Imaginary Friend by Frank B. Hansen - Short, Drama - Emotional scars bleed when parents believe their five-year-old daughter's imaginary friend is her dead sister. 10 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

That was quick. Thanks for posting, Don.

Frank

I liked this, Frank.

One hiccup for me though - if it was her sister - why would Chloe refer to her as her friend?

Nice work

Thanks for the feedback, Dave.

Good point.

My thought was that Chloe didn't want her parents to know (who her friend was), kind of like a thing between sisters only, Chloe and Abigail, that way I didn't have to expose Abigail as her friend.

I sleep on it, see if I make some changes.

Thanks,
Frank

Quoted from FrankH Thanks for the feedback, Dave. Good point. My thought was that Chloe didn't want her parents to know (who her friend was), kind of like a thing between sisters only, Chloe and Abigail, that way I didn't have to expose Abigail as her friend. I sleep on it, see if I make some changes. Thanks, Frank

My pleasure

Absorbing and heartfelt little story here Frank - enjoyed it.

Noticed a little part where it reads Micheal is sawing logs in the master bedroom - That might be how you want it, but I'm not sure. Think it just needs moving to the exterior bit.

Overall though, nice and easy to follow.

By the end I wasn't entirely sure whether Abigail was an actual ghost or not, but perhaps that ambiguity is the stories draw.

I was wondering whether something sinister was at play, but I guess at the end of the day that kinda of thing has been told many times - and would likely make your script a lot longer. But I do love a bit of evil. :)

Good work though!

Thanks, Colin for your feedback.

"Sawing logs" = sleeping/snoring, so the scene is still taking place inside (bedroom).

SPOILER STUFF:
Nothing sinister going on.
Abigail is a spirit/ghost.

You've chimed in on a couple of my shorts of mine. Do you have anything you'd like feedback on?

thanks again.

Frank

Ah, gotta ya - just wasn't familiar with that saying for snoring. My bag.

Sure - Your feedback would be much appreciated when I actually find the balls to post one my scripts.

Cheers

Don,

Thanks for posting the revised draft, but it needs to be moved to SHORT DRAMA.
I'll email you.

Thanks,
Frank

Moved it for you, Frank.

Thanks LC.

Looking forward to reading this Frank. Will do it this week.

Thanks Robert, looking forward to your feedback.

Here's kcanford's review (she read my script initially posted to the wrong thread/link). Don fixed everything.

""A little confusion to start out:  the heading states written by Simon Parker, however the script states written by Frank Hansen -?  Don?  Whomever the writer was, is apparently versed in professional writing. Very compelling story, very well written. I like this one a lot. Can’t classify it as “horror” but definitely a formidable ghost story. Good job writer (whoever you are!)""

Hi Frank,

Thanks for checking out my script, “The Tenants,” and providing really useful feedback. Your feedback is below.

Format

Your script adheres commendably to standard screenplay format, with descriptions that are concise and visually oriented. Some of my notes below regarding format are individual preference.

Scene Structure and Formatting Adjustments

Page 1 - New Scene for Kitchen

Revision: After Michael leaves Zoe’s room, a clear transition to a new scene in the kitchen where Holly is would enhance the visualisation of the location and mood shift.

Page 1 - Dialogue Continuation for Holly

Note: I understand your viewpoint on ‘continued’ dialogue parts that you had mentioned previously but was just something I noted when I read the script initially. I would have marked Holly's second line of dialogue as “Holly (cont’d)” indicating a continuation from the same scene.


New Scene Heading for Upstairs Hallway

Revision: Introducing a new scene heading for the upstairs hallway where Michael hears Zoe’s mumbles and giggles will ensure clarity in scene transitions.

Page 2 - Description of Light in Zoe’s Room

Revision: Refining the phrase “illuminates Zoe sound asleep” to “illuminating Zoe sound asleep,” can enhance the visual flow and imagery.



Strong Visual Imagery


Your script contains evocative descriptions that create vivid and tender images. The moments like “mumbles and giggles seep through the cracked open door,” Zoe in the water, and the recurring motif of holding hands are particularly striking.



Characters


Zoe, Michael, and Holly are well-crafted characters, each portraying a unique aspect of coping with loss. Abigail’s presence, though not physically in the script, is strongly felt and drives the narrative effectively.

Plot and Structure

Your premise is intriguing, focusing on Zoe’s coping mechanism with her sister Abigail’s death. The conflict is emotionally rich, and the pacing balances quieter scenes with moments of heightened tension seamlessly. The resolution brings a poignant and hopeful closure to Zoe’s journey.

Dialogue

The dialogue is age-appropriate and natural, especially Zoe’s, capturing her childlike innocence and perception well. The dialogue of Zoe's parents effectively conveys their multifaceted emotions.


Themes and Symbolism

Themes of grief, coping, childhood innocence, and healing are explored with depth and sensitivity. Additionally, there is an element of magical realism, particularly in Zoe’s interactions with her imaginary friend, blending the real and the surreal to explore complex emotional themes.

Areas for Improvement

Introducing more backstory or scenes highlighting family dynamics before Abigail’s death could provide a deeper context and character depth.



Overall Impression


“Imaginary Friend” is a touching, well-structured short screenplay with a clear narrative arc. It handles a sensitive subject with care and from an engaging perspective. The emotional journey of the characters, particularly Zoe, is engaging and heartrending.


Recommendation for Filming on an Indie Budget

Considering the intimate setting and focused character-driven narrative, this screenplay seems very feasible for filming on an indie budget. The locations are limited and manageable, and the emphasis is more on the strength of the performances and the emotional depth of the story rather than on expensive visual effects or large-scale sets. With a dedicated cast and crew, “Imaginary Friend” could be a powerful and compelling indie film.


It was a privilege to read and provide coverage on your screenplay. “Imaginary Friend” has great potential, and I look forward to hopefully seeing it come to life on screen one day.

Hey Robert,

Some really good notes.

I agree with you regarding transitions on the first couple of pages. Good points. Makes it flow better.

I wanted to keep the scripts short, but a little bit more character meat, backstory, to flesh out the
characters a bit more with more depth, is certainly something I'll consider.

regarding filming. I actually teamed up with a friend (he's connected with the film department of a local college)
for the Doritos contest commercial/ad for Superbowl back in the days. I wrote, he directed. Got a college instructor to help with filming. Didn't win the million, but I enjoyed the ride. I'll see what the interest is.

Thanks again for your review.
Frank