Aleena and Rollie by Jimmy Gator - Short, Drama, Crime - A bag of cash complicates the romance of campus misfits Aleena and Rollie.   - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

This was a really good story, really liked the pacing and flow. Your ability to create some good character development in such a short space really highlights your talent.

A couple of things, sometimes your action lines sounded like dialogue, I’m sure that’s just a stylistic choice, but it did pull me out of the flow of reading a bit. Generally speaking, if action is being used to break up dialogue a (CONT’D) is inserted beside the characters name on the next line of dialogue.

Otherwise a really solid script that adhered to the parameters of the challenge, great job on entering and the best of luck.

~Cheers.

I enjoyed this one.

Had a love story and greed.

Aleena leaving poor Rollie to fiend for himself wasn't exactly loving, but used greed to an extra level for herself.  

Overall nicely executed and fast paced.

Good job on entering

Did this work?

Indeed it did.

Not much to add here - challenge met - writing clean and crisp - a good story well told.

My only criticism - and it does not affect my rating at all - is that the Title is a little uninspired.

Ahoy writer,

Lemme tell you what I like about your writing. It's VERY lean and sparse...you don't waste time and get right to the story. Kudos. Some parts were a but humorous, nothing laugh-out-loud though. That said, liked it. I just didn't luv it. Can't think of much else to say, outside a nit-pick or two, the story is quite solid overall. Good job. Best of Irish luck! :)

Started out great, but in the end, I felt disappointed. Disappointed because she got away with money that wasn't hers. That she stole and in the process two people died. I wanted Rollie and Aleena to be together in the end. I don't know, it just didn't feel right to me.

Written well and well told, just ended in an unsatisfactory way for me.

Great job otherwise.

Really loved the ending here. And the characters. Aleena truly bloomed at the end in all her vivid colors.

On p2 you have her writing down her throughs - I wish it was more general, in a poetry form maybe or something less expositional.

Her deciding to steal the money just like that is a bit too much for me.

Good luck! Good script, thanks writer, overall I enjoyed it

Nicely written and you met the challenge, but I'm not understanding why Aleena  was so cold to Rollie at the end when she definitely had feelings for him, unless she had thoughts that she didn't believe in love. ???
Cindy

Very good writing in display here in a well paced story.

Characters are well drawn and fun too.

The greed angle didn't make as much sense to me, 300k isn;t that much in the scheme of things, and how does Ham Bone know who stole the cash so he can go and retrieve it?

Good effort

Hi Writer

It was nicely written and a breeze to read. The characters were well defined and easily imagined.

I quite liked that Aleena chose greed over love, but I am a sucker for unhappy endings. She's now on the run though, with a measly $300k, it not a great life choice lol

The story needs a bit more to it to really be memorable, I have no idea what that is though.

Noooooooo!!

She shouldn't have left him.
Much more satisfying if they fled together.
That Aleena has trouble articulating her love for Rollie is fine. Good in fact. That would have meant when she finally did say it that it meant something. That would be a terrific filmic moment. That'd make the moment with Gwen a middle-finger moment of joy too. This girl shouldn't be with him, she's punching well below her weight with this scrawny Bruce Lee wannabe. Everybody else sees that too. But she's in love with him.
That's the story I wanted anyway.

Very well written.
Great characters.

I think it might be stronger if Aleena really needs to get away, and needs a whole stack of money to make her escape but the motive was stronger than eggs and French toast. Everyone's been a starving student.

I think you need a little more to the story.
She witnesses the whole exchange with Ham Bone (great characters names btw) and no-one sees her? I thought for sure that was going to come back into play somehow, like she thinks she's not seen but later discovers she was.

Please write another draft. Complicate the plot just a tiny bit more. Make their love unlikely but ultimately triumphant.

Loved it all the same.
A lot of talent here.

(Almost love... And greed).

Fast paced, action packed love story. I have trouble believing that the foolish lover we saw in the opening is capable of doing what he did. I mean, if you just did a better foreshadowing for how crazy in love with her and how ready he's to do anything for her sake, the ending would have felt different.

Also, I kinda of saw it coming. I knew she would use him because she doesn't really love him. Also, could you please setup her need for money more properly. Her going after a loanshark payoff meeting seemed a bit extreme from what we saw from her earlier. So when you have the luxury to write more than ten pages try and fix the following: Establish Rollie's craziness, Establish Aleena's need and greed. Fool us so the ending isn't as predictable as it is now.

Well, really good concise writing here. Keep your writing style that's for sure. Such a seamless read, excellent on that front.

I just didn't really enjoy the story. Didn't understand Aleena, her motives or her decisions. had no empathy for her or Rollie for that matter. I had nothing to root for.

Very well written though.

Quoted from eldave1 Did this work? Indeed it did. Not much to add here - challenge met - writing clean and crisp - a good story well told. My only criticism - and it does not affect my rating at all - is that the Title is a little uninspired.

These are my notes exactly. It's a tad overwritten, particularly at the beginning, but it still engages and once it gets moving it chugs along quite nicely.

This is at the top of my list so far. Well done.

Nailed both the sin and love story aspect of this challenge.

The writing was good, made for a fairly quick read.

The ending didn't work for me. Felt like all of a sudden everything that Aleena and Rollie had just simply ceased to exist. I don't mind that she back-stabs him in the end and takes off with all the money, but it needs to be set up a bit more than it is in their previous interactions.

Good work.

"FUCK FRENCHTOAST"  :K)

BAM!  :o  That would be a title worthy of the amazing story you've created here.

Wonderfully written in a stunning pace and style. Just like a weekend in Vegas. Gosh that takes me back ... I wonder what happened to ... sorry ... back to your story!

I see what you were going for, and I guess if you had more pages, the end wouldn't feel so sudden and out of context.

But anyway, you are truly gifted, and I learned a lot by your work.

Thank you for this entry.

Cheers,

Pedro