Hey all, I have a 19 page script adapted from an unfinished short story I wrote.  If anyone is willing to read it, I'd be happy to read someone else's script in return.  I'm willing to read a script of any genre or length, but if it's more than 90 pages it might take me a while to get back to you with review.

This is my very first stab at writing a screenplay so I'm happy for any basic advice about what works, what doesn't work, etc.

Title: Lords and Ladies

Genre: Black Comedy / Crime

Length: 19 pages

Logline: A pair of semi-competent bank employees get embroiled in small-town mafia shenanigans in this black comedic crime short.

Link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Q2IITr95PrJNJaOqDjEhpbqWXBiIXBZk/view

I am new to this business even though I have written stage stuff including pantomime. I have frustrated everyone here with a new British comedy script which need looking at.


I wouldn’t describe it as comedy but I am Irish. Living in the UK brought up with BBC comedy.

Who are John and Theo? Ages(?) surnames? Appearances? I would change name of slick, make him a beast of a man not to be challenged. Maybe this slick is under pressure from a bigger boss and is shitting himself that he isn’t coming up with the goods and secretly wants to disappear. Probably new to the money laundering game. Need more characters in bank asking awkward and annoying questions to a highly strung Theo. Bit more tension and clumsiness .

And to go further. You could frame Slick and they split the bank money between them.

Thanks for sharing Lords and Ladies.



The characters seemed rather two dimensional to me (not sure if that makes sense). They didn't engage my sympathy very much. I just didn't care about them and didn't feel vested.

Slick seemed quite a cliche.

I didn't understand some of the detail you included - eg clothes and bushes etc. I would be tempted to trim out as much as possible.

I wanted the pace to be much quicker. There seems to be quite a bit of waiting for days to end. etc It got better later.

At times, there is a lot of character description that could be shown with dialogue eg He wants
to speak, but he’s struggling to express what he wants to say.

I also think the bank employees would be constrained by policies that they would be obliged to follow rather than just sending money out in a case etc And if they are breaking their guidelines, then why not break some laws too. I didn't get what they valued/ motivated them.

I didn't like Theo talking to himself about John getting killed - felt too much telling the viewer etc rather than 'natural' conversation.

I was confused why Slick had a bag when he storms off with the money from the wallet?

I didn't feel much tension with Slick's threats. Maybe I just didn't care much what happened to the characters?

I liked the twist but why fill out a police report? Why wouldn't Theo just keep the money? I also though the muted reaction to near death didn't ring true.

I also didn't get the two separate parts - why the Lords and Ladies bit? It seems just about Slick's threats etc. I wanted to know why the debt originated - I assume the laptop.

Hope feedback is helpful - I mean it constructively. Sorry if it sounds negative!


Good luck with it

Jason