My Fathers Daughter by Damien Michael Aulsberry - Short - An estranged daughter visits her dying father to talk about apples and trees. 7 page

Contest: Official Selection Rome Independent Prisma Awards 2019 - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi there,

So reading this intriguing neat little tail, I've come out with mixed feelings. I enjoyed reading it because you've got nice concise writing. You don't mince your words and that's a good trait. A little more exposition at times may have improved my read but too fair it was pretty seamless, so well done on that front.

The problem for me, lies within the story itself - I didn't quite get the relationship between Frank and Jessie. I didn't really grasp the bones of the story either. Why was there such beef between them? At first, by the way she was speaking to him, I thought maybe he had abused her - I thought the story was heading to a very dark place. But that wasn't the case. Or at least I don't think it was the case. I'm guessing she was speaking to him in jest - but they are very strong words to say to a dying man. In my opinion.

I didn't quite understand the focus on the brother Sean either. There was fair bit of time spent on him and didn't really get why.

So I like your writing, I was intrigued - but I really didn't get what I had read in the end.

There's a lot of stories I don't get, by the way - So definitely no need to be discouraged lol.

It's still a good piece of work - Keep writing!

Hi Colin
I really appreciate you taking the time to have a read. I think you are spot on. I wanted to look at family dynamics from a personal perspective. I am delighted you enjoyed the style and turned the page. The story is based on a mad dream I had. It’s probably not even a screenplay but it’s something I had to write.
Best
Damien

Hi Damian,
Read script a number of times and I really like it!

I don’t feel we really need to know why they were estranged  it’s possibly more interesting for the viewer to fill in with their own imagination. Personally I wonder whether it might be that it was Jessica that needs forgiven even. She must love her father or she wouldn’t have called her daughter Frankie.
The banter in the hospital works it’s funny and is often the case as humans we use it in the darkest of hours. It really works that the film starts and ends with similar scenes  and leaves with a stronger bond of Jesse and her daughter.

I can visualise this short film and would like to see it.

Keep up the good work , Cheers, Eric

Hi Eric

Wow! I don't think I could have given a better explanation. You have hit the nail on the head. Jessie is a chip off the old block, no matter how hard she tries to escape the fact. She is her fathers daughter and Frankie reinforces this. Jessie sees herself in her daughter but also her father, like it or not.  

The harsh exchanges between father and daughter have a caustic feel but I hope the gallows humor comes through in the script. Jessie and Frank are "having the craic with each other" which is an local term for taking the pi** out of each other at a dark hour. In my neck of the woods funerals are much better craic than weddings and humor is funniest in places where it's not supposed to be.

Thanks for the kind review. It has been a great help and I genuinely mean that.

Best

Damien

Damien,

Your name sounds familiar. Do I know you from Script Revolution? I'm sure I've read your work before.

Anyway, a nice slice of life, or end of life. I love the cold demeanor between father and daughter. I really got a good grasp of the scene of her and Frank at hospice. Very emotional piece, but not really a traditional short with a twist or a big scene that caps it. This one just felt like it drifted off to its end, with the reveal being the twisting of the hair via Frankie. I liked this a lot. Very understated, yet heartfelt. Nice work!

Steve

Hey Steve

Thanks for taking the time to have a read. Yes we have crossed paths and I've also read some of your good work. I started writing in 2015 and joined SimplyScrips not long after. It has been a happy hunting ground for me. The first two screenplays I wrote featured on this site and both were optioned. One is still in post production hell but the second one if I'm not mistaken can be viewed on the produced work page. It's called Sons & Broken Noses.

I wrote a flurry of screenplays from 2015 up until 2019. My world then got turned upside down when I developed chronic tinnitus. For the last couple of years I've been battling to stop this screaming sound in my head from driving me mad. It's taken a huge toll and when I look back at the screenplays I've written it's like someone else wrote them.

I'm slowly getting back to myself with the help on a hearing aid and a hermits lifestyle. The urge it write is also coming back and it's great. I've missed it so much!

Thanks again

Best

Damien

Good to hear you’re on the mend and getting things going again. Best of luck and hope to read more of your work.

I'll be darned! I'm a screenplay competition reader/judge for a good few companies. I can't say for whom - NDA. I recall judging this script. Well-deserved judging!

Hey BarryJohn

WOW! what a coincidence. Thanks so much for helping it along that way.

Best

Damien

Cool... But, I did not help you. You helped yourself by writing a great script! - well done. Best.