Relentless by L.Chambers & Pia Cook & Gary M. Howell & Marnie Mitchell & Christopher Nash  - Horror - A domestic abuse survivor living off-grid is forced to confront the fears of her past when a camping reunion with her closest friends puts them in the path of a deadly extraterrestrial entity. 90 pages

Production: Pretty much a one location horror/thriller. Low'ish budget, but with some VFX. This script is a collaborative effort by five Simply Scripts members. We started out with eight writers in January 2021 with each writer writing one sequence. In the end, five writers were still onboard and helped see the project to the end. This is a third draft. Coverage: Two Considers - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Thanks Don!

Yep, here it is. Took awhile, but I'm proud to be part of this since I think it really has shaped up into something great.  8)

Big thanks to Pia who conceived this project, kept us all on track and never gave up!
And to all the writers who added their words, ideas, and inspiration.


Relentless is The Descent meets Metalhead (Black mirror) meets Predator.
If you're a fan of any of these movies you'll hopefully enjoy this.
And give us feedback!

Through the first 40.

Digging it.

Really an excellent job on handling a multi-character set-up. I felt each of their distinct personalities.

For what it's worth - my observations:

Quoted Text EXT. FRONT DOOR - NIGHT She faces a solitary red door, adorned with a pretty wreath. It stands alone, attached to nothing. Behind her, FOOTSTEPS. She turns, sees the flicker of fire from a handheld torch approaching. Panicked, Darby heaves open the door and disappears inside.

I got a little confused here – I think maybe because of the header. It’s just a mysterious door in the woods – yes? Not a front door (when I read front door I just assumed to a building). And if it is that – we’re really not changing scenes – we’re still in the woods. Maybe something like:

Then she stops. Stares straight at a --

SOLITARY RED DOOR

Adorned with a pretty wreath.  It stands alone, attached to nothing.

Behind her, FOOTSTEPS. She turns, sees the flicker of fire from a handheld torch approaching.

Panicked, Darby heaves open the door and disappears inside.

Quoted Text EXT. WOODS - NIGHT ETHAN (32), a faceless figure in the dark night, smashes a foot against the door. Again and again. The wreath falls.

Not clear to me if Ethan is at the RED DOOR or the exterior door to the airstream. If it is the airstream. Maybe the header should be EXT. AIRSTREAM/DOOR - night

Quoted Text Her swimsuit reveals a nasty BURN SCAR spread across her chest and some of her right arm. Years old.

Her swimsuit reveals? I’d just say – nasty burn scars on her torso and arm.

INT. 4RUNNER - DAY

Darby!

WOMAN’S VOICE (O.S.)

Darby jolts awake. She blinks hard. Disoriented.

Quoted Text You need more info in the above header. Are we in the woods, parking lot – I’ve lost my bearing location wise.

Quoted Text EXT. 4RUNNER - DAY Airstream in tow, the 4Runner travels down a long, two-lane road that cuts through a dense forest. INT. 4RUNNER - DAY

I’d just combine the two headers

INT/EXT. 4RUNNER – FOREST ROAD (TRAVELING) - DAY

Quoted Text And in a pool of blood, Adrienne’s mutilated fingers. MEG Oh fuck. Adrienne... Unfazed, Shannon scoops up the fingers and pockets them.

I think this and the line that follows is way underplayed. They just found her severed fingers – their reaction is more akin to finding a phone or something. This should be a screaming WTF moment – it’s too nonchalant.

Quoted Text SHANNON She’s gonna want these when we find her. C’mon.

More to come - very nice job so far.

Okay - done

Quoted Text DARBY Meg! The 4Runner moves fast. Darby sprints after it. She pulls at the passenger side door. Locked.

This visual was a little tough/unbelievable to me. The 4runner already tore away at top speed (it moves fast) – But Darby can catch it and look through the window? I couldn’t visualize how this was possible.

Quoted Text EXT. WOODS - 4RUNNER - NIGHT One of the tires sinks into a patch of soft dirt, allowing Darby to catch up on the driver’s side.

But she already caught up in the scene before – they were staring at each other face to face. I think you need to change this to all of Darcy and Megs interactions happening after the tires sink into the dirt.

Quoted Text SHANNON We know the 4Runner can start, but the camper hitch is destroyed. Our only chance is getting to them.

I’m a bit lost as to why they just can’t take the 4-runner and leave the camper. I know Adrienne is weakened – but it’s her fingers – not her legs.

Quoted Text EXT. CAMPSITE - NIGHT The four trudge toward the 4Runner, Darby supporting Tress, Meg supporting Adrienne. Behind them, the Airstream continues to flash, but the Stalker’s screams have stopped. TRESS You think you can get the 4Runner started?

Isn’t the 4runner stuck in mud?

Quoted Text DARBY I thought it was him. I really did. Sending something to kill me, somehow. But he was just another voice this fucking thing picked up. ADRIENNE Alien...Terminator.

Too many times with the Alien-Terminator line. It’s getting over done.

Quoted Text A second leg. The Stalker pulls itself out of the water and up onto the board. DARBY So much for plan B.

Not crazy about his line – too nonchalant for the situation.

Okay - overall - really good job, IMO - Couple of macro thoughts.

You had this great mysterious red door in the beginning - then we never hear of it again. I would either use it as a plot point somewhere or nuke it.

Not crazy about the ending - too abrupt.

I would add a plot point to close the Ethan loop ... Have Ethan he a cop or something that gives him access to a radio - somehow he is contacted (maybe one fo the girls contact him over Darby's protest - whatever - get him to the scene at the end and have the Stalker kill him just before Darcy takes care of the Stalker - maybe even add some tension that she could save Ethan but doesn't.

Not sure you need the baby angle.

I would have liked a little more time between the point where the girls show up at the site and the danger begins - like there ought to have been a campfire sit around sharing stories about what they've been up tp - maybe a foreshadowing of danger but no violence yet - it just came a bit too quick. Hope that makes sense.

Nice job on this - it was a quick read and you have a great villian.

Thank you, Dave, for the solid feedback!!

I'm going to wait for others (writers) to chime in on a lot of the individual relevant points you've made, so it's not just me.
Suffice to say I agree on pretty much every point you made, especially the need for more pace, rhythm and setup before the major inciting incident leads to the girls wanting to flee the campsite.

We debated long and hard and had/have a few different setups, including a slower burn, but went with this draft for now.

Re Ethan and his potential demise, I'll personally say I wanted him to cop it. We discussed this as well but the choices made here (for now) were primarily to do with keeping this low budget and to a limited cast, SFX etc.

There's definitely more already written that we could mine.

Very happy you enjoyed a lot of it.

Quoted from LC Thank you, Dave, for the solid feedback!! I'm going to wait for others (writers) to chime in on a lot of the individual relevant points you've made, so it's not just me. Suffice to say I agree on pretty much every point you made, especially the need for more pace, rhythm and setup before the major inciting incident leads to the girls wanting to flee the campsite. We debated long and hard and had/have a few different setups, including a slower burn, but went with this draft for now. Re Ethan and his potential demise, I'll personally say I wanted him to cop it. We discussed this as well but the choices made here (for now) were primarily to do with keeping this low budget and to a limited cast, SFX etc. There's definitely more already written that we could mine. Very happy you enjoyed a lot of it.

My pleasure - I do think you have something here.

Dave, thanks for the notes.  Agree with a lot of what you have said.  I feel like there's still a couple of more rewrites left in this thing and these type of notes are very helpful in that regard.

Gary

Quoted from Gary in Houston Dave, thanks for the notes.  Agree with a lot of what you have said.  I feel like there's still a couple of more rewrites left in this thing and these type of notes are very helpful in that regard. Gary

Gald I could help

Just read through your comments Dave. Thanks! There are always things to be tweaked aren't there? :D  I agree some things like a couple of slug lines need to be changed and it would clear some things up. I had no problem myself with the red door, but you have a good point in that maybe it needs to show up again or something for it not to seem random?

The thing about Ethan has probably a lot to do with me. I insisted on us not showing him or play a real part so that we could still call this an all female cast.

What has been hard working with so many writers is that we're all so different. Every time one of us rewrites it, whether partial or entire script, it changes to that person's liking. Naturally, the next writer puts his/her take on it. It also becomes easy to miss a few things because I think we've all read it numerous times by now, so we probably don't go over it with as close of an eye on the details. Like Gary said, we will do a few more rewrites, but I think there will be smaller and smaller changes each time. It's already COMPLETELY different than our first draft.

Thanks again, Dave.  :)

Quoted from Grandma Bear Just read through your comments Dave. Thanks! There are always things to be tweaked aren't there? :D  I agree some things like a couple of slug lines need to be changed and it would clear some things up. I had no problem myself with the red door, but you have a good point in that maybe it needs to show up again or something for it not to seem random? The thing about Ethan has probably a lot to do with me. I insisted on us not showing him or play a real part so that we could still call this an all female cast. What has been hard working with so many writers is that we're all so different. Every time one of us rewrites it, whether partial or entire script, it changes to that person's liking. Naturally, the next writer puts his/her take on it. It also becomes easy to miss a few things because I think we've all read it numerous times by now, so we probably don't go over it with as close of an eye on the details. Like Gary said, we will do a few more rewrites, but I think there will be smaller and smaller changes each time. It's already COMPLETELY different than our first draft. Thanks again, Dave.  :)

My pleasure.

I think you guys are really close on this one and I thnk it is a real marketable concept.  Got a THE BIG CHILL meets PREDATOR to it.

A thought I forgot to mention, I would be real tempted to make one of the ladies (probably Tress) a medical expert (Doctor/Nurse) is I think it is ripe for some immediate medical attention ala Adrienne's condition.

On the door - I loved it in the beginning - thought it was a great device - but alas, not sure if it is warranted given that it is abanondend. For example, if it was a door that lead to the mast and the future that Darby knew about and that they had to get to it to escape the Stalker - okay. But just by itself - I don't know. I know as a reader that I was constantly waiting for it to come back somehow - so tne single mention of it kind of ultimately served as a distraction.

