Working Girl by Surina Nel - Series, Drama - A young girl, forced to run away from her abusive stepfather, must fight the clutches of drug addiction and sex trafficking to rise above her circumstances and become the lawyer she always wanted to be. 60 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

:( No one has anything to say? I would so love some feedback

Hi Surina. Welcome to Simply Scripts.

I read the logline and it definitely sounds interesting. 8)

As far as reads and comments go, thread views are just that. The number of times someone has looked at this thread. It does not mean your script has been opened or read. Also, members are more likely to read and comment on scripts by members they know will stick around and contribute back to the community. In other words, read and comment on someone else's script in return. If you do, make sure the writer is still around and the script wasn't posted too long ago. You can also try to do a script exchange. https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-goose/

:)

Sounds great. I read the opening few passages and you know how to write. I'm just being nitpicky here, and I'm sure you would catch this on another edit, but I did notice this.

NICHOLAS McKAY (35) runs behind her, his one hand holding
onto the saddle of her bicycle.

is better like this,

NICHOLAS McKAY (35) runs behind, one hand holding the
saddle of her bicycle.

But... that's just nitpicky. You can write and it sounds like a great story. Hopefully, you stick around.

I'll say a couple of things things before I hit the hay...

Your description of Jeffrey (I think it was him) was perfect for me picturing his sleazy, ugly, predatory arse - excuse my French. I'll find it & copy and paste it tomorrow. You got a lot in there visually so I was able to get a very clear image of him and his character through what he was wearing, which so often does not work via a character's wardrobe alone, so great stuff there.

I agree with Storey. You can write.
I'm not terrifically enamoured with your title to fit your logline, but that may be because of a certain film with Melanie Griffith & Harrison Ford - Romantic Comedy of the same name.

Your logline reads pretty dark so first impressions are that your title is not appropriately sinister enough.

Welcome to SS, Surina!
Like Pia said this site works on generosity and reciprocal reads. I'll post extra some links for you tomorrow to help you navigate the site.

Wow, thank you to everyone who commented. I plan to stick around for a long time. I tend to lurk, but have been part of the community for a while. I am looking to change the title. I was not aware of the Working Girl movie when this named. The new option is Call me Candy.

Surina - had time to read the first ten. I'm just a fellow amateur, so take these comments in that grain.

Overall - I think this is pretty solid writing - There are areas for enhancement.

Quoted Text NICOLAS O.S

Is the wrong format – should be:

NICOLAS (O.S)

Quoted Text KATARINA Hold me Daddy, I'm going to fall.

You need commas before a referred character’s name or title in dialogue. The above should be:

Hold me, Daddy.  I'm going to fall.

Quoted Text KATARINA (frantic) Daddy!

You really don’t need the parenthetical. The situation and the “!” already tell us she’s frantic.
Throughout the script – I think you tend to overuse them just a bit. Don’t know if it will help or not, but here is an old thread on the topic:

https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-screenwrite/m-1553907192/s-new/

In is many places as possible, look to replace pedestrian verbs (walks, runs, enters, sits, etc) with more vibrant ones. E.g.,

Quoted Text Nicholas runs down the street to catch up with Katarina.

Would pop more as –

Nicholas darts toward Katarina.

Look to be as efficient as possible.

This:

Quoted Text He turns to HELENA McKAY (43) who stands next to the moving truck. Helena is a beautiful woman. Her long hair is elegantly tied behind her back. Crowfeet wrinkles around her eyes are evidence of happy times. She seems tired, maybe a little overwhelmed.

Can be shorted to:

He turns to HELENA McKAY (43), beauty fading with age,  tired and a bit overwhelmed.

Just me, but I try to shy away from physical descriptions as much as possible unless they are relevant to character or subsequent action.

e.g., if you have a dude that’s going to be in a lot of fights – something like thick, muscular – built like a linebacker – might be okay because he will be using those physical traits in action.
In the case of Helena – does her hair length matter? Can’t we assume wrinkles for a 43-year old? I haven’t read the rest of the story – so maybe those traits are relevant. But if they are not – then go more towards who they are versus what they look like.

I’m making this up for example purposes – but let's say Helena is the anxious type. You may want to go with something like - HELENA (43) a  perpetual bundle of nerves….

This dialogue

Quoted Text KATARINA You sold the house for this? (scoffs) You got to be kidding... Dad never would’ve approved of this. Helena's eyes speak before she does. HELENA If your dad manned up for what he did instead of choosing the easy way out, we wouldn’t be in this position. KATARINA Dad is gone... Leave him out of this. HELENA But you can bring him up whenever you want? Doleful, Helena shakes her head. She drops the box she carried on the ground, looks at Katarina. HELENA (cont'd) You know what..

