Night Fall by Mbako  - Short, Sci fi, Fantasy - Dark, OldRivertown's ancient enemy continues to hunt down the Royals after him every night fall. 4 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I thought it was good I liked the genre, the visualization of the setting was well done,and how fast it started.

Hi Mbako,

thanks for sharing your script with us, sci-fi is one of my favorite genres and I wanted to give your script a read. Here are my thoughts:

From what I gleaned from the story, it's primarily told from "Dark's" point of view. Although he appears to be set up as the villain, he's the most interesting character of the five we meet in the scene. You don't really expand on who the "Royals" are except that they hunt Dark, because it hunts them. Also, because we spend so little time with the "Royals", I didn't feel emotionally connected when the Royals met their end.

Genie the narrator I'm not sure you need, because she doesn't play any integral part except to offer us expositional dialogue. If she is an important part of the world, maybe consider giving us some understanding as to why she's narrating this scene for us.  Of course, that's just my personal preference, and others here might differ from me in this regard.

I hope you expand on this story because it seems there's a lot of potential here.

E

Eric, some great feedback for Mbako.

Quoted from LC Eric, some great feedback for Mbako.

I think I accidentally wrote Ani's name because she was the last to post a comment. My apologies and thanks for the correction.

It looks like English isn't your native tongue, so I'll refrain from commenting on the grammatical errors, save to say that there are many of them and it looks like your script went through Google Translate.

However, I must say that your grasp of English is far better than my grasp of Tswana.

I like the image I conjured up in my mind while I read your script... Four Royals battling Dark... but there were parts that were confusing because the main character's name is Dark.

Your very first word is "Dark." then you introduce a character though dialogue who is also named "Dark".

I thought the Genie was just reiterating that it was a dark night.

If you renamed "Dark" to something else, and removed one of the male Royals, things would be a lot easier to understand.

-Jordan