Size Doesn't Matter by Frank B. Hansen - Short, Comedy - A smarty-pants burglar gets more than he bargained for when he breaks into a house with a hamster-size watchdog. 3 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Thanks for posting, Don.

Nice one, Frank!

SPOILERS BELOW




I think you need to differentiate that this:

A bark rumbles through the air.
Is a bark of a different kind (to the yap) So maybe this:

A growl, followed by a snarl rips through the room with a
fierce sound. - should go on the first line or combine both perhaps?

Edgar hits a concrete surface hard, grits his teeth as he
covers one knee with his hands.
Does he injure himself here? I'd play that up a bit. Covers one knee with his hands is a bit tame.

As Claire exits the front door, he pushes away from the
parked car, pulls a phone from a pocket, puts it to his ear.
This kinda implied he was calling a partner in crime, or maybe a getaway driver.

And here:
Edgar pushes open a window, pauses, gives a thumb up.
Who's he giving the thumbs up to?

He turns, lifts his eyebrows as he mouths, “Bear.”
You need to start that sentence with his name imho.

This, below, is your big reveal/punchline:

A dog bed sits between two large floor speakers and a
subwoofer. The dog sits behind a microphone, barks into it.

For that reason it needs a slugline/shot of its own.

I'm being picky about placement for maximum effect mainly.
It was very entertaining.

Thanks, LC.
Appreciate your notes.

My first attempt at a short.

I used bark and yap, just to mix it up a little bit, thinking when a small dog barks, it sounds like a yap.

Yes, Edgar did injurie himself. At the end he does speed-limp away.

I had Edgar be on the phone (pretending) not to look to suspicious. Interesting thought, LC. I didn't even think of him calling a getaway car or a partner in crime. He never dials or tap the phone, so I thought that would show he just pretended being on the phone, pulling the phone from his pocket, putting it to his ear.

""And here:
Edgar pushes open a window, pauses, gives a thumb up.
Who's he giving the thumbs up to?""
This one is interesting. The thought was for Edgar to pause, in case an alarm goes off. In this case, no alarm, thumbs up, clear to climb in. This is certainly not clear to the reader, so maybe just remove the thumbs up, make it simple.

Again, appreciate the feedback.

Frank

Cure little story - enjoyed it

Great short - entertaining.

Thanks Dave and Barry John.

This short was originally written as a one page script for the Doritos Superbowl contest commercial, back in the days. The dog didn't care if the burglar scooped up jewelry, but don't ever mess with my Doritos chips. Wasn't able to film in time.

Frank