Cursing in the Rain by Dawn Tilldusk - Short, Drama - When it rains it pours. Jeff and his home city of New York find that out. To the extreme. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Well paced and a story well told. I cannae find any fault, Captain. I would have liked to have found out what happened to his wife and daughter, but I assumed the reference to the shark and the 6-year-old took care of that.

I'd drop the location element of the Timestamp, most cameras don't allow more than the time, hence the name. And given your setting is New York I'd just have him film a landmark or something so we know - subtler too.

I think the first few pages of this are good, interesting take on the natural disaster element with a biblical flood, liked that.

But for me it ran out of steam a little in last couple of pages, and I'm not sure who found this footage either.

Decent effort.

I was getting into the story until the part where the sharks were in the stairwell. That took me to the movie SHARKNADO. Also the found footage criteria seemed to keep changing back and forth. I was trying to visualize what NYC would look like with flooding up to the top floor. But I could appreciate the Biblical flood prophase reference.  

This was a nail-biter for me. Really liked the story. Well written, very skillfully ratcheted up the tension with very believable increasing hysterics.

Sure there are stories about catastrophic title waves or endless rain drowning entire cities, but I can't think of a water disaster story where it's one man's story. If it's one guy, it's usually in a cave, room or a container where there's no escaping the water as it rises and we leave him with his nose pressed to the ceiling taking one last gasp.

I loved the magnitude of the disaster as experienced by one person and the unexpected appearance of sharks (dun-dun-dun-dun) near the 20th floor. It was more terrifying for me than amusing. Not only am I going to drown, I could be chomped up by a shark before that.

What I didn't understand is how Jeff got from his apartment to the top of the Empire State Building. In context of the relentless rain it seems impossible...and unnecessary.  I think the same story can be told if Jeff was living in a 40 story building.  All that matters is that he has no way to escape the inevitable from the roof. And at 40 stories high, it's still an unimaginable water level!

I do think the story could possibly rise to another level if in fact it became a Found Footage film, which I don't think it is now. I get the feeling that in the end when Jeff says, "I hope you find this footage," he let's go of the phone and it floats away just before the smash cut to black.

In the spirit of writers sharing ideas,  may I offer a "what if."

Suppose, somewhere, someone later finds Jeff's phone after the deluge. But of course, after being in water for how long, it won't work. So that person never sees what happened and throws it away.  They don't have to see the story, because we did. So basically it's a Found Footage story but the footage is never found!

It just one more way Jeff gets screwed in the end because his story is never told. It drowns with him.

Yeah liked this one, there is a good tension build, no real problems with the writing, little messy here and there with all the timestamps ect, but nicely enough written.

The level of the deluge is probably a little far fetched, but hey ho, we gotta dream up something.

Maybe lost a little momentum in the last third (the rain certainly didn't lol) but I did enjoy Jeff's rant at the world for not coming to New Yorks's aid.

Not sure about the sharks, were they needed? The rain is plenty enough an enemy.

Happy that you met the criteria though,

Good effort, good luck!

A few notes as I go:

... I have nothing... wait!

• Page 3. pitch-back should be pitch-black.
  

That's it. That's all I got.

It's well written, it has a beginning, middle, and end.

There isn't much beyond the surface of the story, but there doesn't always need to be some life lesson in a story.
Sometimes it's just a story.

Well done. Thank you.

-Jordan

Ahoy writer,

I won't do my normal verbose critique. Mainly because I don't have to. There's very little wrong with this.  And I'm not going to nitpick. Just a few things -  at least Jeff doesn't swear like a Dutch sailor. I swear pretty frequently. Shakespeare had a pottymouth too, you know.  So the f-bombs did add flavor and texture, but too many tend to lose some, if not all of its intensity, and meaning when its used in every other sentence. Just words of wisdom.

Good job. Best of Irish luck! :)-A

Excellent job with the set-up here.
Credibility was stretched imho as to how high that water level rose, and I think the Sharks were a step too far maybe...

Listen  to  the  patter...
A patter is typically a light sound so given your description earlier I'd rethink and use a more powerful word.

Spell out numbers in dialogue - five feet. There's forty of us.

