Early Birds by Yuvraj Rajwanshi - Short, Drama - Some people just turn up at the wrong place, at the wrong time. 3 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

This was a fun script for 3 pages, Yuvraj. I did see the ending coming based on a few giveaway elements that you likely intended. The first was Gregg's reaction when Brad entered the store by kicking the door.
In fact, Gregg seemed more amused throughout than alarmed.

I thought it was kinda fun that Gregg uses a can of food to battle a gunman. Greg had no weapon, huh...? Well, he made a mess of the old woman with his hands and something sharp (left al lot of blood). It appears Gregg is well-versed in martial arts. Right?

Hmm, he might have left his finger prints all over the place, but who cares.
Anyway, this was worthy of a chuckle. Good job.

Very nice, Yuvraj!
Short, sweet, some nice humour, and has a nifty punchline.


SPOILERS BELOW




Format wise:
Your wrylies need redoing:
No Caps, and centred under dialogue.

BRAD(AIMS  HIS  GUN  AT  GREGG)

Should be:

        BRAD
(aims his gun at Gregg)

        GREGG(NODS)

        GREGG
        (nods)

A couple of suggestions:

BETH (50s),  the  store  owner,  lies  on  the  floor  in  a  pool  of blood.
Instead of telling us Beth is the store owner how about showing us simply with her dressed in company uniform, and with name tag on her lapel perhaps?

Might also be funny if a specific canned item is lying next to her, indicating how Gregg knocked her off, to compliment the same exact same MO he uses here:

Gregg grabs a sealed food can.  (no need to stipulate it's sealed btw)
Maybe add a brand name like 'Wolfman' or 'Stagg' for the canned food he uses as a weapon e.g.,
... from an open box on the counter Gregg grabs a can of 'Stagg' chili hurls it at...
Just to add some local colour.

The only other thing I'd suggest is in dialogue use contractions more.
Example:

GREGG
Fine!  I  will  give  you  the  money.
Fine! I'll give you the money.

You could even draw that dialogue out a tiny bit more without forecasting I think.

Add a line like:
Ah, c'mon. You sure you really want to do this, man?

Anyway, I enjoyed this a lot.
Unlike Abe I didn't catch on to what was going on before your denouement.

Could see this getting picked up.
Good luck with it!

Yeah, the foreshadow on page 2 works perfectly 'I did some horrible thing to earn it.' Haha. Great. What this does, in my opinion, is enable the viewer to take part. The smart ass turns around and states the ending, giving everyone what they expect and a reason for smart ass to feel great about themselves. It works because it's all done within 3 pages. By the time smart ass has voiced what everyone is thinking, it's over.

Anyway, that's my opinion. It's easy to film and the dialogue can be worked out later.

Thank you for the feedback, peeps!    (And sorry for the late reply.)

Hey, Dude. Gave this a quick read. Cool twist at the end. :) You are improving so much! Writing is much better than the last script of yours that I read. Still a little messy in spots, and your dialog needs another pass. But, I'm really impressed with how much you've improved in such a short amount of time. Keep at it, Dude. :)

Quoted from Zack Hey, Dude. Gave this a quick read. Cool twist at the end. :) You are improving so much! Writing is much better than the last script of yours that I read. Still a little messy in spots, and your dialog needs another pass. But, I'm really impressed with how much you've improved in such a short amount of time. Keep at it, Dude. :)

Thanks, Zack!