Pride Before The Fail by No F*&king Idea - Short, Crime - A writer is willing to sacrifice himself and others for notoriety.  - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Well written and I guess the story works well too except for one thing. Where's the love story? Did you forget? Or did I miss something?

Nitpicks. You have Beasly "perched on a chair" twice in a short period of time. Therefore, it comes off as repetitive.

Some jumbled words on page 5.

Good job writer! Just wished you had included a love story.

Ooops:

I am outing myself.

I wrote PRIDE BEFORE THE FAIL.

It clearly does not meet the parameters. My bad - in my haste yesterday all I saw was OPEN GENRE and SEVEN DEADLY SINS and I totally missed - A LOVE STORY.

Believe me, if I thought there was some contorted logic that could justify this as a love story, yours truly would exploit that. There isn't. Please don't vote on it - read it if you want. But consider it a DQ.

Look forward to seeing what you all come  up with.

Ahh Dave it's my last one so why not :D

You started off calling him Beasley then changed it to Charles  ;D

So in case we didn't notice you went with PRIDE. Mentioned quite a few times throughout :D

It was well written as per usual and as a talented writer yourself, maybe a client you've wanted to string up.

I thought you executed the love story with Charles and Ryan with great detail... so much love to drug, zip tie and tie a rope around his neck in some sort of sexual fantasy. :D

I'm trying to help Dave.

Still ended up a better entry than quite a few :D

Quoted from irish eyes Ahh Dave it's my last one so why not :D You started off calling him Beasley then changed it to Charles  ;D So in case we didn't notice you went with PRIDE. Mentioned quite a few times throughout :D It was well written as per usual and as a talented writer yourself, maybe a client you've wanted to string up. I thought you executed the love story with Charles and Ryan with great detail... so much love to drug, zip tie and tie a rope around his neck in some sort of sexual fantasy. :D I'm trying to help Dave. Still ended up a better entry than quite a few :D

Thanks - I can feel the love.... Wait??? Does that mean it qualifies??????????

Not sure if it would count or not, but there was some type of love story here between Charles and his work. Loves it so much that he killed a man over it, then once his story wasn't getting the attention he thought it would he turned himself in. He sacrificed his freedom to try and get the book more attention.


Anyways, this was still a good read.

Nice work.  Charles is quite the character.  I don't know anyone who would go THAT far for recognition.  He's essentially committing suicide via the justice system.

My only issue was the continuity between calling Charles "Beasley" in the beginning, and "Charles" at the end.

Solid story.

I won't state the obvious, kudos for immeadiately sticking your hand up Dave.

Like the tale, feel his pain ;-)

Quoted from AnthonyCawood I won't state the obvious, kudos for immeadiately sticking your hand up Dave. Like the tale, feel his pain ;-)

Thanks, Anthony.  

Ok, despite the fact I remember seeing more romance in John Carpenter's 'The Thing' - This is actually still one of my favs of the challenge.

The writing is great throughout. Did struggle a little at the beginning with the Malcom X dialogue etc, but when the story get's in to it's sinister swing (excuse the pun), it's great, it's malign, right up my alley. Great stuff.

Everything was tied up at the end too. Impressed!

This one had a shot at the title if you only didn't overlook the love story part. There was enough twists in it to keep the story fresh but the major problem is we didn't root for anyone. Even when the celeb was shitting on the writer, you didn't succeed in making us sympathize with him enough. The writer felt a bit cold and too self-centered. Also, the plan worked perfectly which is bad. Because giving him Xanax and tying him up should have been milked for some suspense. The victim could have woke up too early or something happened to the rope. That scene was devoid of any significant conflict.

This is awesome, Dave. Even though it doesn't quite fit the challenge, I'm still happy you submitted it. Gonna re-read this one a few times and take some notes. ;D

Quoted from Zack This is awesome, Dave. Even though it doesn't quite fit the challenge, I'm still happy you submitted it. Gonna re-read this one a few times and take some notes. ;D

Thanks, mate

Effortless and engrossing read and full of dry humour.

Nitpicks for rewrite purposes:
Charles  Beasly,  perched  on  a  chair  near  an  antique  desk.  A laptop  computer  in  front  of  him.
Charles does one too many 'perched on a chair'

that  get credit  for  my  work.
that I get...

you  shouldn’t have  cashed  the  fucking  check  now.
check, now should you? Or leave out the 'now' maybe?

RYAN
Whatever.  Make  yourself  useful  and grab  me  a  beer  on  your  way  back.
Convenient. But then Charles could have just brought him one on the way back anyway, so no biggie.

as  the  noose  pressed  into  his  neck.
presses

We  could  go  with  suicide  or autoerotic  asphyxiation.  
Personally,  I  favor  the  latter. Suicide’s  been  done  to  death,  
no pun  intended.  And  it’s  not  nearly as  interesting  as  sexual  deviation.
Your  thoughts?

Love this paragraph of dialogue. So droll.  ;D
I picture someone like Anything Hopkins playing Charles.

And this one:
Charles  observes  with  all  the  passion  of  a  man  watching  a documentary.
Loved it.

Does everyone have zip ties in their garage?

(at  Charles)
(to Charles) ?

Smooth ending but I might have liked Charles to have the last word, but the image is great all the same.

There's a little bit of us all in the characters we write.*
Remind me not to get on the wrong side of you, Dave.

* Disclaimer: Just hpefully not Zack's characters.

Quoted from LC Effortless and engrossing read and full of dry humour. Nitpicks for rewrite purposes: Charles  Beasly,  perched  on  a  chair  near  an  antique  desk.  A laptop  computer  in  front  of  him. Charles does one too many 'perched on a chair' that  get credit  for  my  work. that I get... you  shouldn’t have  cashed  the  fucking  check  now. check, now should you? Or leave out the 'now' maybe? RYAN Whatever.  Make  yourself  useful  and grab  me  a  beer  on  your  way  back. Convenient. But then Charles could have just brought him one on the way back anyway, so no biggie. as  the  noose  pressed  into  his  neck. presses We  could  go  with  suicide  or autoerotic  asphyxiation.   Personally,  I  favor  the  latter. Suicide’s  been  done  to  death,   no pun  intended.  And  it’s  not  nearly as  interesting  as  sexual  deviation. Your  thoughts? Love this paragraph of dialogue. So droll.  ;D I picture someone like Anything Hopkins playing Charles. And this one: Charles  observes  with  all  the  passion  of  a  man  watching  a documentary. Loved it. Does everyone have zip ties in their garage? (at  Charles) (to Charles) ? Smooth ending but I might have liked Charles to have the last word, but the image is great all the same. There's a little bit of us all in the characters we write.* Remind me not to get on the wrong side of you, Dave. * Disclaimer: Just hpefully not Zack's characters.

Thanks Libby - appreciated.

I love this line: "Charles observes with all the passion of a man watching a documentary."

The SQUEAK, SQUEAK distraction is also excellent.

I appreciate the extra twist of pride at the end--the desire for sales.

There are so many direct references to pride at the end of the script. Removing one or two might be worthwhile.

Enjoyed it.