Also though it would be nice to be specific about the girls get together - e.g. they were best friends way back and promised that they would never go more than 10 years (or whatever) without a reunion. (Note: it was also an idea for an alternate title for me -  REUNION).

Anyway - a remarkable job by you guys blending your voices on a single project. You all should be very proud of the product.

Quoted from eldave1 My pleasure. I think you guys are really close on this one and I thnk it is a real marketable concept.  Got a THE BIG CHILL meets PREDATOR to it. A thought I forgot to mention, I would be real tempted to make one of the ladies (probably Tress) a medical expert (Doctor/Nurse) is I think it is ripe for some immediate medical attention ala Adrienne's condition. On the door - I loved it in the beginning - thought it was a great device - but alas, not sure if it is warranted given that it is abanondend. For example, if it was a door that lead to the mast and the future that Darby knew about and that they had to get to it to escape the Stalker - okay. But just by itself - I don't know. I know as a reader that I was constantly waiting for it to come back somehow - so tne single mention of it kind of ultimately served as a distraction. Also though it would be nice to be specific about the girls get together - e.g. they were best friends way back and promised that they would never go more than 10 years (or whatever) without a reunion. (Note: it was also an idea for an alternate title for me -  REUNION). Anyway - a remarkable job by you guys blending your voices on a single project. You all should be very proud of the product.

Dave, interestingly we had Tress married to a doctor in our early character bios. We had her happy to be a mother and homemaker, but maybe she picked up a lot of knowledge or abandoned her own medical career to be a Mom.

Re the door - this was actually Marnie's inspired work. I never thought of it coming back at some point and thought it pretty self-contained symbolism. I'm still not convinced it needs a top n tail.
A door opening to the past and future is nifty though, as is a door of choices/opportunities, but I might be delving too deep now.  :D

How it came to be is that we were discussing the much used (and not liked by some) trope of opening scenes in films with 'woman running and being pursued in the woods'.

To me the door worked to break up that trope, added a WTH moment of unpredictability, and added a Lynchian bit of surrealism and symbolism.

I think your suggestion of taking out 'front door' in relation to the door slug is spot on.

Re the title: Reunion. Would just need something as a prefix imh. Dark Reunion, maybe? Hmm, not quite.
Relentless works on two fronts for me - Ethan stalking Darby and now this outerworldly malevolent force. I think I can say for all of us that we remain open to title suggestions though.

Quoted from LC Dave, interestingly we had Tress married to a doctor in our early character bios. We had her happy to be a mother and homemaker, but maybe she picked up a lot of knowledge or abandoned her own medical career to be a Mom. Re the door - this was actually Marnie's inspired work. I never thought of it coming back at some point and thought it pretty self-contained symbolism. I'm still not convinced it needs a top n tail. A door opening to the past and future is nifty though, as is a door of choices/opportunities, but I might be delving too deep now.  :D How it came to be is that we were discussing the much used (and not liked by some) trope of opening scenes in films with 'woman running and being pursued in the woods'. To me the door worked to break up that trope, added a WTH moment of unpredictability, and added a Lynchian bit of surrealism and symbolism. I think your suggestion of taking out 'front door' in relation to the door slug is spot on. Re the title: Reunion. Would just need something as a prefix imh. Dark Reunion, maybe? Hmm, not quite.

All food for thought. PS - re: the title - I think you have a real good one as is - it was just an alternate suggestion and I like your modifier (Dark)....

Hmm, you guys seem pretty set on were you are with this, so most of this are just general comments and meaningless thoughts.

Just my humble opinion, etc. I am not a professional screenwriter. Use whatever comments or suggestions you happen to find useful, throw the rest away without a second thought.

I have to say you pulled me in. As I'm reading I was thinking - at first - "Oh, here we go. an opening dream sequence." But  it's well suited in this situation. It reads quite good. Nice pace and tempo to it as it unfolds, quite exciting. You conjure real torture for Darby - horror relies more on mood an atmosphere than dialogue. So kudos.  

But what I really liked about the opening, it gave us a peek into Darby’s psyche, which gave her character arc throughout.

The red door;  Look at it this way - I believe in doing your best to give the reader the experience you want the audience to have. Therefore, if you want the dream to look a little unreal in the movie, you might want to find a way to put that into your description, and that red door helps.

Whilst the script's paced well, believable and well written, you’ve got sorta like an ensemble piece here which is never easy...imbuing enough character in the players for me to care. I've rarely ever watched an ensemble piece where I gave a damn about anyone, because no-one ever seems sufficiently fleshed out.  Good job I thought overall, especially with Darby. Personally I didn't care much for Adrienne initially -

Quoted Text MEG I can’t believe I used to have a crush on her.

Me neither.

Quoted Text SHANNON It’s this, or sit and watch Adrienne die.

I'm like - "Let her." Sorry.

Trivial as some of my reasons maybe. So, I did take that in to account. I eventually came around towards the end.

When the girls first get together while the set up was good,  It didn't feel potentially scary for me at this point. Sure, the Lenticular Clouds, the owl crashing at Shannon's feet, the high pitched sounds and all, but them packing up to leave cos of that - I just don't think it was  enough to justify them wanting to go at this juncture. I suspect it was to get the ball rolling faster. Minor quibble.

Quoted Text Adrienne slumps back, her face pale. ADRIENNE Okay...I’m just going to nap here. MEG No. Adrienne, stay awake. (to Darby) How are you gonna get the gas? You’ll be a sitting duck out there.

Why would Adrienne say this?

Maybe just have her struggling to remain conscious, then cut to Meg's line instead. Just a thought. Unless Adrienne is delirious at this point. Then OK. I can see her saying it.

The third act was good for the most part, but it got to a point where it was driving me bananas. I ran outside and had a primal scream -- feel much better now. :)  

I mean things just sorta got a bit silly.  Bottom of pg 66, the exchange between Meg&Adrienne about the lucky number forty-three is good. Definitely keep that, but this on pg 73...

Code GROUND Meg winds up for another throw. MEG Can’t hurt me! I’m lucky fortythree. Meg throws the beer. This one hits hard. Soaking the Stalker in beer.

I get it, but it comes off as a little bit too silly. Sorry. Also a waste of good beer. :)

The dialogue was good - some nice quips but some not so much.

Quoted Text TRESS Fry, you son of a bitch.

Quoted Text MEG That’s right! Fucking BURN you piece of shit!

Quoted Text ADRIENNE No! No no no. Don’t die on me.

There is a coupla others' - I dunno - if anything, one or two are disposable methinks.

Oh oh - I do think it’s more effective that we don’t really get to see Ethan at all.

On a somber note: Adrienne's sacrifice there at the end, I luv it, I do, but it is almost as if you are missing that special... something... can't put a finger on it. Maybe being a bit more methodically early on would have made it more impactful than it currently is, at least for me.

That's as far as I go, critique-wise. I do like it. It's evident that you ladies&gents have  poured your heart and soul into this. Thought the extraterrestrial angle was very cool...different spin.  Concept is what? Like 90% of it.

Anywaz, I know nothing. G'luck with this. :)

Thank you for taking the time to read and leave such thoughtful feedback Dave and Ghost!  It will definitely help with the next rewrite!!

Quoted from mmmarnie Thank you for taking the time to read and leave such thoughtful feedback Dave and Ghost!  It will definitely help with the next rewrite!!

My pleasure.  

Yeah, thanks so much Dave. I didn't want to add more responses for fear of too many writers piling on, but suffice to say I agree with a lot of your feedback and I really appreciate how much thought you put into it! I feel confident you'll see some of your thoughts reflected in the next pass.

Ghost! Thanks for reviewing!

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal Hmm, you guys seem pretty set on were you are with this, so most of this are just general comments and meaningless thoughts.

I think there's lots of writing to go! Rest assured your comments will be very helpful, thank you :)

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal Personally I didn't care much for Adrienne initially

My impression is that Adrienne is a character that kinda surprised all of us. In my mind she started as a pretty disposable horror character and then the initial work that people did in the first few pages really started to build her into something interesting. Definitely worth noting that she might still be a bit grating at the start though -- and happy to hear you came around on her a bit in the end. But it's definitely food for thought on whether she might be a bit too offputting initially...

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal Maybe just have her struggling to remain conscious, then cut to Meg's line instead. Just a thought. Unless Adrienne is delirious at this point. Then OK. I can see her saying it.

Yeah I see where you're coming from for sure. I think Adrienne is sorta in and out of delirium in the script, but this is probably something we should be attentive to in the next pass and make sure that it all makes sense. Point taken that if she's feeling delirious, we have to make sure the reader knows it!

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal The third act was good for the most part, but it got to a point where it was driving me bananas. I ran outside and had a primal scream -- feel much better now.   I mean things just sorta got a bit silly.

I definitely think tone is something we'll have to continue to work on here. I think we want things to have a sense of fun but if the feeling is "silly" then we've probably gone too far...good to know and maybe we can pull some of this back!

(P.S. I'm the guilty one here, I tend to push things in a silly direction)

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal Sorry. Also a waste of good beer.

True. Unforgivable.

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal The dialogue was good - some nice quips but some not so much.

Good to get your take on which ones don't work -- thank you! Quips/one liners are so hard to pull off. I'm always haunted by the final one liner of I, Robot, where Will Smith faces off against the big bad, prepares the death blow, and says, "You have SO got to die." $120 million movie and that's the final one liner they came up with! Anyway, haha.

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal Oh oh - I do think it’s more effective that we don’t really get to see Ethan at all.

That's good to know! As mentioned in previous comments, we've kinda gone back and forth on Ethan and how to use him and how much and so on, so good to hear that it worked for you in this form.

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal On a somber note: Adrienne's sacrifice there at the end, I luv it, I do, but it is almost as if you are missing that special... something... can't put a finger on it. Maybe being a bit more methodically early on would have made it more impactful than it currently is, at least for me.

