Subconscience by Mark Renshaw (markrenshaw) writing as Siggy Freud - Short, Family - After a teenager recovers from a bang to the head while out hunting for treasure with a metal detector, she discovers she can hear and influence her own subconscious... and the subconscious of other beings as well.  - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Very clever little story. You handled all the inner voices well and all the transitions were fairly seamless. I can't believe I guessed who the girl was before the reveal and groaned when I was right. It had to be her, though. The only way to make the story work.

Nice work, writer. Good luck!

I had to look up Greta after reading JE's comments.  I knew in the back of my head that I should know who Greta is, and I do.  I just haven't heard her name in awhile.  It was a good story.  Well told.

I'm not sure about the title. I was thinking The Awakening would work better but I think that's been used before and you don't want right-wingers complaining this is one of those 'woke' screenplays so I don't know.

As it is, I think the story works if you know who the girl is supposed to be but also if you don't. Meets the parameters but one question, what happened to the metal detector? It seemed to conveniently disappear once that particular parameter was met!

Curious little tale of woe. This has a serious ‘Dead Zone’ vibe going on, wherein a schoolteacher awakens from a coma to find he has psychic powers. The reference to ‘Greta’ went over my head, till I read the comments… ok, I see what you did there.

If, for some reason you rewrite this, please include the Colorado Low (in your disaster montage) that’s raging through the prairies right now bringing sub-zero temps and a shit ton of rain and snow, because I should be gardening this time of year… something just ain’t right.

Anyway, clever enough story for the theme at hand. Best of luck.

Pretty cool, she can hear all the organs in her body talking. Even the flashback sequences didn't bother me that much because I usually have a strong aversion whenever I read (FLASHBACK) in a script. However, too many voices could lead to disastrous results. Didn't pick up on the Greta reveal like some of the others did so I'll have to do a little looking.

This is one of those tricky shorts that reads better on the page than it would play when filmed. If it's Greta... we'd see her through the entire short, thereby blunting any ending reveal.

That said, I did like the concept.

The beginning was very rushed. She's detecting. She falls. She hits her head. Almost like you were in a serious hurry to get past it.

I'm also not sure that any of the subconscious stuff adds to the short. What do the voices of all of her internal functions add to your theme? Consider slashing all of that and just picking it up with the crab.

Finally, I was really skeptical when you first introduced Earth as a voice. I thought "how the heck does the audience know it's the earth talking here?" But, as you rolled through the montage, then her tears drip into the sand... you turned me. I think it would work.

Interesting short. Thanks for sharing.

This script had a good message. I liked your mention of the Earth' s voice over about the danger. I've no complaints about this script except one thing. Will you consider rewriting the logline? It looks a bit complicated.

Well done.

Michael

Quoted from PKCardinal I'm also not sure that any of the subconscious stuff adds to the short. What do the voices of all of her internal functions add to your theme? Consider slashing all of that and just picking it up with the crab.

Two things... one, by subconscious stuff, I mean the internal dialogue about her own body.

Two, I woke up this morning thinking I'm probably wrong on this point. I think you're trying to say everything is connected. Everything. So, disregard my note. The problem seems to be the slow reader. :)

Nice tidy writing.

It was clever idea, but it got a little too nuts for me to really get drawn in.

Was definitely creative though. Think others will appreciate it more so.

And I hate Thunberg :(

Then metal detector was really secondary here, but it allowed for the route into the story.

I think there's too much internal VO here as it becomes expositional, but I did like the end reveal.

Decent effort

Metal Detector was the catalyst I suppose, but bump on the head (there sure are a lot of characters being bumped on the head in this challenge or having things drop on them) got the ball rolling.

I'm not sure the Ice-cream vendor subplot was necessary or the flashback to his father. I'm not convinced all the bodily functions added much either. I kinda think if you'd stuck with all the things in nature calling her to a higher cause it may have come off more focused for me.

I didn't understand the crab's fear, but I loved the crabs all the same. They added some nice comic relief.

I think outside of the challenge it could do with a few tweaks, but pretty clever all the same.

I really liked the way that this started. Very clever to have Greta communicating with her bodily functions. Nice line involving her picking her nose. All this is great.

It was slightly less satisfying when she started picking up the feelings of others, although this led to some sweet moments. It seems like her ability to perceive the past of others goes far beyond her original abilities.

I guess I would like to see how this script turned out if it were confined to Greta's own inner dialogue. But overall an intriguing idea.

Very much like Inside out only with external evil present (in the face of her father)

I'd say it contained exposition for me. The flashback broke the flow for me. Her "you're not your father" line feels on the nose.

Good idea though. And congrats for making the challenge, something I couldn't do.

That was a cool little story, like an origin story for Ms. Thunberg. The writing was good and the twist at the end was a great reveal. Although I always found it strange why we as people are shouting, "save the Earth". It should be more like, "save ourselves". The earth has gone through periods of losing more than 90% of it's inhabitants and fully recovring after a few million years. But I guess that's beside the point.

The only gripe I may have is when the earth starts speaking, the audience might have a problem following who is actually speaking. Other than that I found this to be quite creative and really enjoyed it.

Best of luck, writer.

Thanks to one and all. I'm pleased with how this was received. Some preferred the earlier subconscious elements, others preferred the latter - it was a good mix.

The story is about a growing awareness of a part of the mind which lies just beneath the surface that influences our actions and feelings. When Greta taps into her subconscious, she gradually becomes aware of a connection to the subconscious of all living beings, including the planet.

It's a symbolic statement about empathy and our responsibility to other beings and the Earth. I was going to call it The Awakaning but I'm aware of how some people react to 'woke' stuff so tried to avoid making that aspect front and center.

There was one comment which said the reveal at the end would be spoiled the moment we saw Greta, which is fair enough. However, I doubt you'd get Greta to play this part (she's not 15 any more for a start) so in the casting, you just get someone who looks like a 15-year old girl who isn't a dead ringer for Greta, or the ending can be changed of course.

Thanks all, it's been a pleasure as always.  

Quoted from MarkRenshaw There was one comment which said the reveal at the end would be spoiled the moment we saw Greta, which is fair enough. However, I doubt you'd get Greta to play this part (she's not 15 any more for a start) so in the casting, you just get someone who looks like a 15-year old girl who isn't a dead ringer for Greta, or the ending can be changed of course.

That was me. :)

You make a fine counter!

Congrats on the win. As always... good stuff.