Unwanted Temptation by Fabio Lanzoni - Short, Comedy - A factory worker in a sexless marriage has a voluptuous horny boss... What could go wrong? - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Ahh the temptation of a hot boss playing on her Employee's obvious weakness ;D

It was funny at times and had a bittersweet ending.

Creative use of Newton's ball none the less ;D ;D

Good job on entering

Obviously written for guys. As a story, it didn't do much for me, but it was written well enough and it was a breeze to read. Typo though with GREG...

Some suggestions.

Don't introduce three characters first off the bat. It's almost impossible to remember who was who. I had to go back numerous times in the beginning just to refresh my memory on who "that guy" was. Also, they were all pretty similar in age and other than Ed being a little chunky, there wasn't really a whole lot to tell them a part. Try to add some character in their introductions and some action. Easier to tell them apart if we can visualize them doing something.

I would also suggest making this a little more cinematic. Right now it's pretty much a talking head piece. You can do a lot with developing characters by showing us what they are doing. Even if just tiny things.

Dialogue was great and there were funny moments. I just think males would prefer this one over us females.  :)

There are several typos and grammatical errors – run this through Grammarly or something akin to that.

There are a few places where the dialogue is just like one line too long – here is an example:

JOEY
Not the actual positions dimwit, how do you have so much sex after being married for so long? It usually declines the longer the marriage, or at least mine does. We went from a bullet train to Thomas the fucking tank engine.

It’s nice – other than that unneeded line in the middle – the factoid we already know.  Crisper as:

JOEY
Not the actual positions dimwit, how do you have so much sex after being married for so long?  We went from a bullet train to Thomas the fucking tank engine.

By the way – several very clever bits of dialogue – just trim them a bit and this will read much snappier.

Joey starts to throw boxes at Ed, he ducks, as they hit the floor "fragile" is written all over them.
Lost the “starts” to throw. Just Joey hurls boxes…

This –

JOEY He's only sixty nine.

KAREN My favorite number.

To forced – doesn’t work – since must people retire way before 69, no one is going to say he’s only 69 – unless it is needed for a joke.

Okay - it does nail the parameters - several parts are clever - funny - filled with nice touches.

BUT --

Please take this with a grain of salt.....

The female characters come off one-dimensional - almost cartoonish - This screams written by a man for men. I think you have a chance to make this special by elevating the women - consider having them having a similar discussion as the boys in the warehouse - a juxtaposition - hope this make sense...

High marks for some of the funny parts for me - this has a lot of potential

Nice job keeping the action to one or two lines.  For me, the script reads much quicker that way.

Some good banter in this one. I chuckled at a few of the lines. I also thought the ending was satisfying--sweet and funny. My overall impression is positive.

It was a little confusing that Joey didn't seem to be familiar with his boss. Right before she walks into the room, he asks "Who?" as if he isn't sure of her or her reputation. What am I missing?

I think cutting a page or two would make this sharper.

I got a little confused remembering who was who, but it's early (3 A.M) so I went back and re-read it.
I laughed a few times. Nice dialogue.
You met the challenge. I think it was a cute love story.
Congrats,
Cindy

This had some funny lines and gags, some decent comedy on display.

But didn't get much of a love story from it really.

Hi Writer - I guess there's things I liked and things I struggled with a little when reading Unwanted Temptation.

Your writing is nice and clear-cut so was an easy read. I liked some of the comedy but it got bogged down, as I couldn't relate to the characters. Joey and Ed were both very crude and crass. Karen was a little too far fetched for their boss, and the comedy was mostly sexual innuendo - which never really appeals to me.

That said - There is funny in there, and you have funny bones.

Maybe I'll enjoy your next effort more so. Good luck.

Liked the co-workers bantering at the start.

Writing was good, breezed through this fairly easily.

The story itself was pretty good. Had a few comedic bits that worked well. If I have one nitpick it would be Ashley' all of a sudden ready to please him after Joey telling his co-workers about the dry spell he is having and Ashley herself saying she has no desire for sex. Perhaps when Karen and Ashley set this whole thing up they added some cameras so that Ashley could watch on a live feed? Watching what may have happened could cause Ashley's sex drive to spark up.


Good work.

Hi Writer

Guess I am going against the grain when I say I didn't like the dialogue, a lot seemed a bit wooden, although there was some nice line dotted about.

Not a lot going on visual wise, I would have made the encounter with Karen a bit more sexually aggressive, more chasing and pushing away, trying to tear his clothes off etc etc could have made for some comedy moments.

Odd that he got a free pass and both Karen and Ashley neglect to tell the guy? unless it was some kind of faithfulness test?

There wasn't much of a story here to grab me but nice effort all the same.

The entertainment jewel of your script, the seduction scene, was too dim. You haven't made the best out of that encounter comedy wise. Joey was too powerful resisting which made the conflict fizzle instead of sending sparks.

Also, didn't make sense that Karen who wants him so bad didn't tell him that Ashely greenlit that.

Hello, writer this was a really good entry, written well and gave me a few good laughs. Really reminded me of horrible bosses. I think you nailed the love story and theme.

a mistake i found "He takes the inventory" sounds weird, "He takes inventory" sounds more natural. that's really the only think that took me out of the read, so good job, I had a good time reading this one.

All the best and good luck in the challenge.

-Cheers

Hey, Fabio.

Dialog isn't clicking with me. Feels unnatural. Besides that, the writing is good. :)

Story doesn't make a lot of sense, at least not to me. Some odd character decisions that just don't add up. And, unfortunately, I didn't find it very funny. :(

Still, a good effort here that I could see others enjoying. :)

It's male fantasy and not much more. Not much story here, more about faithfulness than love but I suppose love had to be there to remain faithful?

I may never look at a Newton's cradle on a woman's desk the same way again. Thanks for that.