She by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) writing as Her - Short, Horror - An artist is haunted by a familiar face. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I like the setup of this, and I like the repetition you use to montage your way through her seeing the woman everywhere. Nice cinematic touch there. It's all very obvious, at least to me, and that created a sense of anticipation because I expected that outcome. When it comes, I like that she steps off the curb right in front of Ben (you monster!), but I felt a little let down by the simple reveal ending of her in the crowd. It makes the Death-like entity's purpose to cause her death and nothing more, no reaping or ferrying off to the afterlife, just off you pop and job done. There's no payoff in that.

Ben's reactions to her obsession didn't feel real. He said and did the obvious things but given how long this went on for it didn't feel genuine for how much he's supposed to care about her. You did touch on the fact that they had just started getting serious, I just would have liked to feel it a bit more because even though she killed herself right in front of him and that's traumatic, I feel like he'll be just fine, he wasn't super into her. So okay, it is a love story but they aren't really in love.

What I'm struggling with is which of the deadly sins this is supposed to be. Pride? Not really. It's not greed or lust or gluttony or sloth. Envy? No hint of that. Obsession isn't one of them.

The writing is good, the visuals are great, the pace is excellent. A little more oomph in that ending and more feeling from Ben would make this considerably better.

Well written but I didn't actually see a love story or the sense they were in love.

It was creepy and well executed that she was being stalked by technically herself.  

Was this a deadly sin though?  Was the boyfriend "lusting" after her?

Good job on entering

Quoted Text BEN (20s) walks up to Dana, who pulls out her phone and types something in.

A little clumsy – maybe – BEN (20s) nears as Dana pulls out her phone….

And here –

Quoted Text She’s quick to disappear behind the plants, and her facial features are nothing more than a blur, but this time a bit more noticeable

She darts behind the plants….

The bones of the story I enjoyed - the action lines could be popped a bit - look for more active verbs.

Nice job

You held my attention with the story, but it was a little obscure for my taste.

So, the self-portraits of the MAN in your opening are the key to what happens to Dana.
How the haunting transferred to her though, I'm not sure. Probably an artistic wave-length thing.  :D

She  continues  to  stare  at  the  portraits.  In  a  way,  they’re almost  haunting...
I think what you mean to write is that they are haunting.
I think sometimes writers have a habit of writing 'almost' or 'like', or 'in a way' when they mean exactly that definitively.

She continues to stare at the portraits, mesmerised by their haunting quality.
That line, like that, would make me feel it straight off without skirting the issue.

I like the concept here of death haunting her.
Some things remain unexplained, but the vibe was good.

I do think the love story needed amplifying.
  Ben attempts  to  console  her.
That's way too passive imho.
Make this powerful. If she's dying in front him he wouldn't be this calm. He'd be beside himself, yelling for help, asking someone to call 911 while he cradles her in his lap, for example. Up the emotions.

And, I wasn't sure of the sin.

An engrossing read with some nice cinematic touches.

I think the writing is pretty good, the pacing was good, and so we're the visuals. I'm not sure if these two were in love or what their love story was. I'm not sure which sin you were going for either.
I almost felt like this one was written earlier for like a Night Gallery-ish or Twilight Zone-ish series. ???
I did enjoy the read, but I don't think you met the challenge.
Cindy

Hi, Her. :P

I like this one a lot. Gives off strong "It Follows" vibes. :)

Enjoyed the writing. Very simple but effective descriptions. Made for an extremely quick read.

The twist, while a bit predictable, is well set up and executed. I saw pride as the theme, and the love story is there.

Good stuff all around. Great work here. ;D

Really enjoyed this piece.  Great psychological thriller, and I enjoy the use of voiceovers when she starts saying "I'm not crazy."

Is the audience supposed to infer that the dead artist mentioned in the beginning went crazy liked Dana did?  Because that's what I thought in the end.

Great work.

