Haley thinking that Whitney doesn't know that her dream is describing Haley's reality.

Could probably cut down Whitney's lines in the end -- we get what happened pretty fast.

Anyway, nicely done. This should definitely be made.

Tight and engaging story. Took me a couple of reads to realise Whitney was one of the figures outside the house.
Well done.

Hey all!

First and foremost, as always, thank you Don for getting this up as quickly as you could!

Secondly, this was an idea that Zack had helped me come up with. We were both going to take the same premise but have different outcomes, his more supernatural while mine goes the "It's a prank, bro!" route. We wanted to come up with an idea that was short, sweet, and to the point, and easy to film. I have been toying with the idea of filming this myself (the house is even based off of the home I live in), but if someone else decides to snag this up before I can do anything with it, I'd love to see the final result.

Quoted from eldave1 Brilliant Premise!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This: ... Confused me.  Not quite right - I thnk if you changed Haley to - HALEY Did you try to call Craig? Whitney's response makes more sense. Look for opportunities to pop your verbs - examples - HALEY (17) nestled on the sofa as she watches Night of the Haley peers out Great work - this should get made

Thanks for reading and the critique, Dave. I'm glad you liked it. I agree, Whitney's line after Haley's "So you called me instead of Craig?" is a little confusing so I'll correct that and make it make more sense. I'll also make some of my verbs POP too.

Quoted from Warren Top notch stuff here. 100% this will get made, just a matter of time.

Thanks, Warren. Glad you liked it as well. Fingers crossed someone notices this and decides to try and do something with it!

Quoted from Zack You already know how I feel about this one, Dude. You knocked it out of the park. ;D

Thanks! I'd still love to see how you'd handle this idea, dude. Thanks for bouncing ideas off me with this one. I'm happy with how it turned out.

Quoted from LC I really like this, Sean! I'm going to admit however, to thinking it was going in another direction. Must just be me.  ::) Not the prank way, but her pleading with her friend to tell her the next part of the nightmare - to save her from the bad guys.

Thank you! So happy you liked this too. I do enjoy the idea that you had for the ending. Kind of like her begging her friend to finish the dream to make it stop. Or maybe, to keep going and try and manifest a way to save herself. Hmm...feature idea, maybe? Haha.

Quoted from bert Set it up, pay it off.  This is how it's done.  Very nice short, Sean.

Thanks, Bert. Happy to hear that, coming from you!

Quoted from Heretic Excellent work. This is the perfect script for the right filmmaker to find. Also the perfect script to shoot yourself, if you're so inclined. It's pretty stripped down, but if I were producing this, I'd push to cut out even more of the dialogue, especially on Whitney's side. Give it that dreamy middle-of-the-night quality, along with "best friends so we don't have to say much" dynamic between the two of them. For example, no reason it couldn't open -- "What?!" "I just had the freakiest nightmare." I'm squinting at the "11:28" beat. From Haley's point of view, surely Whitney would also notice and comment on the fact that while she's saying it was 11:28 in her dream, it's actually 11:28 in real life. The whole thing relies on Haley thinking that Whitney doesn't know that her dream is describing Haley's reality. Could probably cut down Whitney's lines in the end -- we get what happened pretty fast. Anyway, nicely done. This should definitely be made.

Thank you!! I would absolutely love to get this made, and may even try myself, but as mentioned above, if someone else tries before I do, then by all means! I like the idea of cutting the dialogue and make it more like "I Just woke up from the worst nightmare" sleepiness/dream-like effect it could have. Maybe the way the actress who plays Whitney portrays her can deliver the lines a little more dreamy-/sleepy-like. I also get ya with the 11:28 PM line, and how Whitney should mention something about how it's weird that it was the same time in her dream as it is in reality. And how much do you think I should cut down at the end with Whitney's lines? I wanted a semi-slow build up of realization from Whitney that something is wrong with Haley, but I agree it does go on a bit. I tried keeping it at exactly 3 pages, and even succeeded at one point, but tacked on some extra dialogue with the final line and that broke it to 4 pages. But otherwise, thanks for reading! Really glad you had a great time with this :)

Thanks everybody!