Is a little on the nose for me – to exposition laden as they are sharing info with each other they already know – it makes it sound inorganic.  The above can be boiled down to essentially something like:

KATARINA
You got to be kidding. You sold the house for this?
... Dad never would’ve approved.

HELENA
Dad put us in this position.

Get the exposition to us somewhere else – e.g.  Helena talking to a neighbor before the move on why they have to go. Avoid having two people familiar with a situation talking about it for our sakes.

Anyway - just my thoughts - I believe there is quite a bit of talent here.

thank you for this. English is not a first language, and I have not been writing all that long. I love input like this. It helps me improve. Thank you so much

Quoted from Surina thank you for this. English is not a first language, and I have not been writing all that long. I love input like this. It helps me improve. Thank you so much

No problem.  Of you are new at this.. you have made a fabulous start. It comes across is a seasoned writer

Thank you. I started writing about 3 years ago. A wonderful, supportive screenwriting group on zoom helped me tremendously.

Said I'd post this.
Interesting too that Dave said:

Quoted from eldave1 Just me, but I try to shy away from physical descriptions as much as possible unless they are relevant to character or subsequent action. ...

While I agree wholeheartedly with this in principle re a character's wardrobe only to indicate character, I love some of your character descriptions. This one (below) specifically reminded me of Burt Reynolds when he was getting on in years, ala Boogie Nights:

JEFFREY MAXWELL (59) carries a bunch of flowers and a bottle of wine. Jeffrey tries too hard to keep his age at bay. His fake tan gives his skin the look of old leather. The black jeans fit too tight, the big buckle on his belt is too big. Everything about Jeffrey is just too much.

Loved it!

Anyway, some links you might find helpful:

New Person's Guide to Simply Scripts:
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-cc/m-1124159895/

Screenwriting Class
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-screenwrite/

Tell us a bit about yourself here (if you want)...
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/

Script Review Exchange
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-goose/

Quoted from LC Said I'd post this. Interesting too that Dave said: While I agree wholeheartedly with this in principle re a character's wardrobe only to indicate character, I love some of your character descriptions. This one (below) specifically reminded me of Burt Reynolds when he was getting on in years, ala Boogie Nights: JEFFREY MAXWELL (59) carries a bunch of flowers and a bottle of wine. Jeffrey tries too hard to keep his age at bay. His fake tan gives his skin the look of old leather. The black jeans fit too tight, the big buckle on his belt is too big. Everything about Jeffrey is just too much. Loved it! Anyway, some links you might find helpful: New Person's Guide to Simply Scripts: https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-cc/m-1124159895/ Screenwriting Class https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-screenwrite/ Tell us a bit about yourself here (if you want)... https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/ Script Review Exchange https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-goose/

Thank you, I will check it out. Much appreciated

Quoted from LC Said I'd post this. Interesting too that Dave said: While I agree wholeheartedly with this in principle re a character's wardrobe only to indicate character, I love some of your character descriptions. This one (below) specifically reminded me of Burt Reynolds when he was getting on in years, ala Boogie Nights: JEFFREY MAXWELL (59) carries a bunch of flowers and a bottle of wine. Jeffrey tries too hard to keep his age at bay. His fake tan gives his skin the look of old leather. The black jeans fit too tight, the big buckle on his belt is too big. Everything about Jeffrey is just too much. Loved it!

That was top-notch.  The physical traits are adeptly used to tell us about his personality.

This is a goodie from Training Day

DETECTIVE SERGEANT ALONZO, in a flannel shirt, reading the paper in a booth.  The gun leather tough LAPD vet is a hands-on, blue-collar cop who can kick your ass with a  look.

I think the best way to view it is if you are going to describe looks - tells us what they mean in terms of character traits.

Quoted from Surina thank you for this. English is not a first language, and I have not been writing all that long. I love input like this. It helps me improve. Thank you so much

I'm totally shocked that you're not native. I can usually tell ESL writers. Kudos!

Quoted from eldave1 That was top-notch.  The physical traits are adeptly used to tell us about his personality. This is a goodie from Training Day DETECTIVE SERGEANT ALONZO, in a flannel shirt, reading the paper in a booth.  The gun leather tough LAPD vet is a hands-on, blue-collar cop who can kick your ass with a  look. I think the best way to view it is if you are going to describe looks - tells us what they mean in terms of character traits.

Thank you. Love the description of Detective sergeant Alonzo.

Quoted from Storey_Matters I'm totally shocked that you're not native. I can usually tell ESL writers. Kudos!

Oh wow, thank you for this, it means an awful lot. It took a lot of work to get the Afrikaans out of my system and writing.