I think you're right -- I think the beat makes sense but I don't think the stakes are really there for the sacrifice yet. Usually with this kind of beat, say in Terminator 2 or whatever, there's a pretty significant story payoff for the sacrifice, and I don't think we have that here yet. We'll have to discuss!

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal Anywaz, I know nothing. G'luck with this.

Too humble -- thanks for all the helpful comments! And really glad it seems you enjoyed for the most part. Very exciting to be hearing some outside perspectives on this finally :)

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal Personally I didn't care much for Adrienne initially -

We wanted her to be an unlikable character and in our first draft we overdid it some. We all hated her. :D Then we decided we needed to get her something noble to do before she dies. She initially was the first one to go.

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal When the girls first get together while the set up was good,  It didn't feel potentially scary for me at this point. Sure, the Lenticular Clouds, the owl crashing at Shannon's feet, the high pitched sounds and all, but them packing up to leave cos of that - I just don't think it was  enough to justify them wanting to go at this juncture. I suspect it was to get the ball rolling faster. Minor quibble.

I had somewhat a similar feeling, but I think that could be an easy fix.

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal The third act was good for the most part, but it got to a point where it was driving me bananas. I ran outside and had a primal scream -- feel much better now. :)  I mean things just sorta got a bit silly.

That's NOT good! ;D

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal Oh oh - I do think it’s more effective that we don’t really get to see Ethan at all.

I agree.

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal On a somber note: Adrienne's sacrifice there at the end, I luv it, I do, but it is almost as if you are missing that special... something... can't put a finger on it. Maybe being a bit more methodically early on would have made it more impactful than it currently is, at least for me.

Got to look into that!

Thanks for the read and comments. Now we have some more stuff we can argue about!!!  :D

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal ...  On a somber note: Adrienne's sacrifice there at the end, I luv it, I do, but it is almost as if you are missing that special... something... can't put a finger on it. Maybe being a bit more methodically early on would have made it more impactful than it currently is, at least for me. ...

That special something is in one of the previous drafts which I think we need to go back to.

In this draft we pretty much know what's going to happen

Darby stares at her last living friend, tears in her eyes.
Then she places a jumper cable in Adrienne’s open palm.

DARBY
I’ll try to take it with me. But if it finds you...

Adrienne shakes her head. Forget about it. She knows.

This visual below should come as shocking, with no forecasting, with the audience having no clue, jmho.

INT. AIRSTREAM - DAWN

Adrienne’s on the floor, propped against a wall, surrounded by a propane tank, a large jug filled with flammable liquids, and a battery. A dual wire runs a few inches, then splits in two. One half goes into the liquid, the other to the opening of the tank. A jumper cable is attached to the battery. Adrienne holds the other end of the cable.

Just want to add that Darby placing the cable in her friend's hand also takes away from it being Adrienne's decision and sacrifice.

Up late.

Quoted Text Thank you for taking the time to read and leave such thoughtful feedback Dave and Ghost!  It will definitely help with the next rewrite!

Quoted Text thanks for all the helpful comments! And really glad it seems you enjoyed for the most part. Very exciting to be hearing some outside perspectives on this finally

Quoted Text Thanks for the read and comments. Now we have some more stuff we can argue about!!!

As Dave would put it - my pleasure.

Quoted Text INT. AIRSTREAM - DAWN Adrienne’s on the floor, propped against a wall, surrounded by a propane tank, a large jug filled with flammable liquids, and a battery. A dual wire runs a few inches, then splits in two. One half goes into the liquid, the other to the opening of the tank. A jumper cable is attached to the battery. Adrienne holds the other end of the cable. I just want to add that Darby placing the cable in her friend's hand also takes away from it being Adrienne's decision and sacrifice.

Holy Batman! That's it! Coz it didn't come as a surprise to me.  You know, I read that scene a few times, and the answer was staring me in the face - and I didn't see it. I need some freakin' glasses. This is also where I had a change of heart about Adrienne.

Heck, Libby, you guys had the answer the whole time. It's my favorite scene from the script. :)

Hi guys. Well done on a good fast reading script. It had nice pacing and some cool action. Dave has pretty well covered all the things that could be improved but I’ll throw in a couple of bob’s worth too.

The Ethan thing did nothing for me. It took me outta the read when Darcy kept bringing him up. Just have him mentioned at the start then piss him off lol. She can still be getting over him but not obsessing about him stalking her.  

The Stalker is a cool bad dude but I feel it needs to downright nasty from the getgo. It’s modelled on Predator/ Terminator but seems almost playful at the start, examine the tech etc( I kept picturing the robot from Futurama for some reason lol).  Make it an evil bastard so the deaths aren’t just sort of thrown in for thrills as they are now.  I’d try and think of a unique power of the Stalker as opposed to the Predator type HUD - we know it’s a hunter-alien just needs its own identity.

Lastly, as someone mentioned, the 4 women aren’t the most likeable. I didn’t really give a rat’s arse when they died or were maimed. Darby was ok I guess. They all seemed a bit whiny lol.  Make us feel for them as they fight for their lives and it lifts the stakes.

But overall it’s a nice little script and kudos to you  :)

Ps - maybe add sharks and a zombie to it ;D ::)

Thanks for the read and thoughts Stevie!

Sharks and zombies, always marketable.

SPOILERS

I think Darby's fixation on Ethan does make sense as he's the entire reason she's out here and has set up her life this way -- which is ultimately what she needs to overcome/change in the story. That said, it's definitely a good reminder here that a little can go a long way. Something to take a look at in the next pass.

The concept of the Stalker, which may not be coming through clearly, is that it is not initially (or ever?) evil. It's not playful, exactly, but it is inquisitive and is on an information-gathering mission. When it comes into contact with the women, Darby's fixation on Ethan and her fearful response to his voice leads her to shoot it with the flare, which along with Adrienne shooting the gun earlier becomes the defining moment in teaching the Stalker to view the women as threats who are better off dead. Or that's the idea, anyway!

The whiny characters thing -- good to know. This is always a tricky balance in slasher-y scripts so we should take a look as we rewrite.

Thanks again, really appreciate all the thoughts!

No prob, H!  Looking back, my review might’ve come over a tad harsh - which I didn’t mean it to be - as it’s a well crafted script.  It just needs a little tinkering. But I understand it was written specifically for Pia to film it so it took a certain route to make it easier. All the best to you guys!!

Quoted from stevie ...  I understand it was written specifically for Pia to film it so it took a certain route to make it easier...

The script was written on Spec.
Pia has never mentioned filming this.

Here's how it was conceived by Pia:

The January 2021 SS Feature Co-Writing Challenge

Calling for interested participants to collaborate on writing a feature length screenplay.

This is not a game but rather a serious and genuine project.
Absolutely No Pisstakes. Writers must be dedicated to contributing their best creative efforts.


The Goal

A feature length script that is good enough to pitch, promote, sell, and get produced.


The Planning Stages:

Aiming for approx 100 pages.
This will be broken up into each writer contributing 2 x 5 page blocks. See, not hard. You all know how to write a 5 pager.

The 2 × 5 formula is proposed based on the fact some writers find it difficult to collaborate. The proposed contribution is not as stressful or burdensome as writing a feature normally is, since the participants (depending on how many we get,) will only need to write two or so very short segments and put the rest of their creative energy into creating and planning, giving feedback, editing, etc.

The purpose of writing the script was experimental in one way - to write a screenplay using may voices and ideas in a collaborative effort using the sequence method.

More here:

https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1609890746/

And, we did it!

Quoted from stevie Looking back, my review might’ve come over a tad harsh

I didn't think so, for what it's worth -- thanks again for taking the time!

Shamelessly bumping this.

A shout out to all you guys and girls who followed our experimental effort all the way here. Big thanks to Pia, btw.
We will be writing another draft and we value your feedback.

Hey Writers,

Horror is not quite my cup of tea, but found the Logline interesting and was curious how the script would
turn out with multiple writers, 5 in all. An easy read (mostly). It was certainly entertaining with the high
tech Predator Stalker. Good piece of work I liked it.

I know Story is the thing, but I threw in some Format Stuff too for good measure. What follows are some of
my thoughts and opinions, some nit-picks too. We all have our different writing styles, so take these notes for
what they're worth.

Interesting opening, but it didn't quite work for me. The Ethan scenes, dream, video and references to him
later in the story, didn't quite work. I can see why you were doing it, but ... A thought, maybe have the girls
sitting around a campfire at night, drinking/talking, getting some backstories with the Stalker lurking around
scoping out his future preys. I know, too much exposure in Dialogue is not always the way to go, but it might work here. This would also create a slower burn, initially.

I felt some distinctive personalities between the different Characters, but at times I didn't feel the urgency
of the Characters.

Page43. If the 4Runner tears away, how can Dary catch up and run alongside it?

Page46: On top of the page, "Shannon sits up.." then "She tries to sit up.." and "Finally she forces herself to
sit up .." Either it's implied that sits/falls down or logic is not correct.

Page77: Adrienne opens the door to the 4Runner (on its side). That takes a lot of strength and with virtually
one hand (I guess she can use her feet) that's tough, maybe too tough. Then again, adrenaline runs high.


ACTION:
In my humble opinion, there are quite a bit of telling and redundancy throughout. Words like
"begin/start/just/then/, well, I call them fillers and words like "is/are/does/has/ tend to tell more than show.
Page26 (ex): "Meg is not liking this at all." -- show me how she's not liking it. Maybe not the best example, but hopefully you get what I mean.

In General, avoid repeating in Action what's already been established in the Scene Heading (ex:
campsite/highway/Airstream).

Not sure if this is important anymore and maybe I'm being too anal about it, but I've seen writers mix Present
Tense (smiles) with Present Progressive (smiling). I stick with Present Tense (mostly).

I'm fine with Capping words for emphasis/sounds (focus), but I came across quite a few, maybe too many, IMO. I feel like too many distract more than add to the story.


