The Package by John Stone - Short, Drama - A Film Noir Short. 14 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi,

I found this story engaging and was invested in where it was going. If I'm gonna be honest I didn't quite grasp it in the end but enjoyed the journey getting there.

You definitely have your own style of writing which is great as there is no wrong way or right way to write as long as people can follow it.

Though I did feel you over-complicated your writing at times -

'His piercing eyes reflect his thoughts, as his tongue shoots
from his mouth like a lizard in a jungle somewhere.'

That for example, I feel should be kept simple -

'He stares with lecherous intent, provokes her with his tongue.'

On the other hand, I did really like your visual descriptions -  Had this visualisation of Christina as like a smouldering 'Jessica Rabbit' type.  That worked for me :)

In the end though, I just didn't get the story as a whole - Who was John/Fedora man? What was the strange scene with him and the pimp all about?

I checked out the painting - which I feel is pretty ambiguous. I guess you perhaps created an ambiguous story to match it?

Anyway, was good work.

Hi,
I googled the painting, digested what I just read. I actually find the concept/story intriguing, assuming my interpretation is not too far off.

It's different. The style is very different, but maybe that's what you set out to achieve, I don't know.

The painting tells a story with John being the Man with the fedora hat in the painting and Christina being the Woman in the red dress.

I'm not sure if the painter had a story in mind when painting it.

At the end of the script, why not have John staring at the painting in a gallery. He's so obsessed with the painting, in trance. It takes someone to tap his shoulder and call his name to jerk him back to reality. That way, we the reader get a feel for how the story was created and told, in John's mind. John is "thinking" the story, putting himself in the story/fantasy, his obsession. These are all my own thoughts. Not even sure you had this mind.

Sometimes, the feel is almost like a mix of animation/real-life.
The Package was also interesting, in the wrong hands and Christina will be in trouble.

Some nit-picks and thoughts, IMO.
* In Action, characters are only capped when introduced.
* Why not give the MAN and WOMAN names and ages when introduced.
* Same name, DRIVER is used for two characters, distinguish them.
* Some headlines/slugs are incomplete, remove period at the end of a headline. Also make headlines distinctive (APARTMENT). I assume we're not in the same apartment. Missing Headline after Flashback.
* CUT TO:, SFX:, CU:, BACK TO:, POV:, not needed. I consider a spec script a blue-print for a film, these transitions play more of a role in Production scripts.
* Italics not needed.
* Some Action was overdone (P8: His piercing eyes ...) keep it tight, visual and lean.
* (OS) should be (O.S.)
* CONT'D isn't really used that much anymore.
* Period after page numbers and page numbers should be on the top right.
* The line spacing seems a little odd.
* No need to cap words in Action, unless it is really necessary.

Not sure what the purpose of the Pimp and the Hooker?
How did John know the DRIVER was dead? maybe I missed something.
I thought the Hooded Assailant died on p11, but appears on P13. Maybe I missed something.
P11: Is the Hooded Assailant and Thug the same character? If so, I would stick with Hooded Assailant.
Typo P17: 10. INT. ART GALLERY .... -- remove 10.

I did enjoy reading it, not sure if my interpretation is close to what you intended.

Good luck.
Frank