A Happy Place by Bernard Antoine Mersier - Short, Drama - While sitting in the park enjoying the spring weather, an addict rejoices that he's been clean for eight years, but deep down he believes the drugs are playing tricks on his mind. 3 pages

Production

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hmmm. Some true thoughts here.

first... the story is predictable.
Next... on a positive note the writing was surreal.
Finally... why is there more V.O. after the suicide. That should be the end. Silence.

On one more positive note. This could be the opening to a full length feature and then we go back in time to see how this dude got where he is in life.

I agree with spencerforhire on some things, in that I wasn't surprised by anything, but I do like the way it was written.  However, I like the continued VO after the bang.  For me it adds sort of an after-life-tie-up.

The dual lens is the potential to take this from predictable to not; “every story ever told can be broken down into three distinct parts: the beginning, the middle … and the twist.”

Jack Black: Goosebumps.

Which brings me to the quote of you quoting yourself. Not necessary IMO. If you wrote it and didn’t quote anyone, then it’s assumed you wrote it.

The surreal twist could be something like: we see blackness through one lens after the gunshot, vis-ŕ-vis death, and through the other lens, continue to see the park (not heaven, but not hell... purgatory?), and on top of that split camera scene is your voice over:

JUSTIN (V.O.)
You simply move on to your happy place… etc.

Just thinking out loud. Best of luck.