MISC:
Page4: Needs Action after Slug (INT. 4RUNNER..), before Dialogue (Darby).

I believe emphasis in Dialogue should be underlined, instead of italics (or maybe this has changed) and rather
than Capping words in Dialogue, I would either indicate that in Action or put that in a parenthetical
(yells/screams)

Page8 and Page12: We're at the same spot (the tents), but Slugs are different.

Page16: "Outside" in Action is redundant, the slug indicates that (EXT. ...) also quite a few Action "into the
night", is also redundant, the Slugs indicate that, "NIGHT".

Oh, another nit pick. This might be a personal preference, but I don't believe you need a Draft date on the
cover page. Include Copyright and contact info.


QUESTIONS:
Curious, what's the meaning of -- (double dashes) in Action? (shift, pause, ??)

Page58, "She zeros in on a piece of Shannon's clothes in the gore. What was that? I missed it. Or did they
know that the piece of clothing belonged to Shannon?


Ok, I'm done. I stop rambling on. Keep in mind what I have scribbled is mostly my own opinions and thoughts.

I enjoyed the script.

Good luck to you all.

Frank

Lots of feedback here! 8)

Been away for a few days, but will get back on this and respond tomorrow. Thank you all. :)

Quoted from FrankH An easy read (mostly).

Could you point out an example? I ask mostly because it's important to us that it reads not just smoothly, but consistently as if it was written by just one person.

Quoted from FrankH Interesting opening, but it didn't quite work for me. The Ethan scenes, dream, video and references to him later in the story, didn't quite work. I can see why you were doing it, but ...

We've gone back and forth on this. Initially, the whole Ethan backstory thing was a lot more subtle, but then it grew and grew. I suppose we have to take a look at that again.

Quoted from FrankH A thought, maybe have the girls sitting around a campfire at night, drinking/talking, getting some backstories with the Stalker lurking around scoping out his future preys. I know, too much exposure in Dialogue is not always the way to go, but it might work here. This would also create a slower burn, initially.

I was very firm about not having a slow burn, lol. I wanted shit to happen very early on. Slow burn films easily get abandoned by viewers with low patience and trigger happy fingers on the remote. I'm one of those myself. ;D However, I know some of the writers involved here prefer a slower burn and deeper characterizations.

As far as the "stalker" goes, it's not really supposed to be a stalker. It's an alien probe sent to this planet for analysis. It turns nasty when Adrienne shoots at it, but it was not sent here to kill. If that makes sense.

Quoted from FrankH I felt some distinctive personalities between the different Characters, but at times I didn't feel the urgency of the Characters. Page43. If the 4Runner tears away, how can Darby catch up and run alongside it?

It's supposed to be in the woods with no real road, so the terrain is bumpy and with a lot of soft sandy patches which keeps it from going "fast".

Quoted from FrankH Page46: On top of the page, "Shannon sits up.." then "She tries to sit up.." and "Finally she forces herself to sit up .." Either it's implied that sits/falls down or logic is not correct.

Thanks for that. That is an easy fix in the next draft.

Quoted from FrankH Page77: Adrienne opens the door to the 4Runner (on its side). That takes a lot of strength and with virtually one hand (I guess she can use her feet) that's tough, maybe too tough. Then again, adrenaline runs high.

I have not thought about that. Should be another easy fix.  :)

Quoted from FrankH ACTION: In my humble opinion, there are quite a bit of telling and redundancy throughout. Words like "begin/start/just/then/, well, I call them fillers and words like "is/are/does/has/ tend to tell more than show. Page26 (ex): "Meg is not liking this at all." -- show me how she's not liking it. Maybe not the best example, but hopefully you get what I mean.

Will look into that. I personally prefer leaner scripts where every word matters, but admit I slip and add extra stuff now and then. Probably because I've been trying to write prose. Failing miserably I should add.

Quoted from FrankH In General, avoid repeating in Action what's already been established in the Scene Heading (ex: campsite/highway/Airstream).

I agree 100%.

Quoted from FrankH I believe emphasis in Dialogue should be underlined, instead of italics (or maybe this has changed) and rather than Capping words in Dialogue, I would either indicate that in Action or put that in a parenthetical (yells/screams)

I think that's a personal choice and not a rule.

Quoted from FrankH Page8 and Page12: We're at the same spot (the tents), but Slugs are different.

Yeah, things like that needs tidying up and are probably best done with one writer going over the entire script and sticking to what they like, so it doesn't appear random or sloppy.

Quoted from FrankH Oh, another nit pick. This might be a personal preference, but I don't believe you need a Draft date on the cover page. Include Copyright and contact info.

I think that's probably more for us writers so we can keep the different versions and drafts separated. It's quite overwhelming with this many writers tinkering with the scripts.

Quoted from FrankH QUESTIONS: Curious, what's the meaning of -- (double dashes) in Action? (shift, pause, ??)

Some people write like that. It's perfectly fine. I personally only use it when shifting from one scene to another.

Quoted from FrankH Page58, "She zeros in on a piece of Shannon's clothes in the gore. What was that? I missed it. Or did they know that the piece of clothing belonged to Shannon?

That I don't know. I would have to look it up or maybe whoever wrote that could explain?

Thank you for reading and offering up suggestions, catches and thoughts. We all appreciate that.  

Pia 8)

Hi Pia,

Regarding easy read (mostly), maybe not the best description.  

A couple of times I stopped, flipped back a few pages to confirm location (easy fix). Re-read "Shannon sits" in case I missed something (easy fix). A few hic-ups, that would be a better description.

Regarding The Alien, I didn't pick up that it was sent to this planet for analysis. With reference to "Stalker" I
thought it was bad to begin with.

Question for you. How do you create a quote when posting reviews? I've tried, can't get it to work.

Thanks,

Frank

Gotcha!

With no extra space before the last bracket it would look like this.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Bla Bla

With the extra space.  :)

[quote=Grandma Bear] Bla Bla [/quote ]

Congrats on you all finishing. It was a fast, easy read.  

I would've liked to see something about the Stalker a little sooner.   Did you ever consider making it see humans from the beginning?   Since humans have electrical signals in the body, maybe it sees those as weak signals unworthy of attention at first?

To foreshadow, maybe they stop at the park entrance to take a group picture and see those strange clouds hover over them. (Darby sneaks and deletes it off the phone later on)Shannon checks her pilot weather app, and it's not showing up on the radar.  

Maybe one of the girls has an artificial heart/bio tech from an accident or disease, and that's how it spots one of them.

Would it add anything if Darby hid that fear/paranoia from her friends until the Stalker hurts Adrienne?   The Stalker causes her fear to come out, and they see  Darby was just putting up a front that everything was okay.   As an example, the girls give Darby a makeover. They do her hair/ bling her out in Chanel etc...  Then they hand her the airline tickets, and she catches on they are trying to change her back to the old her and flips out. Not in a panicky way but more aggressive they need to accept this is her life now.    

What if something happens to a secondary character before the Stalker goes after the girls? Your owl sparked this idea.   An animal researcher walking through the woods looking for missing animals with portable antennas and gear comes in contact with the Stalker.  

The lightning striking the lake seemed a bit too lucky.    What if Darby makes something? Like a bow and arrow. She soaks a bunch of fishing lines, tying one end to the arrows, and the Stalker gets tangled up in the other in the lake.     She shoots the arrows up into the sky, finally attracting the lightning and causing the Stalker to get smoked.    

I thought the ending felt a little rushed. Maybe something like...

The police/ambulances or military surround the carnage. Darby pays final respects to her friends in the body bags. Apologizes to them.  She tells the authorities she doesn't know them. They were campers from a few sites down. (Can't take any chances on her anonymity) Gives the authorities one of her friend's IDs and sneaks off. Darby jumps in the 4-Runner and takes off. She's on the open road. All these emotions as she finds an old picture of her and her friends on the floorboard.   At the last second, we see a "cloud" following her. Showing it's going to be... Relentless.

One last thing I saw. Tress gets killed on page 67  , on page 70  she says, "What's plan A?"

All the best!

Hey Kevin. I just now saw this. Bad of me to not keep better track of things!!!!
I will respond to this tomorrow morning. Sorry I missed it.   :B

Quoted from Grandma Bear Hey Kevin. I just now saw this. Bad of me to not keep better track of things!!!! I will respond to this tomorrow morning. Sorry I missed it.   :B

No worries!  If you're real busy and stuff going on.   Don't worry about it.   :)

Quoted from Kevin_L Congrats on you all finishing. It was a fast, easy read.

Thank you for reading and commenting.  :)

I'm glad it was a fast and easy read for you. That's essential when it comes to getting people to read. If it's a slog, they usually leave, regardless of how great it is later on, if you just stick with it. Readers seldom do.

Quoted from Kevin_L I would've liked to see something about the Stalker a little sooner.   Did you ever consider making it see humans from the beginning?   Since humans have electrical signals in the body, maybe it sees those as weak signals unworthy of attention at first?

First off, we have decided to call it AR as in Alien Robot. Reason being is that it seemed too many readers got confused and assumed it was an alien here to kill people. Our intention with the AR is that it is an alien probe sent here to analyze this planet for some other alien civilization. It doesn't see animals or humans, which by the would be the same thing initially, as something bad out to get it. Just some creatures that live here. Something to analyze, nothing more. It's not until Adrienne shoots it that it needs to be aware of humans and protect itself.

Good thinking there about the electrical signals in the human body!!! Libby and I are currently rewriting two different versions of this script and I think I will definitely try to to make use of that. I can't believe I didn't think of that earlier. 8)

Quoted from Kevin_L To foreshadow, maybe they stop at the park entrance to take a group picture and see those strange clouds hover over them. (Darby sneaks and deletes it off the phone later on)Shannon checks her pilot weather app, and it's not showing up on the radar.

That's another great idea!  

