Precious Mettle by An Arm & A Leg - Short, Drama, War - After a close encounter in a mine field, three soldiers just want to go home. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I like this, although I had a hunch where it was going. The transition from Johnny's POV wasn't too clear. I figured since there was a scene heading that it was over but there.probably should be a definitive transition. Otherwise, good stuff.

Good luck, writer!

Well told story.  I was with it all the way.  I want to say more but I don't want to be the reviewer who gives it away for the next reader.  Again, well told.

Hi, writer

Wiki chunk: “Dubbed the “Bouncing Betty” by American infantrymen, these mines were buried just underground, only exposing three prongs on the top which were usually camouflaged by the nearby grass vegetation.”

Dig the whisper, via Betty character. Then we go full throttle Jacob’s Ladder, as in…

‘Nother Wiki chunk: Jacob's Ladder is a 1990 American psychological horror film directed by Adrian Lyne, produced by Alan Marshall. In the film, Jacob Singer's experiences before and during his service in Vietnam result in strange, fragmentary visions and bizarre hallucinations that continue to haunt him. As his ordeal worsens, Jacob desperately attempts to figure out the truth.

The truth, spoiler… he’s dead. And the following vision is etheric only.

Anyway, this script reminded me of all those things. You’re dark , dude… so dark. or have a bizarre romance with war and the logistics of… well done either way. points pro·lif·er·ate...

Oh man that was a hard hitter .

Looking at steven8 comment above about giving the game away I'm not sure how much I can say

Im wanting to talk about the ending but I'll have to do that after everyones up to speed.

I enjoyed it .

Hello

I liked your story. Yes... it was a bit predictable, however it was told well and written well. The dialogue was pretty awesome.

Two thumbs up!

Although this uses a theme that's been done many times, it is done well and the story flows along. Liked the nicknames of the two soldiers. Visuals were good and it should be pretty easy to film. Nice entry.

Knew where this was going from the start, but when a story is well told (as this is) then it doesn't matter as you get what you want from it.

Three minesweepers in a desert in Afghanistan... and one of them asks what blew him up, made me laugh.

Good effort

Had to read this one twice just to make sure I had my head around it  - lol.

Have to say, I really quite liked it. It works and it's another clever spin on the challenge criteria.

The way you brought your visuals to life was excellent - I could picture things :)

What's with the space between the characters and their dialogue though? Found that a bit weird.

Real contender this one.

I liked this script!  While reading it I had a wild guess at how the ending was going to happen.  I got it right!!  I will not blow it for others to read this, but it's well written and to a United States Veteran, like myself, I could feel the realism within the script writing.  

Great job!!

Good stuff.

At first I was wondering why they were all so casual. They're in a mine field, but they're just joking and walking around... even after an explosion.

Of course, in the end, it made sense.

From the way this is written and formatted in Word I'm thinking this is someone newish to screenwriting so I won't comment on any of that only to say it was very readable anyway and you just might want to look into screenplay structure and formatting to tighten things up.

From a story point of view using minesweepers was a creative interpretation of the challenge and you managed to reflect the battlefield and comradery of soldiers really well.

It was very obvious early on where this was heading and this is something like the 4th or 5th script I've read in this challenge where the character is dying or in a coma but your interpretation still hit the heartstrings.

The formatting took me off in this.

Good premise, nicely done and all, but overwritten in my opinion. Either that or the dialog is not interesting enough to keep me in. My mind kept wondering off.

there's a way to tighten this and make it more interesting. it may come with a rewrite or a thought of a rewrite. Good luck to you with it!

The title page is super cool. This wins the award for that.

I appreciate the grittiness of this script. The streamer of bloody snot comes to mind. Awesome.

Having said that, I didn't quite connect with the script. We never got to see these soldiers sweat it out in the minefield before the explosion and I think that's where the real drama would be. I would have preferred that to the deception we see here.

Yep, great title page.
Terrific title too with the pun on words.

Apart from the formatting - gaps between character/dialogue etc., this is beautifully written with a great cinematic eye.

Not sure about the last line and medals, given they're dead.

Regardless, you made me feel it and I'm sure it'll stay with me.
Mission accomplished.  :D

Cool title page, really liked that. Not much to say, I enjoyed this one. Short and sweet, I knew what was coming as soon as Boomer and Betty started to strip their uniforms and walk into the sunset, maybe there would be a way in rewrite to not be too on the nose with them being "dead" as by the end, it played out exactly as I thought it was going to.

The writing was good and well paced, I like the descriptions you gave as it painted a full picture.

Great job on entering and good luck.

From the comments, I thought this would've done better than it did. Just goes to show....

Okay, so the formatting was f@cked. I didn't have my laptop and had to make do with Word. Did I get bashed for that? Probably.

Kham - Wordy and overwritten? Well, okay.
LC - What was the point of mentioning medals at the end because they were all dead? Johnny survived. Or did you mean something else?

I'm surprised nobody mentioned the lack of page numbers too. That was prime cannon fodder for the format police.

Loved the OWC. Thanks, Don!

Yep, daft comment of mine. Ignore.

This got an Excellent from me. Was my absolute favorite.
Hope it gets picked up, John.