Protect & Serve by Trenton Tiggs & James Williams - Short, Horror - An anniversary dinner takes a turn when the cops become involved. 1 page - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice :)

Hi there, Trenton and James.

The story baffled me for quite some time after reading it. I wasn't sure what to make of it.

I guess that Andrew and the woman, Hannah, are a police couple. And for some reason, Andrew kills her. So he is now a cop and a killer. The dialog at the end may serve as irony.

That's what I decode. It would be a delight to be told that my interpretation is wrong. :)

Anyways, good luck.

Hi,

Thanks for taking the time to read our script :) We have been doing one-page exercises to strengthen our full features currently in the works. You hit the nail on the head. We were going for irony, so you are correct in your assessment of the story.

They are a police couple. Andrew murders Hannah after a romantic night that takes a tragic turn. With the cop-killer line, you were spot on as well for what we were trying to accomplish. He is in fact a cop and a killer. We wanted to inject a little tension by showing everyone in this story is in fact a police officer, and twist it to show instead of protecting society he is actively harming it through his actions.

Thanks again for the feedback. We appreciate it.

Hey Trenton and James,

I like a little murder story now and then.

After reading your comments that this story focuses on a cop couple with one of them a (cop) killer, I think that's a viable idea for a one-page script.

But there are a few niggles that have me perplexed. Perhaps you can clarify.

You mentioned in your logline that this was an anniversary dinner. I didn't get any hint of such. If this was a romantic occasion, would Hannah still be wearing her cop uniform?

Andrew meticulously cleans the chef's knife, but intentionally leaves the murdered wife's body in the upstairs bedroom. Am I missing something here? Is Andrew just unhinged?

He does a curious thing when the other cop comes to the door.
Andrew grabs his gun and holster from the nightstand and walks downstairs. But he doesn't holster the gun. Instead, he tucks the gun in his waistband. At this point Andrew is not in uniform when he greets the other cop.

That action had me thinking...

I misread where you guys were going with this story. So much of this story points to a possible affair between Hannah and the third cop. I thought Andrew left the dead wife upstairs for the third cop to see. To perhaps shock him. That would give Andrew a motive and a reason for revenge.

Later, Andrew "walks back up the stairs. Then he comes down dressed in a cop uniform." Was that the kicker? That he is also a cop?

What if Andrew is already dressed in uniform when he answers the door?

Well, that's all I have. Since this was an exercise, you can take my comments with a grain of salt.
Good luck.

Hey Abe,

Thanks for the read! You made some great points about the logistics of events and that's why we love posting on SS. This is something that we plan on returning too.

The anniversary is an important nugget so we need to let come through more, and the affair is the main motive so you're correct about that.

Also, Andrew being a cop as well is the kicker, and we had toyed with whether he should approach the door already in uniform, half-way dressed, etc., your feedback adds some clarity to that beat. Thanks, again! Let us know if there's something on SS you'd like another pair of eyes on.

BLB