Quoted from Kevin_L Maybe one of the girls has an artificial heart/bio tech from an accident or disease, and that's how it spots one of them.

Not a huge fan of this idea however. To me, there has been so many movies in the last several years where someone has some ailment that has to be handled before that person dies or such that it has sort of become cliche. At least in my book. Usually it's someone who needs insulin though, but still...

Quoted from Kevin_L Would it add anything if Darby hid that fear/paranoia from her friends until the Stalker hurts Adrienne?

We actually had the first draft more along those lines. I might revert to that.

Quoted from Kevin_L The Stalker causes her fear to come out, and they see  Darby was just putting up a front that everything was okay.   As an example, the girls give Darby a makeover. They do her hair/ bling her out in Chanel etc...  Then they hand her the airline tickets, and she catches on they are trying to change her back to the old her and flips out. Not in a panicky way but more aggressive they need to accept this is her life now.

Don't know about that. I don't think we ever saw Darby as being that type of person ever. In fact, none of them were. That's why they are so shocked at what Adrienne has become.  

Quoted from Kevin_L What if something happens to a secondary character before the Stalker goes after the girls? Your owl sparked this idea.   An animal researcher walking through the woods looking for missing animals with portable antennas and gear comes in contact with the Stalker.

Not a bad idea. I had a few requirements for this project when we first started out and some of the biggest ones were, it has to be low budget, read fast and easy, all female cast, one's location, and it has to be intense and scary. Now that last part, I think, was actually the hardest.

Quoted from Kevin_L The lightning striking the lake seemed a bit too lucky.    What if Darby makes something? Like a bow and arrow. She soaks a bunch of fishing lines, tying one end to the arrows, and the Stalker gets tangled up in the other in the lake.     She shoots the arrows up into the sky, finally attracting the lightning and causing the Stalker to get smoked.

Boy, you're just full of great ideas, aren't you! I love it!    

Quoted from Kevin_L I thought the ending felt a little rushed. Maybe something like... The police/ambulances or military surround the carnage. Darby pays final respects to her friends in the body bags. Apologizes to them.  She tells the authorities she doesn't know them. They were campers from a few sites down. (Can't take any chances on her anonymity) Gives the authorities one of her friend's IDs and sneaks off. Darby jumps in the 4-Runner and takes off. She's on the open road. All these emotions as she finds an old picture of her and her friends on the floorboard.   At the last second, we see a "cloud" following her. Showing it's going to be... Relentless.

This has to be low budget, but I totally dig the idea of Darby leaving without a trace, so to speak.

Quoted from Kevin_L One last thing I saw. Tress gets killed on page 67  , on page 70  she says, "What's plan A?"

Good catch! Easy fix.  :)

Quoted from Kevin_L All the best!

Thank you so much for taking your time to read and offering up some really good ideas. We very much appreciate that.  8)

Hi Guys, finally read Relentless, mainly for my own development, because I knew the writing would be top notch, and it is.

So first thing, well done - I cannot image how difficult it is for 5 writers to collaborate on one feature - and to keep the continuity that you have done is impressive - couldn't tell that there were 5 different writers on board..

So, in regards to the your concept - I do believe you have a potential USP here as there are unique elements to your Stalker. And I think the sell mainly lies with the Stalker. If you're going to enhance anything I would concentrate on him (or it). Maybe on its appearance (not sure you actually fully described its look?) or concentrate on its behaviour. I think its a machine and there might be opportunities to extend on its unique behaviour when duelling with the Ladies. The lady characters are great btw.  

A couple of points during my reading experience :-

First couple of pages I gotta little confused as I wasn't familiar with Airstream as an American camper van. Because it was a dream sequence, I thought it was a literal airstream, like a misty, foggy air current. So you could change that to Airstream camper van/caravan, or just leave it on the notion that Colin's a dumbass :)

Later on, you have a number of continuous scenes particular when the action picks up - I personally like continuous in the slug line as opposed to night. I think it gives the narrative more flow. You can always remind us that it is night time in the action.

I think there is an over use of slug lines in the final acts. Particularly with the slug line for inside the Runner. I would get rid of them. Just bold 'inside the runner' in the action. See how it interferes with your narrative flow in the below example -

Excruciatingly slow, Darby pulls Adrienne free from the drill. Blood and bits of bone fly off the rotating probe.
Darby stops pulling, eyes dart up to the roof, sees --
EXT. WOODS - 4RUNNER - NIGHT
The Stalker, still engulfed in flames, leaps on top of the 4Runner. Stares down at Darby.

The exterior slug line completely gets in the way of what Darby sees.

Anyway I really enjoyed the read and learned a lot from it, particularly how well you guys write your action sequences.

Great job so far and I would love for somebody to have some feature success from simply scripts - I think this has a chance. Good luck - cheers.

Colin, thank you for giving this a read, and for your feedback.
Apologies for the delay in responding to you.

So addressing your points:

Quoted from ColinS Hi Guys, finally read Relentless, mainly for my own development, because I knew the writing would be top notch, and it is. So first thing, well done - I cannot image how difficult it is for 5 writers to collaborate on one feature - and to keep the continuity that you have done is impressive - couldn't tell that there were 5 different writers on board..

Thank you! And you're right, it was no easy task putting this together with so many writers, and so many ideas flipping back and forth. It's somewhat of a minor miracle that we pulled it off, but mainly down to Pia who kept us all in line.

Quoted from ColinS So, in regards to the your concept - I do believe you have a potential USP here as there are unique elements to your Stalker. And I think the sell mainly lies with the Stalker. If you're going to enhance anything I would concentrate on him (or it). Maybe on its appearance (not sure you actually fully described its look?) or concentrate on its behaviour. I think its a machine and there might be opportunities to extend on its unique behaviour when duelling with the Ladies. The lady characters are great btw.

You make an excellent point. There's a case imho for it being hidden and only glimpses to a degree (think Alien) especially at first, but I think a little more description, even if just a hulking 'something' looming in the darkness wouldn't go astray.

Quoted from ColinS A couple of points during my reading experience :- First couple of pages I gotta little confused as I wasn't familiar with Airstream as an American camper van. Because it was a dream sequence, I thought it was a literal airstream, like a misty, foggy air current. So you could change that to Airstream camper van/caravan, or just leave it on the notion that Colin's a dumbass :) ?

That's a fair point actually. I wasn't aware of the brand myself in the beginning. Some things become a household name in their country of origin, but are not necessarily wider known to all, so point taken on clarifying that in the slug, or in description to make it clear.

Quoted from ColinS Later on, you have a number of continuous scenes particular when the action picks up - I personally like continuous in the slug line as opposed to night. I think it gives the narrative more flow. You can always remind us that it is night time in the action.

Will definitely take a look at this.

Quoted from ColinS I think there is an over use of slug lines in the final acts. Particularly with the slug line for inside the Runner. I would get rid of them. Just bold 'inside the runner' in the action. See how it interferes with your narrative flow in the below example -

Likewise yes, this does need looking at.

Quoted from ColinS Excruciatingly slow, Darby pulls Adrienne free from the drill. Blood and bits of bone fly off the rotating probe. Darby stops pulling, eyes dart up to the roof, sees -- EXT. WOODS - 4RUNNER - NIGHT The Stalker, still engulfed in flames, leaps on top of the 4Runner. Stares down at Darby.

The exterior slug line completely gets in the way of what Darby sees.[/quote]
I see what you mean. Mini slugs might work better here.

Quoted from ColinS Anyway I really enjoyed the read and learned a lot from it, particularly how well you guys write your action sequences. Great job so far and I would love for somebody to have some feature success from simply scripts - I think this has a chance. Good luck - cheers.

You'd be surprised. Quite a few people on the boards have had Feature success, Pia being one of them.

Thanks again, Colin, very much appreciated!
A new draft will be underway shortly (still lots to work on) and you make some valuable points going forward.

Thanks Libby for your response - Wow at the feature successes!

Thanks for reading and commenting Colin! I read. your response earlier, but we kind of alternate with our responses so to not hog the portal with our Relentless bumping of the script. ;D

My features weren't exactly successes IMO... Chris probably has more and impressive. Including having written and directed his own feature that currently has 10.6M views of YT.

Again, thank you for reading. We are currently in what we hope to be the last rewrite for this script, so your comments are very valuable.  :)

Thanks Pia

Getting people to produce your feature scripts is a staggering success IMO! Appreciate you can't always control what they do with them though.

In regards to Chris - That's just inspirational. Another wow.

Look forward to reading the final draft!

Hey all, congrats on this draft!
I know some have already commented on many of the same things that crossed my mind. So, I’ll just second a few of those quickly:

• I thought you handled the introductions of the characters well. Each felt like their own person. I was never confused about who was who.
  [list]
  
• I  think the red door could just be an action line rather than a slug.
  
• I liked the opening, almost like a mini-puzzle trying to figure out what’s going on, but not so much it takes you out of the story, just engaging one’s attention.
  

SPOILER

I think the only consideration I can offer has to do with Darby and what’s at stake for her. The survival stakes are very apparent to me as the creature stalks and try to kill her and her friends. But what specific to her is at stake? The three things that come to mind for me: are her life (survival), her friend’s life (friendship), and her “way of life” (peace of mind). There’s already so much established for all three. I think you can milk the friendship and “a live/way of life” even more.

1.)     In this draft, everyone dies but Darby, who lives isolated (question on this later). It could be worth exploring what each character has to offer Darby (as quasi-mentors) to give her the tools to return to the “world of the living.” Each one already represents an aspect of life: Shannon and her career, Meg and her love/sex, Tress and her family, and Adrienne (love or hate her, lol) her personal care.  

2.)     At some point, Darby says something to the effect that “she just wants to live.” But what does “to live/living” mean for Darby?

On the one hand, living in the woods seems like a self-imposed prison (is that how she’s choosing to live?), which is why I suggest the friends act as mentors giving her the tools to move on.

