Quoted Text INT.CORRIDOR - DAY |
Quoted Text DEREK, a young man in his 20s is sitting against a heater rummaging through his rucksack. |
Quoted Text He lays out in front of him: a hammer,a tie,a bottle of water,a photo of a smiling boy, and a plastic bag. |
Quoted Text He clenches his fist around the bottle as he chugs it down, he wipes his mouth with his sleeve. He picks up the image of the boy and stares intently for a beat. |
Quoted Text Derek quickly stuffs the photo into his pocket. |
Quoted from eldave1 Took a look at your opening 1/3rd. Headers are formatted incorrectly. This: Should be: INT. CORRIDOR - DAY (you are missing a space between INT. and CORRIDOR). Also - Corridor of what? House? Hospital? Factory - use your header to help set the location. e.g., INT. HOUSE - CORRIDOR - DAY Try to be more efficient by eliminating unnecessary words. Look at your first sentence. We know he's a man by his name. We know he is young by his age. So just: DEREK (20s). Right in the active sense. Rather than: Derek is sitting.... - go with Derek sits... A bit awkward - where is he getting these things to "lay out" - Just have them in front of him. i.e., On the floor in front of Derek, a hammer.... Again - a bit overwritten. Just - Derek chugs back the water, stares off in the distance. DEREK Be strong. "Stuffs" implies quickly - Just - Derek pockets the photo... Hope this helps |
Quoted from scrawlx101 Thank you - about action lines and subtext how can I include this in my script? Are there any exercises to help with writing more actively? |