Rupture Wings by Yuvraj Rajwanshi - Short, Horror - A quiet night can take a horrible turn. 5 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Thank you Don for posting.

Hey, mate – mostly nitty stuff:

Quoted Text CHLOE SMITH(30s) sits on a couch, reading a magazine, completely bored. Her phone rests on a table in front of her.

Throughout – look for places to pop your verbs – you don’t need to use pedestrian ones (e.g., sits, stands, walks, etc.).  When you do, you can avoid telling us how someone feels (bored) – you can show us.

For example – in the above, you can get the mood across via:

CHLOE SMITH (30s), slumped on a couch, mindlessly flipping through a magazine.

Another example here:

Quoted Text Chloe walks to the MAIN DOOR

Use the verb to tell us how she feels – if she is excited for example.

Chloe skips to …

If she is tired

Chloe shuffles to ..

If she is suspicious/scared

Chloe creeps to...

Quoted Text No one is on the screen. The screen shows a vacant porch.

This can be briefer.

No one on the screen – just a vacant porch.

Look for unnecessary words/phrases. For example, here:

Quoted Text The Man bangs on the door. Quite loudly.

All you need is:

The Man BANGS on the door.

The BANG already tells us it is loud.

Look for dramatic effect. For example, this:

Quoted Text The banging on the door ceases.

Is a bit more creepy as:

The banging stops…. Silence.

The REPORTER V.Os didn’t’ work for me – they didn’t sound natural … I know you need to get that exposition in somewhere, but it just seemed forced here. See what others think.

The Tyler thing kind of came out of nowhere….  I assume that what you’re setting up is Nathan was babysitting that night when Chloe broke into the house …. If so …. Then why wouldn’t Ken be shouting out for Tyler at the front door. If Tyler wasn’t babysitting ….  Then what is the point in having him in the story at all?

Hope these help.

Thanks, Dave for reading and commenting.

Quoted Text The REPORTER V.Os didn’t’ work for me – they didn’t sound natural … I know you need to get that exposition in somewhere, but it just seemed forced here. See what others think.

Honestly, I thought the same. This was the best way I could come up with, without leaving readers scratching their heads. I prefer ambiguity but, you have to explain sometimes. Especially, when it is a short story.

Quoted Text The Tyler thing kind of came out of nowhere….  I assume that what you’re setting up is Nathan was babysitting that night when Chloe broke into the house …. If so …. Then why wouldn’t Ken be shouting out for Tyler at the front door. If Tyler wasn’t babysitting ….  Then what is the point in having him in the story at all?

The absolute dread of the entire situation refrains Ken from saying anything at all. He has no dialog in the real world, besides Chloe's imagination that is. He just wants Nathan back safely.  

Thanks again for reading and commenting.

Quoted Text Thanks again for reading and commenting.

My pleasure - hopefully, you'll get a few more reads

Quoted from eldave1 My pleasure - hopefully, you'll get a few more reads

Hopefully.

I enjoyed your story beats but I do have a few questions.
What is the significance of the title rupture wings?
Why doesn't anyone show up when she continually looks at the screen that shows the outside door?
Was anyone ever outside her bedroom door when she was holding her baby?

I enjoyed the ending defiantly. The exposition of the news reporter I liked but I think you didn't include any bread crumbs or clues that showed that the woman was out of her mind. I believe if you were to add something in that category the ending would land harder for a reveal.

Overall cool story. I look forward to seeing more of your stuff. I read a few of your scripts already.

Thank you for reading and commenting.

Quoted Text What is the significance of the title rupture wings?

It might sound vague but, 'rupture' as you know means to break or burst suddenly. And 'wings' signify (of birds, particularly) Ken and Nathan. Two blood-related souls in danger. Hence, Rupture Wings means broken souls.

Quoted Text Why doesn't anyone show up when she continually looks at the screen that shows the outside door?

Coz there is no one there in reality. It is her imagination. If you talk about Chloe seeing Ken through the peephole, it is also her imagination (her paranoia). The Police were also very cautious in their movements. Not to alert Chloe in any way.  

Quoted Text Was anyone ever outside her bedroom door when she was holding her baby?