However, if living in the woods is her ideal of “living” (totally valid) because it brings peace of mind, one could lean into her bond with the area even more. For example, the inciting incident when Shannon spots the shape in the cloud, a fantastic hint of the threat, and it gets even better when the cloud descends over our girls, but right before then, a flock of birds flees. I love this moment. If in the montage, or perhaps it’s one moment, we see her bird watching as a mark of “living” (peace of mind), then when they fly away, we know how the threat is disrupting her ideal of living/peace of mind. I also think something like this could strengthen the ending which is missing just a little “umpf” of catharsis for me. If she looks up and sees a flock of birds before dozing off it feels full circle, we’ll see visually things may be okay in terms of her peace of mind. She still has work to do because she just lost all her friends.

Although it was difficult for me to imagine, I loved a lot of what y’all came up with in terms of the creature. That moment when Ethan’s voice comes over the radio was chilling and deserving of a freakout. I don’t know how well it would work but in theory, at least in my mind, it would help to lean into that even more because if the creature sees her reaction to that voice, he may want to use it more at moments of conflict. This method of attack was one of my favs because it directly applies to the logline “forced to confront the fears of her past.” I also really liked the revelation that the creature not only controls electric machinery but adapts to it.

Hopefully, something in my ramblings helps. This one definitely has legs, and I can’t wait to see the next draft!

BLB

Hey, BLB, thank you for your comments and feedback.
Getting late here, but will respond further tomorrow. :)

If I get some time to myself tonight I will respond as well, but We have company here with little kids, so hard to tell. We definitely appreciate it though.  :)

Quoted from Busy Little Bee [*] I thought you handled the introductions of the characters well. Each felt like their own person. I was never confused about who was who. [*] I  think the red door could just be an action line rather than a slug. [*] I liked the opening, almost like a mini-puzzle trying to figure out what’s going on, but not so much it takes you out of the story, just engaging one’s attention.

Great about the characters.  :) I will look into the red door thing. I’ve read the script so many times it’s easy to skim certain things. Happy about the puzzle comment. We tried to keep some things sort of mysterious.

Quoted from Busy Little Bee SPOILER I think the only consideration I can offer has to do with Darby and what’s at stake for her. The survival stakes are very apparent to me as the creature stalks and try to kill her and her friends. But what specific to her is at stake? The three things that come to mind for me: are her life (survival), her friend’s life (friendship), and her “way of life” (peace of mind). There’s already so much established for all three. I think you can milk the friendship and “a live/way of life” even more.

Are you referring to why we are following her instead of the other characters? Darby has her ex also trying to find her. He’s very dangerous to her and the whole reason we are out in this remote area away from civilization and communication. So, she has two things she’s trying to survive. Unless you meant something else.  :)

Quoted from Busy Little Bee 1.)     In this draft, everyone dies but Darby, who lives isolated (question on this later). It could be worth exploring what each character has to offer Darby (as quasi-mentors) to give her the tools to return to the “world of the living.” Each one already represents an aspect of life: Shannon and her career, Meg and her love/sex, Tress and her family, and Adrienne (love or hate her, lol) her personal care.

That’s actually a great idea that I didn’t think of. IDKW. It seems so logical now that you mention it.

Quoted from Busy Little Bee 2.)     At some point, Darby says something to the effect that “she just wants to live.” But what does “to live/living” mean for Darby? On the one hand, living in the woods seems like a self-imposed prison (is that how she’s choosing to live?), which is why I suggest the friends act as mentors giving her the tools to move on.

We actually based this a little bit on a friend of mine who’s one of those people who lives off the grid in a vehicle. My friend used to have a converted/modified Chevy Astro of all things. Now she has a schoolie. An old school bus converted to an RV type thing. Only problem with those is that they can’t go over a certain speed limit, so she frequently holds people up on the roads. :D Anyway, there are thousands and thousands of people living this lifestyle and they also meet-up every now and then here and there. Anyway, that’s where the whole idea of her trying to hide from her ex by living off the grid came about.

Quoted from Busy Little Bee However, if living in the woods is her ideal of “living” (totally valid) because it brings peace of mind, one could lean into her bond with the area even more. For example, the inciting incident when Shannon spots the shape in the cloud, a fantastic hint of the threat, and it gets even better when the cloud descends over our girls, but right before then, a flock of birds flees. I love this moment. If in the montage, or perhaps it’s one moment, we see her bird watching as a mark of “living” (peace of mind), then when they fly away, we know how the threat is disrupting her ideal of living/peace of mind. I also think something like this could strengthen the ending which is missing just a little “umpf” of catharsis for me. If she looks up and sees a flock of birds before dozing off it feels full circle, we’ll see visually things may be okay in terms of her peace of mind. She still has work to do because she just lost all her friends.

Again, a great idea! I don’t think that has ever occurred to us! :)

Quoted from Busy Little Bee Although it was difficult for me to imagine, I loved a lot of what y’all came up with in terms of the creature. That moment when Ethan’s voice comes over the radio was chilling and deserving of a freakout. I don’t know how well it would work but in theory, at least in my mind, it would help to lean into that even more because if the creature sees her reaction to that voice, he may want to use it more at moments of conflict. This method of attack was one of my favs because it directly applies to the logline “forced to confront the fears of her past.” I also really liked the revelation that the creature not only controls electric machinery but adapts to it.

I hear you about the ending and we’ve had many ideas on how to improve it, but as the pretend “producer” I had to make sure we stuck to our original goal of keeping this low budget. It still is as far as Hollywood budgets go, but it might be pushing the indie market’s.

Quoted from Busy Little Bee Hopefully, something in my ramblings helps. This one definitely has legs, and I can’t wait to see the next draft! BLB

Thank you VERY much for reading and offering us some great suggestions. Libby and I are both working on re-writes. My goal is to be able to send in a draft to the Screencraft horror comp which is due at the end of this month, We’ll see how that turns out. Thank you so much again and sorry it took me so long to respond. I’ve had family staying at our house and then they tested positive for Covid so decided to do their isolation here too. The only one that tested negative and never got sick was me, so I’ve been busy trying to take care of everything.

Pia. 8)

Hey Pia,

No worries, lol. Thanks for the reply!

I'm glad some of my comments were helpful.  Yeah, I didn't think I was being clear initially when I asked about Darby living in the woods. I think I was just trying to draw the distinction between her choosing to live in the woods and it being a self-imposed prison because of her ex. It seems like the latter. For me, it determines how I'm supposed to feel about her leaving. That's all. Everything feels like it's headed in a good direction by the end.  

Good luck w/ ScreenCraft!

BLB

BLB, sorry I didn't get back to you the other day. Covid family emergency, and then Pia jumped in, thank goodness.

You made some great comments.
I particularly like your comment here:

Quoted from BLB That moment when Ethan’s voice comes over the radio was chilling and deserving of a freakout. I don’t know how well it would work but in theory, at least in my mind, it would help to lean into that even more because if the creature sees her reaction to that voice, he may want to use it more at moments of conflict. This method of attack was one of my favs because it directly applies to the logline “forced to confront the fears of her past.”. ...

The psychological terror angle here should definitely be made more of imho. I hope to develop it further.

Regarding Darby and her self imposed exile it's ironic really that she's free, out in the open/escaped Ethan but no matter where she is still feeling imprisoned and looking over her shoulder.

Thank you so much for your comments, BLB.

Quoted from Busy Little Bee I think I was just trying to draw the distinction between her choosing to live in the woods and it being a self-imposed prison because of her ex. It seems like the latter. For me, it determines how I'm supposed to feel about her leaving.

Glad to see your line of thought here, Bee -- and thanks for all the great comments! For my part at least I'm definitely hoping that we get to a strong story about Darby leaving a self-imposed prison, as you describe.

Hey LC and Heretic,

No worries, LC. Hope everything's okay or getting there.

Thanks for the replies! I love that aspect of the creature and story! After watching Prey, I'm even more excited for something like this. Can't wait to read more about it.

BLB

Hey!

I read it. I know you've gotten coverage and so much feedback here on SS so I'm trying to be somewhat novel in what feedback I give you.

I know I shared with LC some ideas for the opening sequence because ya'll wanted to avert the cliched "woman running through the woods from her abuser" trope, but I'll reiterate what I said in that DM - I think the current opening works really well. It's immediate, tense, it's action lines are really visceral. It telegraphs the context of Darby and Ethan's relationship immediately which means you don't need exposition later. You could definitely aim for a more subtle opening if you wanted, but you'd be sacrificing one of those elements that worked really well. Tropes in fiction exist for a reason - they work well!

Some small stuff I noted:

*You don't often use character descriptions at all aside from age. This is fine for the most part. I do kind of like being given a way to picture a character in my head. Perhaps I overuse them in my writing. The characterisation is strong enough that of course major characters still end up being unique and identifiable, but if you want extra texture you could always slip in one or two adjectives for the major characters.

*I really enjoyed Adrianne. She's not a terrific person but her writing was engaging. I've always liked a bit of difficult character.

*Embaressingly, I have to admit that the sluglines for "4runner" and "airstream" confused me at first but maybe I don't have a great attention span or comprehension, because when I reread it it came into view

The thing is tightly plotted and structured - to the point that I couldn't really have much to say about this - but I did note that the final sequences feel like they move along really quickly, like they were a tiny bit rushed. They're still tense and mostly effective, but with the script only being 90 pages, you could have spared a few pages to make those last ten a little more smooth (this is me really reaching for something constructive to say, though).

My annotation for page 82, under "Stalker POV", simply reads 'reminds me of 2001 a space odyssey'. Who knows what I meant when I wrote that.

I'm very curious how five writers worked. I can barely co-write with myself. I'm guessing you did it by passing the script around (I guessed this because I downloaded the script, and the filename is "Relentless - CSPass") for redrafts. I'd be really interested in how the writing process worked, though.

