Whoo Who by Barry John Terblanche - Short, Comedy - Not all owls speak the same language.  1 page - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Thanks for posting Don.

Hey Barry!

This is cute and amusing, and as animation (even though I wanted a teeny bit more) I think the punchline lands, but maybe could be given a little more? This is Abbott and Costello without a lot of range.

Forest owl just stairs ahead.
Stares

Forest owl stairs ahead. Barn owl stairs him...
Should be stares throughout.
And: stares at him, or stares him down.

Fucking delinquent forest owl's.
No apostrophe last word, last line.

I'm on the fence regarding the expletives, especially if your demographic is kids, which it probably isn't.
Anyway, just my thoughts.

Thank's for the read and comment LC. Yeah, I overlooked that typo - Stare/stairs. This is one of those really short stories we "spit out" after smoking the leaves of the wisdom weed.  :-)    

Hey Barry,

Funny one.

I got nothing to add. LC noted the "stairs" and "stares."

To be picky, not sure if emphasis in dialogue should be underlined or capped. I see your point here, cause the Barn Owl is getting really annoyed.

Your cover page "Whoo. Whoo. is different from the title posted (Whoo Who).

Frank

Frank

thank you FrankH, for pointing that out - Cover page; Whoo whoo.

Best.

Humorous little skit. Not bad, Barry. :)

Cool, thanks bud.