From What We Were by Unknown - Short, Drama - A woman, the Golden Gate Bridge and a story of fate that will leave you scarred. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

There's a love story here and the theme is pride. Made me think of Se7en with the woman who'd rather die than look ugly. The story is good, but it was a bit of a slog to read, to be honest. I think you could probably trim two pages off of it by just being a little more economic in your writing. Other than that, great job!  :)

You are a great writer and it shows but it can be slightly overdone and make the story less enjoyable.

Did I miss a flashback somewhere? it seemed to run effortlessly into the car crash that disfigured the wife??

Maybe it was just me ;)

Good entry but could be toned down

Quoted Text An iconic structure, The Golden Gate Bridge, it’s massive expanse caught in the black current of the night.

You don’t need to tell us it’s an iconic structure.  Also – could not quite visualize what the black current of the night is supposed to look like.

For me, passages like this –

Quoted Text A few vehicles lazily traverse it’s length as the stale hours of the night try and engulf the lights that dot the structure.

Is trying to hard – how do stale hours of the night engulf anything?? Fog perhaps?

Okay – I really dug the story – but IMO – it is overwritten throughout – almost like a novel. This may be just a taste/style thing – but for me it needed to be pared back.

I did get lost where I was in time a few times – I think a few SUPERs would have helped.

A little streamlining – some SUPERS to help us get our bearings time-wise and this would be excellent.

Nice little story here.Two not picks: You didn't CAP when introducing the main character and there was a too that should have been to.
Otherwise, I enjoyed it and feel you met the challenge. Congrats
Cindy

Brilliant opening.  Really grabs the reader and makes you want to read on.  Great work on this one.

Not sure if this is an other newer writer, if so well done for entering, but this is a little over written and some of the norms for screenplays are missing e.g. Lizzy is introduced without CAPPING her name.

The first scene reads more like straight prose, and could be effectively condensed.

And I applaud the attempt with some of the imagery but some doesn't really work, e,g, a ring flicked through the air doesn't ring like a coin, pretty much makes no noise.

But, and maybe I just got into the read, the pace did seem to pick up and the backwards reveal was effective.

The love story seemed secondary to the sin here, but worked within what you told.

Decent effort

You nailed the backward story-line technique. I had to scratch my head to offer you any insight that could help you with the next rewrite. Which is a great sign. But I managed to point my fingers on couple of things.

Right after the scene with Hunter in the bathroom slashing at his face, the rest didn't hold much surprise for me. I didn't know exactly what disfigured her but I knew where the story was going. Which killed the momentum of your script. However, one way of fixing that, could be offering some sort of a cliffhanger in the opening scene. Beside her suicide attempt. Something we would look forward to come back to. Someone would spot her and try to save her but we cut to the previous event before we see how his rescue mission goes. Or anything else to protect your story from dying mid-way through.

Also, I didn't know why the dialogue between Hunter and Lizzy in her bedroom felt like a play. Like didn't sound natural to me. I won't say pretentious but more like theatrical. Did you want it to be that way? Can you make the exchange sounds more natural?

Is the sin here Pride? Envy made an appearance but it wasn't dominant. So if it was pride, please highlight Lizzy pride more. Rewrite this in a way where we would feel her regrets after losing the love of her life because of her uncontrollable pride. It will make the ending more powerful.

Best of luck.

Hi Writer

Nice tragedy story. Was a bit of a slog to read through, to overwritten for my liking.

Not too much to add to be honest

Good job

Although the descriptions you put in this story were great they were, however, a bit over-done.  You can trim this down a bit with just taking out the extras.

I liked the whole backward ending to this and the final image of their wedding rings being there and Lizzy gone.

Good work.

This script has kind of an old-school feel to it. It is set in modern times, but I imagined it as an old black and white film. Perhaps this is so because the dialogue has kind of a classic feel. It's not entirely natural, but it would fit in with some of the older films. The scene where Hunter cuts his face is appropriately gruesome. I like the image of Lizzy hiding in the shadows.

The wording of the last page regarding the rings seems a little off to me. Having Lizzie "replaced" by a pair of rings seems like a strange way to phrase it.

A bit melodramatic for my taste but with an old Hollywood vibe to it that I enjoyed.

You're fond of a similie or two - some which I think veered into novelistic prose territory. Perhaps edit a bit?
I was thrown with your timeline and the ending was a little underwhelming, but at the same time the narrative held my attention.

So, Hunter & Lizxy are like Barbie & Ken looks-wise I gather? And Hunter makes the ultimate sacrifice so that Lizxy is not alone with her disfigurement? But that just makes her all the more desperate and turns her away from him. She's not a very likeable character and very one-note in that she only cares about herself and her appearance. That was the whole point I suppose - vanity/pride trumps all. It's her only validation in life. At the same time she never changes through the course of the story.

I wanted a bit more of a twist or shock or revelation.
Hunter doing what he did to put them on an equal footing was a shock, but I think from there something else was needed.

The first script I've read that mentions NFTs.  :D
The mask was very Vanilla Sky-esque for me, & as Pia said a nice nod to Se7en.

A very inventive and outside the box entry.

Hi, Writer.

Really long read, here. Lots of overwriting. Shame, because the story here is actually pretty good.

Nailed the love story and the theme.

Wouldn't be surprised if this one finishes near the top. Good work. :)

Bold choice to use a reverse chronological structure, and it pays off. While the story would have worked almost as well with a traditional linear structure, the reverse order does add to the experience. My only gripe is it climaxes too soon, at the car accident. After that it's just a matter of filling in the blanks rather than delivering another payoff, so maybe a little too ambitious for this or maybe with some more time you can come up with another payoff. Something that plays to their vanity, and maybe the lengths they'll go to for beauty's sake.

Aside from that, while the writing is good it is a bit cumbersome. It doesn't quite flow, it stumbles over itself in places. It's wordy rather than immersive. The dialogue is a bit rough too, but it does the job. The title is lacking, it needs something better.

It's memorable, with a solid rewrite and a better title it could be something.