Soul Troll by Jeffrey Bruno - Short, Horror - Three small-town kids happen across a bizarre man that lives underneath a bridge… 10 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi writer,

Enjoyed reading this one. The good writing and story set up made for an engaging read. You set the scene very well - was easy for me to visualise throughout. And it was creepy. Good work!

Got a couple of subjective nitpicks though: Jessica searching for the lost ball in the dark, under the bridge, on her own - Why would anyone do that? Felt a little like a plot device. I think if she's going to go and search for something in the pitch black, it's gotta be something very important to her, not just a baseball.

I wasn't sure about the scene where Jessica addresses Troll Jenkins under the bridge. You set it up really well and I believe she is meant to be terrified by this sinister encounter, but her dialogue seems quite strange and relaxed. I was surprised she would do any thing other than just turn and run!

Not sure if there was a moral in the ending with bad kid Tommy's brutal demise, little harsh on him, if so.  

Anyway, overall I liked it. A well written, creepy little short.

Hey, Jeff.

You around to chat about your script?

Thanks for the feedback Colin

@ColinS  ---- Good points about the motivations of Jessica. You're right that it's a bit of suspension of disbelief that she'd go under-- but I was hoping it would come across as an attempt by her to prove that there's nothing to fear.  (And that their cruel assumptions about the man were wrong)

My thinking was that she was putting on a brave front, to try to prove the others wrong.
Anyway, I think you're right that I could better convey her underlying fear/ and her attempts to cover it up.

Haha yes its a bit of a moral judgement on Tommy. Hey, it's horror, somebody's gotta die :P

@Zack-- yes I'm here for any feedback and thoughts you may have.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts !!

Your welcome Jeff :)

I can see the angle you were looking to come from now - Good work though!