Ahoy writer,

Overall, I actually loved it. Straight to the point and visual enough to see what was happening. You know, I've always thought you had a great knack for evoking atmosphere. It stands out in your script, and it plays out very well. I absolutely agree with Libby - that the love story needs amplifying, or have Ben show more emotion at the end, but outside that, don't really have anything to add. Sorry for the lame ass feedback. The setup is great. Mood and atmosphere is great. It was a delight to read. Um, I wonder if you wanted the ending to come as a surprise or not. Just asking, coz It was very evident early on who the other woman was. Not that it mattered I don't think.  Anywaz, great job writer. Best of Irish luck! :)

The headline for me with this entry - I was engrossed.  Number one rule for any story in my book - engage your reader, and you definitely achieved that for me.

There's an effective chilling pace to this, and I'm a big fan of the creepy - Just like Zack said, reminded me of that scary old stalker woman from "It Follows".

Guessing it was ambiguous to whether there was supernatural at play here or just Dana's mental health declining. That works for me.

Just not sure about the love story or the sin, but overall really enjoyed this read.

Thought this was effective and the device of the paintings would work well on film, creepy too as she more of the other woman.

But, I didn't really see a love story here or a sin, so enjoyed it but it didn't really fir the brief for me.

Nice set up at the beginning.

About mid-way through this, I was able to see where it was heading. Despite that this was still a good story.

I know Dana and Ben were in a relationship, but I not getting a love story here.

As for sin, I'm having trouble putting my finger on which of the deadly sins this could be about as it doesn't really fit in well with any of them.


Regardless, I liked this one.

I liked this one. I read through the other comments and I don't really have anything to add. My only suggestion would be to trim a little around the middle.

Like others, I don't think the love story was really there. Sure, Dana and Ben are in the early stages of a relationship, but it wasn't exactly a love story. The sin I'm not 100% sure of. Still though, I liked the writing and the story. Kept my attention. I love good mysteries.  :)

I liked the setup with the dead man portraits in the opening. It gave me a sense of where the story was going right around the midpoint. However, you just gave us more of the same thing over and over. Fried eggs can't be a signature dish of a chef. She kept seeing the mysterious woman over and over and over. Yes, we got a reveal that she looked like Dana but that was it. It flatlined after that. We knew where we were heading and thus the story died. Make it so we keep guessing. Keep us engaged. Always watch the heartbeat of your story. Keep it alive.

Hello, I really liked the writing, very clean and easy to follow, you know what you're doing that's for sure.

I don't know if this is a love story, just because two people are in love it doesn't mean it's a love story, I don't really see the theme of a sin on display either. Was it jealously from the BF because she was more into painting?

The haunting was the major part of this story, I wish you could've written in a cause or a reason for the haunting. Did she get haunted because she was a painter in a cursed art gallery?

I have to say, your use of visuals were outstanding and you painted a great picture (pun intended), I just wish there was more substance.

Anyways, good effort but in my opinion I don't think this script fit the challenge. All the best and good luck.

-Cheers

This is a solid script and I think it could become a pretty freaky film. The crazy art aspect would be great onscreen. There is also a message about self obsession.

I was waiting for this to come full-circle, with Dana's art being on display just like we see at the beginning of the script.

It might be cool to have Dana come face to face with herself on the street and then back up into traffic. But that might take away from the final shot. Just thinking aloud here.

The scene in the grocery store is a little wordy and cumbersome.

Hey all,

Thanks for taking the time to read this script! I really appreciate all of the comments.

I understand the love story aspect was lost in this script, that was a secondhand thought after writing the initial story. The love aspect was still there, but wasn't played on enough, so I tried fitting it in the theme a bit more. Apparently, I still didn't do it right haha.

As for the sin, it was Pride.

Sean

Quoted from Don She by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) writing as Her - Short, Horror - An artist is haunted by a familiar face. - pdf format Writer interested in feedback on this work

Love the poster, Sean!  8)

Quoted from Grandma Bear Love the poster, Sean!  8)

Thanks, Pia :)