Your parentheticals are all over the joint. Don't Cap them either.
                  Jeff
           (chews over it)
          
And you appear to have omitted a word in Jeff's character description.
I'm sensing a rush to the OWC finish line.

Character work was very nice.
Jeff is a hoot. I really liked him.

I really liked this dialogue in particular:

Kudos to Samsung by the way,  
your water resistance is the shit.  
Sorry I can't rate it.

On the one hand I think a plot that's a bit more grounded (no pun intended) with the formula you used could be great.

On the other hand it's a nice near-hysterical over the top commentary and cautionary tale on climate change mixed with humour.
Hyper-stylized 3D visuals ala Love, Death, Robots and it could work.
I agree with Andrea that you should scale back the eff words at the end. Try to be more creative, maybe inject a bit more tragicomedy.

Hmm, this has a few trademark Aussie word usages in dialogue.
Very interesting...

Really love the concept here, but unfortunately, the execution just isn't quite there. I think this one needs another pass. A few notes...

Dialog is a little off at times. Makes me question whether or not English is your first language.

Your prose is okay, though it did get a little confusing in parts. Perhaps you wrote this one in a hurry?

Cars and buses wouldn't be floating near the top of the Empire State Building.

Did Jeff switch buildings at some point? This needs to be made clear.

I do like Jeff. You did a good job of crafting a likable lead.

Good effort here. I'd be curious to read a cleaned-up draft.

That'd be a crazy sight to see, standing on top of the empire state building and there's nothing but water all around you.

This is a good story, well written.

The only nitpick I have really is the size of the dialogue blocks in some areas, but it's just a nitpick.

I'm wondering why there were no boats at all, especially in an area like New York.

Anyways, good work.

Good job here, nicely written, a fairly interesting main character,
and a solid story. I was hoping for a definite character change. I thought
of this guy as a news guy reporting from home, but maybe he's a vlogger
with a YouTube channel.
The reason I mention the news character aspect is because my niece works
as a TV news producer and she occasionally mentions how the station's
news celebrities (in front of the camera) might be popular with the viewers, but behind the scenes,
some are rife with hangups and are holy terrors. Narcissistic and temperamental.
I thought it might be fun to see this guy go from the cheery, optimistic
weather guy or anchor man to a chronic complainer and hater. well, that
isn't the direction you may want to go, so it's just something I'm tossing
out there.
I think once the story establishes the incessant rainfall and the rising water
level, it drags a little by the end. Maybe reduce the story by 1/2 or 1 page and I think
it would be just as good, if not better.
One thing of note, is that it could use another wrinkle of tension. I'm thinking
Jeff has a hidden fear, such as he has a touch of aquaphobia or perhaps he can't
swim and this condition mounts because there is no sign of rescue. Maybe a
condition he might share on his video.
Regardless, this is a pretty nice effort. One of the better entries.
Good luck.

Hi writer,

Oh, man… this was Biblical. I’m guessing the rain was a global thing, flooding the ocean’s n’ such. Reminded me of an old joke:

Dude is atop a building as the flood waters come.

Guy comes along in a canoe and says; “I’ll save you, get in!”

Drowning guy says; “No thanks, God will save me!”

Later, another guy comes along in a motorboat and says; “get in, I’ll save you!”

Drowning guy says; “No thanks, God will save me!”

Then finally, a helicopter comes along and the pilot screams out; “I’ll throw down a rope and save you!”

Drowning guy says; “No thanks, God will save me!”

Guy drowns and is at the pearly gates, he says to God; “Hey, what the hell, thought you would save me?!”

God says; “I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what more do want, kid?”

Anyway, I liked it, smells like a contender. Writing’s good as well, kept me engaged till the end. Did not know they had waterproof cellphones now, shows how much I get out. Mind you, if I had a waterproof phone then I could watch lewd videos in the shower, and I’d really never get out. I used to never go out, I still don’t, but I never used to, too. Best of luck.

Quoted from Gum Mind you, if I had a waterproof phone then I could watch lewd videos in the shower, and I’d really never get out. I used to never go out, I still don’t, but I never used to, too.

LMAO!  ;D ;D ;D