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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  /  Predator 1715
Posted by: Don, April 15th, 2022, 7:19pm
Predator 1715 by Jose Rivadulla-Rey - Sci Fi, Fantasy - Raphael Adolini, A Black Pirate / Captain Of La Reina Negra (The black queen) Galleon embarks to the Guinea Coast, Africa, in search of lost treasure only to be met by a Predator in search of a person worthy of the hunt. (Inspired by the comic book) 62 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Posted by: CrackedAces, April 16th, 2022, 12:14am; Reply: 1
Screenwriting is rewriting until your fingertips bleed.
A filmable story that’s easy to read is the minimum requirement. You got the work on the page, now you must edit the hell out of it.
Here’s a list of my edit notes:
1.     The SCENE HEADING must be in ALL CAPS. INT. or EXT. is the camera location then WHERE THE ACTION TAKES PLACE followed by - DAY or NIGHT.
Yours = EXT. DAY. The open sea North Atlantic Ocean
Should be: EXT. NORTH ATLANTIC OCEAN – DAY
The open sea is just too many words. NORTH ATLANTIC OCEAN is enough. Those three words alone tells me it’s open and cold.
2.     Keep the block of ACTION within 4 lines. You have 8 lines. That is too much to eat in one bite. The block of action is supposed to be what the camera sees in one take. That 8 lines of action of yours will require an octopus to film.
Break the action into bite size chunks.
3.     Rewrite the scene without using WE SEE. It’s a waste of words.
4.     Whenever an “ing” word follows a linking verb anywhere in a sentence – DELETE the “is” or “are” and use the root word.
Raphael is looking. REWRITE to be Raphael looks.
You should be able to deles 90% of the “ings”.
5.     The echo on the ship copies the orders and the sails are opened fully. This is two entirely different unrelated thoughts from out of the blue. Try to keep the exposition coherent.
6.     CONTINUED! Discontinue the continues. Delete the hell out of them.
7.     The music begins to play and the drinking and fighting begin, the night continues,
HOW ABOUT: Music plays as sailors drink and fight throughout the night.
8.     EDWARD THACHE (BLACKBEARD) Alright already, after the introduction just pick one for the character name and use it throughout the story.

That’s enough for now. Rewrite to make the story filmable and easier readable.

Good luck! No first draft is ever filmed unless you’re also the Producer/Director with money to waste. My scripts are maybe 50 drafts or more.
Posted by: EC, April 21st, 2022, 1:51pm; Reply: 2
Too much attention is focused on the screenplay format. While the screenplay format is essential, format critiques should come secondary to nailing down the story. To that end, maybe, Simply Scripts could set up a workflow process (submission > story critique  > rough draft > format critique > revised rough draft > final first draft) to better assist aspiring screenwriters.

Some thoughts:

I'm a big fan of writers who think big and shoot for the fences. While I appreciate this writer's efforts, the storyline could use some work. I would recast this piece as a slave revolt story set in the early days of the transatlantic slave trade—1619. Predator 1619 pretty much writes itself. The title alone is deep with meaning. Imagine:  A cargo ship off the coast of West Africa floundering in the doldrums. The crew, weary with exhaustion, struggles to fight off boredom while the precious black gold (maybe 20 souls) stirs restlessly in the cargo hold. Suddenly, the wind picks up as dark clouds roll in. As nightfalls, a storm descends on the ship; turbulent winds toss the cargo ship across the high seas. The enslaved people seize on the moment, rise in revolt, and violently overwhelm the crew. The ensuing chaos sends us to BLACK. We open the following day—the cargo ship is listing in shallow waters, survivors, a mix of enslaved men and crew wash ashore on a mysterious verdant isle. As the survivors move ashore to seek shelter, distrust brews among the men as they soon learn they are not alone on this far-flung island. Do they ban together against a superior opponent, or do fear, distrust, and hatred destroy them.
Posted by: EC, May 1st, 2022, 9:52pm; Reply: 3
I came across an article about the pirate Black Caesar.  I was pleasantly surprised to learn about his many exploits on the high seas and his eventual capture in 1718.
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