Anyway - sorry. I feel like I don't have too much actionable feedback. I enjoyed it. It reminded me of IRL hollywood produced scripts. It didn't read like one of those spec scripts that get posted online on reddit and stuff

Ben

Hola! I saw this yesterday, but I'm still kind of sickish from that Covid we had three weeks ago. We're both Negative, but still have lingering effects. I haven't done much of anything lately. Tomorrow is Saturday, so I will respond to your comments then. I really appreciate you reading and commenting and I don't just want to scribble up something in return. I want to take my time and think about it.

BBT!  :)

Quoted from AlsoBen I read it. I know you've gotten coverage and so much feedback here on SS so I'm trying to be somewhat novel in what feedback I give you.

Thank you. We appreciate any feedback.

Quoted from AlsoBen I know I shared with LC some ideas for the opening sequence because ya'll wanted to avert the cliched "woman running through the woods from her abuser" trope, but I'll reiterate what I said in that DM - I think the current opening works really well. It's immediate, tense, it's action lines are really visceral. It telegraphs the context of Darby and Ethan's relationship immediately which means you don't need exposition later. You could definitely aim for a more subtle opening if you wanted, but you'd be sacrificing one of those elements that worked really well. Tropes in fiction exist for a reason - they work well!

I'm not sure we all wanted the opening changed. I think most of us liked it. Marnie wrote it, btw. I think we started discussing it when some people reading were not fans of it and then Carson said in his blog how he absolutely hated that trope, so we started wondering if we need to scrap it.

Quoted from AlsoBen *You don't often use character descriptions at all aside from age. This is fine for the most part. I do kind of like being given a way to picture a character in my head. Perhaps I overuse them in my writing. The characterisation is strong enough that of course major characters still end up being unique and identifiable, but if you want extra texture you could always slip in one or two adjectives for the major characters.

I thought we did pretty good with the descriptions in the character intros and then adding visual things like their differences in luggage for example. You don't agree?

Quoted from AlsoBen *I really enjoyed Adrianne. She's not a terrific person but her writing was engaging. I've always liked a bit of difficult character.

That's kind of funny. We first wrote to the degree where we all hated her and then she changed over time. I'm glad you enjoyed who she is now.

Quoted from AlsoBen *Embaressingly, I have to admit that the sluglines for "4runner" and "airstream" confused me at first but maybe I don't have a great attention span or comprehension, because when I reread it it came into view

We'll look at that because if nothing else, it needs to be consistent.

Quoted from AlsoBen The thing is tightly plotted and structured - to the point that I couldn't really have much to say about this - but I did note that the final sequences feel like they move along really quickly, like they were a tiny bit rushed. They're still tense and mostly effective, but with the script only being 90 pages, you could have spared a few pages to make those last ten a little more smooth (this is me really reaching for something constructive to say, though).

Thank you and I do think we all agree. It mostly comes from, I think, the fact that the beginning has been read over and tweaked the most and the ending the least. Hopefully, we'll be able to make the ending more satisfying.

Quoted from AlsoBen My annotation for page 82, under "Stalker POV", simply reads 'reminds me of 2001 a space odyssey'. Who knows what I meant when I wrote that.

:D I'll have to look into that. Great movie and amazing director, so if anything in our was even remotely reminiscent of 2001 it's worth taking a second look at.

Quoted from AlsoBen I'm very curious how five writers worked. I can barely co-write with myself. I'm guessing you did it by passing the script around (I guessed this because I downloaded the script, and the filename is "Relentless - CSPass") for redrafts. I'd be really interested in how the writing process worked, though.

To be honest with you, it''s not something I would recommend and not something I plan on doing again. It was very difficult and with each writers' draft, you basically had to read the whole thing after every draft. That gets tedious and time consuming and later on you start to lose interest. If you're the only writer, you know what changes you made and can sort of skim through. So, what I thought would be a fun thing to do here with members turned out to be a very difficult thing even though all the writers are experienced and know their s*^t.

Quoted from AlsoBen Anyway - sorry. I feel like I don't have too much actionable feedback. I enjoyed it. It reminded me of IRL hollywood produced scripts. It didn't read like one of those spec scripts that get posted online on reddit and stuff

Again, thank you so much for reading and commenting! Means a lot to us. I'm sorry it took me so long to respond. Been struggling with this Covid crap for three weeks now. Hopefully it will be gone soon since I have a trip planned on Thursday...  :-/

Thanks again!  :)

Hey Libby, Pia, Gary, Marnie and Christopher,

I finally read "Relentless" and cannot imagine how five independent writers can "simultaneously" create a functioning, quality single-story screenplay. So congrats.

I'm not sure if you are still taking critiques. I've got a lot to say, but by now, you might have moved on to a new draft. If so, I'll read the revision before commenting.

— Abe

Gary!!! Long time no see! 8)

Who wouldn't want a review from you? Especially on a horror. I intended to rewrite this one before the end of August, but all kinds of unplanned things happened, so...

Anyway, if you have any thoughts and suggestions, just let us know. Libby and I are both working on two different versions.  :)

Review of “Relentless”

The title is perfect.

I’m not a fan of dream sequences, but it’s an informational device and so, it serves a purpose.

The opening is a bit of a grind because we go from — dream sequence with symbolism, to a montage of Darby’s day, to Darby’s insomnia and her viewing of Ethan’s video program on a cell phone (what the heck? Or is this another dream??), to standard reuniting  with old friends, to establishing the personalities of the new characters, to the hitting the road and catching up on ancient news.

Then it’s on to the campsite and more activities. All this in the first 10 pages.
That was a lot for me to ingest without a hint of what’s coming.

I think the Cloud makes its first appearance on page 11. BTW, I loved this element in the story. I’m trying to incorporate a cloud in my rewrite of a short, so was very curious as to how you would use it. Luckily your cloud serves a different, unique purpose than my cloud

•. Suggestion:  Maybe introduce the cloud earlier. Have a diff. character notice it, like Darby. If it appears and disappears on her, we might think that she is struggling with reality.

I do love that Shannon notices it and comments on it. Maybe Adrienne also notices the cloud and tries to snap a photo of it.

—  As for the introduction of characters, it is pretty much by-the-numbers. Everybody shows up close to the same time and then it’s a getting reacquainted session.

•  Suggestion:  Maybe stagger the arrivals. I’d love to see Shannon and Meg traveling together. Establish their relationship before meeting up with the others.

Adrienne and Tress can share thoughts about Darby before she meets with them.

I took a look at a few movie OPENINGS of friends uniting, and they were all different and interesting.
_________

I didn’t care for Adrienne because she is an obvious narcissist and they usually aren’t likable. But I can’t totally hate her. She has a couple of nice exchanges that might be misinterpreted by her friends:  
on page 7, Adrienne suggests to Meg that she download an app with tons of beauty and make-up tips.
Meg is insulted, but I’m not sure Adrienne was being mean. I took it as she was trying to connect with Meg. But I’m being generous in my interpretation.

on page 9, Adrienne heaps some praise on Shannon who is doing military push ups.
She even suggests Shannon could start an online channel and draw a following. Shannon isn’t interested.

I like to think Adrienne, in her own way, was “trying.”

Some of the early dialogue between the women seems manufactured. Would you considered making it more organic and in the moment?
Adrienne can take a group selfie with the Cloud in the b.g. If the cloud is absent from the photo, it could spark a debate about altering reality.
_______________

I read from one of the writers that the AR was not a hostile entity, but was on earth to gather samples, data, and such.
The idea that AR is on a sample-collecting mission is Fantastic. I really love the idea that it is not here to create havoc.

Unfortunately, is there any suggestion that the AR is here for scientific purposes?

We never see that it is anything but a dangerous killing machine.

What I loved about the old Universal “Frankenstein” movie was that the monster was not roaming the countryside with destruction on its mind. The monster was looking for companionship and to stay out of danger.

Why I mention that… who the hell knows?

Would a scene showing the AR gathering samples improve or hurt the story? Maybe a scene with the AR encountering a predator in the woods?
________________
On p 15 you have a scene of the ladies experiencing an intense high-pitched sound which paralyzes them momentarily. What does this signify?
Soon after, an owl falls out of the tree.
The bird is slashed… because it has a tracker. So, does the AR consider the tracker as a weapon at this point? The owl presents no danger to the alien, so it would not use the tracker in a threatening way.

Was an owl selected for budget purposes? I mean an owl? I keep picturing the cute, mechanical owl from Clash of the Titans.

More to come in a day or two.

Wasn’t sure if I should wait or not, but here goes.  :)

Quoted from Abe from LA The title is perfect.

That would be thanks to Chris.

Quoted from Abe from LA I’m not a fan of dream sequences, but it’s an informational device and so, it serves a purpose.

We’ve been a little back and forth with it. I personally don’t have an issue with it, but apparently some do. We’ll see if we’ll keep it or not.

Quoted from Abe from LA The opening is a bit of a grind because we go from — dream sequence with symbolism, to a montage of Darby’s day, to Darby’s insomnia and her viewing of Ethan’s video program on a cell phone (what the heck? Or is this another dream, to standard reuniting  with old friends, to establishing the personalities of the new characters, to the hitting the road and catching up on ancient news.

Hmmm. To be honest, I haven’t read the script in its entirety now for some time. I’ll have to see how this hits me when I do. It’s good to stay away for a while and come back with fresh eyes.

Quoted from Abe from LA Then it’s on to the campsite and more activities. All this in the first 10 pages. That was a lot for me to ingest without a hint of what’s coming.

That might be my fault for wanting to get into the story quick.

Quoted from Abe from LA I think the Cloud makes its first appearance on page 11. BTW, I loved this element in the story. I’m trying to incorporate a cloud in my rewrite of a short, so was very curious as to how you would use it. Luckily your cloud serves a different, unique purpose than my cloud

We had a bit of a panic when the film Nope first came out because of the cloud in it.  I’m glad you liked it.  :)

Quoted from Abe from LA •. Suggestion:  Maybe introduce the cloud earlier. Have a diff. character notice it, like Darby. If it appears and disappears on her, we might think that she is struggling with reality.

