The Good Samaritan by Ronald Nengere - Short, Thriller - A good man's life takes a dramatic turn when he steals from a woman he was trying to help. 10 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey, Ronald? You around on the boards? Wanna make sure my words aren't falling on deaf ears before I read and review this script.

Hi Zack. Yes, I'm around

Hey Ronald,

I did enjoy the story, pretty cool, with a good twist. Good title too.

I felt Dialogue improved when Ray met Detective Grant. Some good exchanges.

Action needs more tightning and show the reader what's going on, don't tell. (Ex: when Ray opens the trunk. P4:. "He opens the trunk, stares at a body riddled with bullets). That's all you need to show, before he gets the spade ... Just an example how I would stream line and make it more visual.

SPOILERS:
So Ray just decided to become a criminal when he spotted the money?  It's hard to create a lot of back stories in short scripts, but I wonder if showing Ray biking by a few cars, peeking in, before he got to Liz would give us a little bit more insight into what Ray was up to.

Some nit-picks and thoughts:
P1: Don't repeat in Action what's in the slug-line (Highway).
P3: Be consistent with slugs (stay with PETROL STATION or SERVICE STATION).
General: In Action, words like, "is, has, does", these tell the reader more than show the reader what's going on.
General: look/goes/walk etc. - these are generic (how does a person walk?).
p5: Missing slugs. Ray carries the body into the woods (might need a new slug). Not sure if you need another slug to indicate Ray stayed overnight (arrested), or just make the Interrogation at "Dusk."
P7: I would use Liz instead of Woman.
General: Some punctuations (".") missing in Dialogue and Action.
P3: "before before"
General: CONT'D not used that much anymore.

Overall, you have a good story with a twist. I did enjoy reading it.

Good luck

Frank

Thank you very much, Frank. This is very helpful