Neptune's Reef by Insert talentless idiot's name here... - Short, Comedy - A detectorist searching for gold encounters someone who does not approve of his nerdy fucking hobby. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I gotta ask, is Neptune's Reef a real thing? It's so ridiculous that it probably does exist. Enough rich wack-jobs in Florida to succeed. Anyways, fun little story and humorous outcome. No real complaints.

Good luck, writer!

From the long lost stories of Jules (sic) Verne, modernized for today's audiences!!  Neptune/Stevo, took me a second before I realized it was a hallucination.  I think it works.

Haha! Love the extra contact details on the title Page.

You really don't need the 'small boat' in the opening slug, given you go on to describe it as such. Nitpick there.
Couple of odd spaces format wise.
Not sure why the word 'guaranteed' is bolded in a sea  ;D of otherwise normal font.
Mor flinching - p.3 missing the 'e'.

The humour was good, vfunny in spots,

STEVO
Weird is wandering around a massive field with your beepy stick
and finding buttons all day long.
Jules petulant reply and his delicate sensibilities to Stevo's foul mouth is funny too.

Dialogue pretty seamless.
I loved that you chose underwater and not land.

Not sure Jules was deserving of his fate.

Overall, entertaining.and inventive.

The beginning was a lot of unnecessary exposition. It was very much "Remind me why we are doing this again?" and a conversation everyone knows would have happened much earlier on in the venture and not just before the dive.

I think you can cut most of it.

The rest was very expensive budget-wise but worked. It was funny, and a creative way of getting the voices in the head angle. I'm just not sure if Neptune was real or not but maybe that's the point? I know he was hallucinating and Neptune was Stevo but then Neptune turned up.

A good effort, well done.

Haha, liked your title page. Poor ol' Stevo, I was enjoying that Florida-Man character. The script got bombarded with words/descriptions once we got underwater, but the reveal was clever.

I had to read it twice to get my head round it but when I did it was quite funny.

I think you missed a chance to flesh out the graveyard and the treasure a bit more but still an amusing wee tale.

Well done

STEVE, 40s, sea hardened, and tanned, skin... I read it as: Stevo, sea hardened and tanned... skin...

Which, I thought... "At least we know he has skin."

I point that out to show the level of reader you're dealing with. That is... take my opinions with a grain of salt.

I also assumed Jules was a female, until I found out otherwise.

Alright... personal failings aside...

I really enjoyed this. Kudos for getting us into the water. You really drew a unique and fun world with this underwater graveyard.

Lots of exposition early. If you do a rewrite, concentrate on the opening page or two. They're just a a bit clunkier than the rest. At the very least, flip some of it. Have Jules verifying the information, rather than Stevo dishing it out. "Just to confirm. I'm looking for pink flamingos and fake grass?" Or, something like that.

The only other note is that Jules flips in personality in a very aggressive way. Early, he's more passive and apprehensive. Even when he stabs Stevo the first couple of times it's more accidental/defensive. Then, out of nowhere, he's a psycho, hyper-aggressive maniac... "Cat got your tongue?", "Time for some father/son time." It just feels like two different characters... or even two different writers. Like, someone wrote the first part of the script, and someone else came in and wrote the last page.

Overall, great job. I enjoyed this!

The title page is clever and I liked the concept of Steve being mistaken for Neptune because of the toxins. It's kind of a dark turn, but I it works for me. It also was interesting that you utilized the metal detector underwater. Points for uniqueness.

I struggled with the flamingos and fake grass as part of an underwater search. That's just not something I'm familiar with, so I felt a little lost. Would it be more efficient just to make this a little more familiar--a shipwreck perhaps?

I like the title page, a bit of tongue and cheek. Strange that the Detectorist is an expert but would ask what to do when he got there.  Missed a :FADE OUT or :END at the end of the script.

Not a bad little tale, it played out as a comedy at the beginning but quickly turned into a horror show by the end, I don't mind tonal shifts, but this one seemed a bit to drastic by the end. I think you should've stuck with the comedic tone you set at the beginning, as it is a short and mixing genres in such a small space can have detrimental  consequences, as I think it did here.

The writing was good and easy to follow, nice descriptions. A good effort, but I think your script would've benefited from sticking to one genre.

great job on entering.  

This was an enchanting under the sea adventure. Kind of read like Deadpool – at least, that’s where the title page took me, like the Deadpool opening front credit crawl, which is disastrous (the movie) for producers, executive producers, and executive-assistant-assistant-producer-to-the-producer who has absolutely nothing to do with the movie except maybe bought the crew coffee and donuts so they could have their name appear on the big screen… so, not sure how they got that approved.

Anyway, Neptune is a humorous visual, better than Negasonic Teenage Warhead, I guess. I didn’t know they made underwater detectors, but that makes sense cause most of the treasures to be found in the world are buried somewhere in the ocean, pirates n’ shit.

Curiously, I have a bunch, like 30… of those pink plastic flamingos scattered about at the lake, they’re so tacky and awesome all at the same time, especially when the snow starts to melt, it looks like they’re all poking their heads through the surface so they can see what’s happening.

Funny ending… seems to fit the theme appropriately. Well written, I could visualize all the craziness. Best of luck.

Nice switcheroo I think and with a little clean up it could be great.

Why Steve didn't want to do it himself again and had to have Jules for it? Maybe I missed that but I read it twice and don't want to go back.

I liked the double twist you have there - first when Neptune turns into Stevo for Jules and then the very end of it. Very good

You could get away with a lot of under the sea description I think.

Thanks to all for their comments and suggestions, appreciated as always!

Yes, John, Neptune's Memorail Reef is a real thing not been personally as I'm a land based detectorist but I've been wanting to use it as a setting in a script for a while.

Quoted from AnthonyCawood Thanks to all for their comments and suggestions, appreciated as always! Yes, John, Neptune's Memorail Reef is a real thing not been personally as I'm a land based detectorist but I've been wanting to use it as a setting in a script for a while.

It's REAL!?! OMG. I love it. Kudos to you for recognizing the potential for a script location.

My VG and I thought it had a really rare zing to it. Sort of as a double twist at the end that were very well handled!