Escape by D. Schrute - Short, Drama - A grandfather has a plan to better his grandson's life. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

The SUPER on page 4 should be above the scene header, not below it. And the reveal of the map on page 5 is clunky. Besides that, good stuff. An easy read. Met the challenge. Well done. :)

That's a very nice story with a heartfelt ending. Well done.

I'm a bit confused about him hitting his head and seeing grandpa though. If he hadn't, would the sports car sit and rot away for years? How did he know that he'd run into the only tree around? I need answers.

Anywho, nice tale. Good luck, writer!

Nicely done. Odd twist having the grandson hear the voice. Only thing I might suggest would be to have Bert order the metal detector online and somehow sneak it into the nursing home rather than go to hobby shop to buy one. There could be some additional humor with trying to connect to the delivery driver without anyone noticing. Just a suggestion. Read it twice to clarify some things. Good entry.

My father turned 83 this year.  He also loves my eldest son an awful lot, but I'd like to believe he doesn't think I'm an a-hole.   ;D

Cute story.  I like it.  For some reason it seems British to me.

Nitpick.
Are those Mini slugs correctly spaced?
Some of your spacing is definitely out of whack.

Some funny lines of dialogue:
BERT  (O.S.)
I  was 83. Walk like an old man.
Made me chuckle.

I really enjoyed this!
And a nice feel-good ending to boot.  8)

It was a funny story about an old man giving present to his grandson, hopefully he would learn something from the process. I enjoyed reading it especially when Josh got a big present.

I suggest you add a big and difficult obstacle for Josh to overcome to get it. Why? It'd make the story more dramatic.

Michael

I liked this one, nice story and moves at a pace suitable to the tale.

Couple of nitpicks (imho of course), I felt at 83 and in a bad way, would struggle getting out of a window and then doing all that digging.

The metal detector here is pretty redundant as he gives him a treasure map, I'd genuinely consider taking the MD out if you re-write this one.

Other than that good job.

Endearing story. Enjoyed it.

Seamless read - the writing was nice and simply and concise.

Got a little confused with Bert's form at times as sometimes he was voice over, sometimes off screen but mostly on screen. So perhaps more an apparition than just a voice in the head?

anyway, another enjoyable read here :)

I'd really be interested in seeing this told in a non-linear style as my main complaint is that it's a bit straight-line.

Other than that, not much to add that hasn't been said.

Thanks for sharing.

A happy feel good tale that I enjoyed. I can't think of anything more to give advice on this .

Good luck .

Very nicely written and lovely sentiment. The metal detector feels shoehorned in and the way it is currently written, there is no surprise. We see grandpa setting up the treasure hunt for his grandson and then we see the grandson find the treasure - there is no mystery or suspense.  

It also seems that this entire plan was dependent on Grandpa's ghost being able to guide him as he's useless at treasure hunting.

I think there is a wonderful story bursting to break free here and I'd strongly suggest you have a revisit outside of the parameters of this challenge.

Nice but a bit too sweet for me.

I felt like it could be either shortened or added some more texture. Let's see if you decide to rewrite this one.

the first two pages were great though. It just went on without disclosing much at needed intervals for me

I loved the opening pages of this. It was engaging and efficient. I was truly invested in what this old man was up to. When he took out the money and bought all those weird items, it was really intriguing. The gas can in particular was effective. Overall, a great set up.

The transition to Josh wasn't as smooth. Bert's first voice over lines are a little confusing--knocked you out cold. The kid was knocked out cold? I say it would be better just to cut to the kid searching for the treasure five years later. Also, look for ways to get more of Bert's personality into his voice over conversation, since he seems to be a wild old dude.

The script recovers at the end and I enjoyed the ending.

A fun script. Tighten the middle and you've got a winner.  

I liked this, easy to make, heartfelt. The ghostly appearance of Bert makes it a little more plausible.

I really can’t think of anything to add re: feedback on improvements, except the transition to Josh waking near the tree might be fleshed out with a few more lines of how or why he hit it (tree limb) so hard it knocked him unconscious, that took a double read to figure out where the story went, but I’m just nit-picking. Well done! Best of luck.

Hello writer, off the bat I thought it was strange to be able to withdraw 14k from an ATM, maybe change it to a box of cash hidden somewhere or include a bank scene, kinda threw me a bit with that one.

I feel this script was missing something, it didn't have any type of antagonist to hinder the search as we as the reader were just along for a straight forward treasure hunt.

the writing was good and flowed nicely, I really enjoyed your dialogue and added well to the script.

Good job and best of luck.

Thanks to all for the notes. As always, everyone immediately drills down to the fine points of the problems in a script.

I'm going to take the notes and do a rewrite. Without the constraints of the parameters, and with everyone's help, I think I can make this a MUCH better short.

Will share when it's done.

Paul