Sean

Quoted from Geezis Tight and engaging story. Took me a couple of reads to realise Whitney was one of the figures outside the house. Well done.

Thanks, Owen! Yeah, I struggled a little bit with revealing that Whitney was one of the figures (and we don't know which one she is—if it even matters), and the ending dialogue was, like, the best I could do for now haha. Thanks for reading!

Sean

I didn't like it...

Just kidding.

It was really good.

I wanted it to go the supernatural route at the end though:

Whitney says that she went to the basement which sends Haley down there, but then Whitney says that was a mistake because that's just what the shadows wanted... Dun dun DUNNNN!!!!

Some notes as I go...

Quoted Text WHITNEY (V.O.) I did tried. Five times. Dude sleeps like a rock.

Quoted Text HALEY Okay then. So what was it?

Instead of the dream being exactly the same time as the current time, the dream should be a few minutes in the future, like the doom is on its way and Haley has to act now to avoid her demise. It would help build tension.

"There is no terror in the bang, only in the anticipation of it." - Alfred Hitchcock

Quoted Text Her phone goes tumbling. Her body goes CRASHING CRASHES to the ground.

Quoted Text All becomes still as her body twists into a crumbled heap at the bottom of the stairs. Her eyes remain wide open in fear, her neck bent at a grossly odd angle.

I feel like there should be a gurgling noise here as her last breath leaves her body.

Quoted Text WHITNEY (V.O.) Haley? Hello? Are you okay? (beat) Shit...Craig! Something happened! (beat) I don’t know! I saw her run to the basement and then heard a crashing sound on the phone. (to the phone) (beat) Haley? Haley! Haley! Are you okay!? (beat) Shit...Craig, she’s not responding. Shit. This wasn’t supposed to happen this way like this. (beat) Shut up, Craig! This joke was your idea! I don’t know what we should do?! Should we call an ambulance? Fuck! Haley? Haley!? Haley, fucking say something! We were just having fun, alright? It was just a prank! Just a goddamn prank.

I feel like Whitney should sound defeated at the end. Instead of shouting she should drone off in disbelief.

As always, this is just my 2 cents. Thanks for a good read.

-Jordan

Hey everybody,

A new draft has been uploaded with changes from pretty much everyone. Thanks for all the help! Definitely reads cleaner this time (and I was able to remove the hanging dialogue on page 4 and turn it into 3 full pages).

Quoted from Nomad I didn't like it... Just kidding. It was really good. I wanted it to go the supernatural route at the end though: Whitney says that she went to the basement which sends Haley down there, but then Whitney says that was a mistake because that's just what the shadows wanted... Dun dun DUNNNN!!!! Some notes as I go... Instead of the dream being exactly the same time as the current time, the dream should be a few minutes in the future, like the doom is on its way and Haley has to act now to avoid her demise. It would help build tension. "There is no terror in the bang, only in the anticipation of it." - Alfred Hitchcock I feel like there should be a gurgling noise here as her last breath leaves her body. I feel like Whitney should sound defeated at the end. Instead of shouting she should drone off in disbelief. As always, this is just my 2 cents. Thanks for a good read. -Jordan

Hey Jordan,

Thanks for reading! Glad you didn't like it! ;)

That's a good alternative ending for a supernatural route. I like that! I used some of your suggestions for a new edit because I thought they were good, so thanks for the help!

Sean

Hi There,

Great concept, nice tight little script too. But everybody's all ready covered that - What I'm really impressed with is your poster. That's a quality poster!

Might just lure some potential buyers in with that!

Quoted from ColinS Hi There, Great concept, nice tight little script too. But everybody's all ready covered that - What I'm really impressed with is your poster. That's a quality poster! Might just lure some potential buyers in with that!

Hey Colin,

Thank you for the kind words! I'm happy you like the poster. I made it myself (as I like to do with all my scripts) and always hope it's a good extra selling point for the script. Thanks for reading! Glad you liked the script.

Sean

Hey Sean, that was awesome! Great premise...very clever...

Quoted from Kirsten Hey Sean, that was awesome! Great premise...very clever...

Thank you, Kirsten! I'm glad you liked it! :)