Valerie's Killer - Print Topic

The first ten pages contain five scenes that say a lot but, taken together, amount to nothing.

Suggested rewrite:

Introduce Valerie at an exclusive upscale watering hole in a posh hotel. It's an off night, with a few couples in the background and maybe a solitary figure in the shadows served a drink by a leggy waitress. Valerie exchanges suggestive banter with Cole, the bartender. There's history here. She knocks back glass and then moves off past incoming security staffer Fred. As she passes him, he takes appreciative glances at the smooth backs of her toned legs. Fred shares his thoughts with Cole at the bar; his words add a sense of foreboding to the atmosphere as Valerie's svelte frame leaves the scene. On page eleven, we learn of Valerie's death, and through subsequent investigative actions, we learn her backstory.

Three things to consider: there should be no references to prostitution in the first ten pages; we come to understand that later. Second, a high-end prostitute would never sit directly in front of a bartender, preferring the remote end of the bar to "appear" available to potential "clients." Positioning her this way gives her an undercurrent of vulnerability. Third, Fred is a hotel staffer; his drinks would be provided free of charge: beer is indicative of the working class, I suggest Macallan neat.