Chewing the Bowstrings by Little Indian - Short, Crime, Thriller - Starting a new life, a couple stumble upon a double edged opportunity: an unattended heist score. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Ok first one

I was trying to keep up with the story.
The biker gang had the money stolen from the couple and Sheriff was in on it??
The sheriff wound up dead by the biker gang?

The little Indian told the sheriff who took the money.

It was entertaining I just struggled to follow. There was a lot of back and forth.
Maybe it's just me :D


Obviously greed was the major factor and a hint of a love story.

Had a few typos  

SHERIFF ISAAC
Sorry to bother you that light at night        THIS  LATE

The WAITRESS (mid 40s) holds up a try       TRAY

Ed sands in the center            STANDS

Everyone must
have walked to the dinner.      Im guessing Diner

The dinners LAUGH (V.O)        ???

Loved the writing here! Some people here might say you can trim some of the descriptions, but IMO, it adds to the read in a good way, not bad.

Story was fine, but as we pass the halfway mark, there are numerous typos and the story gets a little less clear. Rushed perhaps? Diner, not dinner. :)

I liked it and I think with a rewrite to make things more clear and catch some of the typos, this one is great.  8)

Liked it!

Love the opening with the kid.

Writing is nice -

Got a little confusing near the mid point - took a couple of read thrus - see if you can do a better job on clarity in that section.

Dialogue - solid

Good stuff

the opening scene accident?
You can do better than that. Write 'same stretch of road' or equivalent.

Cherry eyes?

Fear stood no chance inside.
What's that mean?

The money lay naked at the floor of the backseat.
Oh, dear. You're a really good writer. Please learn that this is past tense.

within two hundred miles radius
within a two-hundred mile radius.

He rides his bike.  Huh?

The couple, Cherry and Steven, occupy two separate beds.
One or the other, imho.

I forgot how good you're at this.
I forgot how good you are.

I forgot how good you're at making me
I forgot how good you are...

But she swallows her, gets off her bed, invades his...
Her what...? Pride?

This late at night, not that.

Whew! Heaps of mistakes. Rush job for sure.

STEVEN ( offended ) Sorry you mistook us for fools. Try the next room.
Great rebuttal!

Life dries
Life drains (right?)

Try
Tray

It's the sticks we thought were swords on the Bikers' backs.
We? You told me they were swords.

A patrol car rests on the road side.
Bugbear of mine.
Can't it just be parked?

Count me in as loving the kid in the opening, and you returning to him at the end. Lovely top n tail!

This was really bloody good! (despite some of your style choices) which I didn't fancy.

Riveting stuff, couldn't wait to get to the end and see what happened..Colourful, visual, a great moral in the middle of the story, courtesy of the cautionary fable the sheriff relays, and a tragic ending.

Great storytelling!
Great story!

P.S.  I pictured Alabama (for Cherry) out of True Romance the whole way.
Well, she was my avatar for so long until Birdie supplanted her.  :D

Deadline panic draft is right. Lovely writing at breakneck speed. Lots of typos, the pace is all over the place, and I struggled to follow the story but I think I got it.

She fled from a billion dollar heritage but gets tempted over a bag of money? Did I miss something there? Or was the point that she couldn't stand the life but really liked the lifestyle?

The treasure hunters are a nice red herring. I assume they're actually what they say they are, but that last line of "attending to Cherry" could have a darker meaning.

The visuals are wonderful, the characters are interesting. It needs some clarification and room to breathe and it could be quite good, in the vein of No Country For Old Men.

Good stuff, especially considering it's a deadline panic draft.  I could still see the story unfold in my minds eye.  I echo others comments on the typos and grammatical errors.

Hi Writer

Some great visuals and the bookend of Little Indian. Other than typos, the style of writing was nice.

I couldn't follow the story though, so after the challenge, I would love for someone to spell it out for me lol

Not sure if you met the challenge. Where is the love story?
I don't think a 6 year old could blow out a tire with a toy bow and arrow, unless I missed something.
Cindy

My other hobby is metal detecting, this one wins ;-)

I'm a big fan of this script. My favorite line is "A bullet hole decorates his forehead. His brain adorns the backset." Beautiful.

A couple of small quibbles. A six-year-old seems too young to make a perfect shot with a bow and arrow. Not sure what's going on with the tires and the photos. It would probably help to see who is behind all of this.

Hello writer, really liked the way you write, you got a way of setting up the visuals. Definitely needs a few more edits, it was hard to follow what happened at points and I really don't see a love story, I see the greed, but that's it. I see that they care for each other, but that's as far as a love story this goes.

I can appreciate the writing and although it was riddled with typos, it was a cool story, reminded me of the Coen bros. Although I don't think this met the challenge, it was a good entry none the less.

-cheers

Sorry about the typos. I did send the script to be proofread by a friend. He caught a lot of them and missed a couple. I shouldn't have missed them myself. They were quite obvious. "That light at night" Gee, that was embarrassing.

Also, the tire was already damaged in the crossfire. Little Indian was innocent. It's was just a coincidence it blew up right when he shot the arrow. I alluded to that with the first line in the next scene "It wasn't you, you know." But that's a reoccurring sin in my writing. I leave gaps to be filled by the readers but I make them too big they end up confusing them instead of entertaining them.

The third robber managed to to track them down by comparing tire marks in the motel parking lot with the one he found near his associates' Cadillac. He found a match. But that scene was too confusing when he flipped through the photos.

I keep writing concepts that are larger than the allowed space for the contest. I'm a serial story-crammer. Guilty as charged.

In any case, I enjoyed the company of those characters. RIP Steven and Sheriff Isaac. Don't know if Cherry will be able to get over her guilt in the future. Just glad she made it and Steven's sacrifice wasn't in vein.

And, God, no. The bikers attending to Cherry wasn't meant to be dark in anyway. They were good guys. They saved her. For now.  ;)