Never even thought of that, but that is a pretty good idea. I’ll see if I can work that in there somehow.

Quoted from Abe from LA I do love that Shannon notices it and comments on it. Maybe Adrienne also notices the cloud and tries to snap a photo of it.

That is also a good idea.

Quoted from Abe from LA —  As for the introduction of characters, it is pretty much by-the-numbers. Everybody shows up close to the same time and then it’s a getting reacquainted session. •  Suggestion:  Maybe stagger the arrivals. I’d love to see Shannon and Meg traveling together. Establish their relationship before meeting up with the others. Adrienne and Tress can share thoughts about Darby before she meets with them.

Again, another good idea. Could give some hints about Darby’s backstory there.

Quoted from Abe from LA I didn’t care for Adrienne because she is an obvious narcissist and they usually aren’t likable. But I can’t totally hate her. She has a couple of nice exchanges that might be misinterpreted by her friends:   on page 7, Adrienne suggests to Meg that she download an app with tons of beauty and make-up tips. Meg is insulted, but I’m not sure Adrienne was being mean. I took it as she was trying to connect with Meg. But I’m being generous in my interpretation.

I think that was intended as suggesting Meg should be doing something about her looks. Kind of a putdown, in other words.

Quoted from Abe from LA on page 9, Adrienne heaps some praise on Shannon who is doing military push ups. She even suggests Shannon could start an online channel and draw a following. Shannon isn’t interested.

That exchange was meant as a, “I wish I was that fit. Imagine what I could be doing with my profile then.” Also, getting Shannon, and the others to realize that being an influencer on social media is real and you can be famous and make money that way. So, I guess she’s kind of being nice there, but only thinking in terms of her world and what she would do if she looked like Shannon.

Quoted from Abe from LA Some of the early dialogue between the women seems manufactured. Would you considered making it more organic and in the moment? Adrienne can take a group selfie with the Cloud in the b.g. If the cloud is absent from the photo, it could spark a debate about altering reality.

I’ll have to see how it reads to me now that I’ve been away for a bit.

Quoted from Abe from LA I read from one of the writers that the AR was not a hostile entity, but was on earth to gather samples, data, and such. The idea that AR is on a sample-collecting mission is Fantastic. I really love the idea that it is not here to create havoc. Unfortunately, is there any suggestion that the AR is here for scientific purposes?

The idea with the Alien Robot was that it is sent to Earth as a probe by a long ago, far away, advanced society to gather information about this planet. It only becomes hostile when they try to hurt it. That was the idea at least. It can be tricky to give the right and necessary information, but not too much. Getting the right balance somehow.

Quoted from Abe from LA We never see that it is anything but a dangerous killing machine. What I loved about the old Universal “Frankenstein” movie was that the monster was not roaming the countryside with destruction on its mind. The monster was looking for companionship and to stay out of danger. Why I mention that… who the hell knows? Would a scene showing the AR gathering samples improve or hurt the story? Maybe a scene with the AR encountering a predator in the woods? Another good idea with the Frankenstein sample. Maybe it tries to help an animal or human before it’s attacked? [quote=Abe_from_LA]On p 15 you have a scene of the ladies experiencing an intense high-pitched sound which paralyzes them momentarily. What does this signify? Soon after, an owl falls out of the tree. The bird is slashed… because it has a tracker. So, does the AR consider the tracker as a weapon at this point? The owl presents no danger to the alien, so it would not use the tracker in a threatening way. Was an owl selected for budget purposes? I mean an owl? I keep picturing the cute, mechanical owl from Clash of the Titans.

I was actually going to change that in my next draft. Others might keep it, but to me, the owl dies because it was near or in the way of the AR’s entry into our atmosphere. Something entering our atmosphere and landing here is usually a pretty violent event. At least that was my thinking a looong time ago when this was first started, lol.

Quoted from Abe from LA More to come in a day or two.

Thanks Gary!  8)

Continuing:

I like the idea of the AR being invisible, initially, but not throughout the story.

I’ve lost track, but was there a point in the story that the AR was rendered visible? Or was the alien freely bouncing between visibility and invisibility?

Does the human’s visibility coincide with the AR’s visibility?

— I haven’t seen the original Predator in so long, but why was the alien visible toward the end of the film? Was its invisibility system damaged?  Just comparing notes.

Have you created a back story for the AR’s visit to earth? Is the collecting/testing of earth samples for the AR robots to ultimately inhabit our planet?
More curious than concerned…

For clarity’s sake, on page 23, when Adrienne fires gunshots up into the trees. Is she shooting randomly or at the AR?
In a previous scene, I think she had assumed the weaver stance and was aiming straight ahead. Just wondering from which direction Adrienne was attacked?

On page 26, Shannon instructs Darby to “grab those headlamps.”
Darby then enters the Airstream and opens a storage case for headlamps. The headlamps, I assume, is lying next to or under the Restraining Order.

Question: Did Shannon go through the storage case in a previous scene and know the headlamps were stored there? In which case she would have seen the restraining order.

On Page 27, a Man’s voice (Ethan) is heard over the CB radio saying, “I just want to talk.”  Courtesy of the AR.
This CANNOT be happening in Darby’s mind — so, how would the AR know Ethan said these words?
On page 1, that same line is spoken by Ethan in what I thought was a dream sequence.

Can the AR read a person’s thoughts??
A little confusing.

The dialogue exchange between Darby and Shannon on p 28 is forced and awkward.

Quoted Text                                              DARBY                       But I’ve been alone. Now you’re all here…                               SHANNON                     … He’s on the other side of the country. And                you were alone, but you’re not. We’re here… Another exchange that can be reworked to add tension, on page 29.                               MEG                You think that was her shooting?                               SHANNON                If not, it means we’re not alone                out here.

As the ladies search for Adrienne, Shannon has some wicked dialogue. Bottom of 31, “I have no idea, but whatever it was, I don’t like it.”
P 32, Shannon and Meg find Adrienne’s phone and severed fingers. Shannon says about the fingers, “She’s gonna want these when we find her. C’mon.”

INCONSISTENCY — (P 32).   Shannon continues into the woods, “headlamp sweeping, looking for clues.”

Can’t happen. The headlamps were blown out minutes earlier and Shannon is now relying on a “pocket light.”

P 33

If you want to keep this line, I would have a different character (than Adrienne) say, “That’s what killed the owl.”

Thanks Gary! I'll be back in the morning. :)

Quoted from Abe from LA I like the idea of the AR being invisible, initially, but not throughout the story. I’ve lost track, but was there a point in the story that the AR was rendered visible? Or was the alien freely bouncing between visibility and invisibility?

This was purely for budgetary reasons. There are places where we can see parts of it. We figured even a small time low budget production could come up with pieces that could be part of an alien probe. Showing the whole thing, especially moving would be a different matter. Of course, there are some filmmakers out there that can do amazing things with very little expense, but loads of imagination.

Quoted from Abe from LA Does the human’s visibility coincide with the AR’s visibility? — I haven’t seen the original Predator in so long, but why was the alien visible toward the end of the film? Was its invisibility system damaged?  Just comparing notes.]/quote] The AR is not invisible at all. The characters can see it, but have no idea what it is. We kind of pictured it being a little similar to the robot dogs in Black Mirror’s Metalhead, which was modeled after Boston Dynamics robot. [quote=Abe_from_LA]Have you created a back story for the AR’s visit to earth? Is the collecting/testing of earth samples for the AR robots to ultimately inhabit our planet? More curious than concerned…

The AR comes from a civilization far away where the original beings/aliens were killed off as their machines/computers developed their own ability to learn and think for themselves. The AR is only a probe though and not one of the decision makers. They have destroyed their own planet and are just looking for a new place to expand to.

Quoted from Abe from LA For clarity’s sake, on page 23, when Adrienne fires gunshots up into the trees. Is she shooting randomly or at the AR? In a previous scene, I think she had assumed the weaver stance and was aiming straight ahead. Just wondering from which direction Adrienne was attacked?

I think it’s dusk at that time and she first assumes it’s a person out there somewhere, but can’t really see. She feels threatened and shoots at something moving. The weaver stance is just the most common for a steady aimed shot… I think. ;D

Quoted from Abe from LA On page 26, Shannon instructs Darby to “grab those headlamps.” Darby then enters the Airstream and opens a storage case for headlamps. The headlamps, I assume, is lying next to or under the Restraining Order. Question: Did Shannon go through the storage case in a previous scene and know the headlamps were stored there? In which case she would have seen the restraining order.

Those things were added in the latest draft, so I can’t say that I remember that part very well. It’s quite possible though that it will be changed in the rewrite since quite a few people didn’t care for that angle.

Quoted from Abe from LA On Page 27, a Man’s voice (Ethan) is heard over the CB radio saying, “I just want to talk.”  Courtesy of the AR. This CANNOT be happening in Darby’s mind — so, how would the AR know Ethan said these words? On page 1, that same line is spoken by Ethan in what I thought was a dream sequence. Can the AR read a person’s thoughts?? A little confusing.

I need to look into this closely. The AR can definitely not read human minds. Radio waves yes, and it can tap into digital stuff like recordings and that sort of thing.

Quoted from Abe from LA The dialogue exchange between Darby and Shannon on p 28 is forced and awkward.

I was unable to quote your example there, but yes, I agree.

Quoted from Abe from LA INCONSISTENCY — (P 32).   Shannon continues into the woods, “headlamp sweeping, looking for clues.” Can’t happen. The headlamps were blown out minutes earlier and Shannon is now relying on a “pocket light.”

Ouch! Thank you for catching that! Amazing that five writers going over a script so many times can miss the little things.  :)

Quoted from Abe from LA If you want to keep this line, I would have a different character (than Adrienne) say, “That’s what killed the owl.”

Yes, that doesn’t really sound like her, does it.

Appreciate your thoughts and comments. Maybe some of the others can chime in too. Either way, thanks.  8) :)