No. All her imagination.  

Quoted Text I enjoyed the ending defiantly.

Glad to hear that. After all, the incident will surely make its way to the news.

Quoted Text The exposition of the news reporter I liked but I think you didn't include any bread crumbs or clues that showed that the woman was out of her mind. I believe if you were to add something in that category the ending would land harder for a reveal.

Well, I tried. The distant sound of sirens shows us what comes at the end. And if you argue that the sound will alert Chloe then, you might be correct about it. But, you need to take some liberty at the expense of laying out the clues.  

If you notice that she only sees people standing outside through the peephole and not on the security screen, it implies that something's not right with her.

The pool of blood and the blood-stained knife shows that she killed someone, which we get to know at the end.

Also, I am not denying that there might be ways of laying out the clues that other skilled writers can do better than me.

However, this is what I had to offer.

Quoted Text Overall cool story. I look forward to seeing more of your stuff. I read a few of your scripts already.

Thanks.

I had a quick read of this, Yuvraj, and read the comments.

I think clarity is key here. Regarding your explanation that it's all in her head you would do well to make it clear what's in her imagination, and what's not actually there. You need to find a trick with the writing there, perhaps have her see something else that's not there and it disappear, then we as the viewer will suss what's going on with her.

Also, regarding your title - it would be Ruptured Wings in that case, but it still doesn't roll off the tongue that well imho.

As a suggestion Broken Wings would work nicely.

Thanks, Libby for reading and commenting.

Quoted Text You need to find a trick with the writing there, perhaps have her see something else that's not there and it disappears, then we as the viewer will suss what's going on with her.

Well, it happens as you suggest. The scrawny man is not there when she opens the room's door.

Also, she hears Ken's voice when it is supposed to be (as per her imagination) the scrawny man and not Ken outside the door.  

Plus, the security camera implies that there isn't anyone on the porch but, she still sees otherwise.

All these indicate that something's not right with her.

Regardless of these titbits, there will always be better ways.

Quoted Text Also, regarding your title - it would be Ruptured Wings in that case, but it still doesn't roll off the tongue that well imho. As a suggestion Broken Wings would work nicely.

Not to sound mean or anything, but I like rupture wings as my title. Broken wings, imo, as a title sounds too simple and plain.

Thanks again.

Yuvraj, not to be mean either, but at least call it Ruptured Wings (past participle), otherwise it's like saying 'tear wings' instead of torn wings.

Up to you, of course, but grammatically I'd argue (in a friendly way, of course) that it's incorrect.

Hey Yuvraj,

Thanks for posting this. I always enjoy reading your work. You have a great style and there's always a sense of foreboding, and your imagery is great.

I agree with everything that's been said here so far. You've got to be aware of what the reader is aware and what the audience sees - the difference between what's told to us in the narrative, and what is seen on screen or spoken through dialogue. For example, Ken is described as OFF SCREEN until Chloe is arrested and walks past him, so no one knows what he looks like until then. We have Ken's voice, and then we have a fleeting image of Ken at the end, and the viewer might not match them up.

Also, Chloe is looking impatiently at her phone, and you tell us she is waiting for someone. Then we find she's broken into Ken's house and has killed the babysitter. So I as the reader/viewer ask myself why she's sitting there.

Is Chloe's motivation to kidnap Nathan? Then she has to be more active and not passive. Is it to spend her last few minutes with him, before she's carted away? Then she needs to be with him, and not on the couch, idly passing the time. I'm not sure why Chloe did what she did, and this is key to your story. It's also not enough to say "she's crazy". We need context. We need a why. I'm not sure that giving it to us afterward in the news report is satisfying.

I hope this helps. Good luck with this!

AJR

Gave it a quick peek. The first page alone has a lot of repetitive prose, which is a distracting eyesore. First two lines start with "Chloe", followed by three consecutive lines beginning with the word "the". Mix it up a bit, Dude.

I also side with Libby on the title. You should go with "Ruptured Wings", in my opinion. "Rupture Wings" doesn't read or sound right.

I'll check out the rest later and comment on the story. Happy to see you still sharing your work. :)