A Kind Gesture by Yuvraj Rajwanshi - Short, Drama - An attempted car theft takes a bizarre turn for a desperate young man. 9 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Thanks, Don, for posting.

Hey, Yuvraj!
Few comments for you.
Overall this was really entertaining.

ANDREW
Well, I hope she's no economy
student 'cause that answer's lame.

Here (above) it would be economics student cause you're talking about a field of study.

ANDREW
Then let's just say that in this
present economy, no fucking savings
gonna put your ass behind the
wheels of that car.

Funny line, made me chuckle.


DALE
Tomorrow I'm gonna complete three
years with my girlfriend. So... I
hoped for a surprise for her.

Suggestion: Tomorrow's the three year anniversary with my girl.
I wanted to surprise her.

There's more opportunity for comedy/humour there too, imho.
ANDREW
Your lose!

Should be 'your loss'. Or, you lose.

DALE
What you'll get helping me? What
the fuck you'll get!?

Suggest something like:
What the fuck do you get/gain out of helping
a sap like me?

No cops and
nothing of that sorts.

Suggestion: No cops, I promise.
Nothing of the sort.

And also I'm
running outta patience here.

I don't think you need 'and' to preface. Up to you though.
Suggestion:
I gotta say, I'm running
out of patience here.

DALE
You're willing and... And
forcefully giving me your car.

Suggestion:
You're willing/going to actually give me your car...?
Or, you might want to change the word 'forcefully' to voluntarily.

DALE
I'll drop the car tomorrow night.
Right here.

Suggestion:
I'll drop the car back tomorrow night
Right here in this spot.

The Girlfriend won't be happy about that, surely? Why not just make it that Andrew's giving up the car for good - he's said he's a good samaritan, feels sorry for Dale down on his luck. I'd play that up a bit.

You not gonna fool me[/i]
Would be better as: You're not fooling me one bit.

Dale's phone rings. He picks it.
He picks it up, or answers the call.

DALE
I don't feel good about this.
Maybe he asks: What's the catch?

This text needs a bit of work. Our thing?
It reads: U son of bitch u fuck with us fucking rat u take
our thing now u r gone go hide motherfucker u will pay for
this with ur life.

A smile of pride.
A satisfied or smug smile perhaps?

The final line: Thanks, Dale. Did they ever exchange names?
How do we know his name? Unless they mentioned Dale by name on the news report but apparently Andrew watches it without sound.

Dale asks what's in the suitcase. That's not needed imho.
I got already what the set-up was and so will others, so you don't need to spoon-feed your audience.

The big plus in this is that I enjoyed the situation and banter and humour. It's terrific. I think you could play it up even more.

The biggest problem I have is the somewhat predictable and downer ending.

I want Dale to come out on top in the end, and be smarter than he first appears.
Maybe it'd be a longer script but if you pared back some of the to and fro in the beginning and then Dale surprises us by passing the car off to someone else just down the road, he could suprise his girlfriend with a decent gift (maybe jewellery) you'd have a feel-good ending, and a bit of a twist as well.

Lots of potential here and I enjoyed it thoroughly save for the ending.

Thanks, Libby, for sparing your precious time to read and give suggestions on my script.

Great suggestions you have given here.

Quoted Text ANDREW Well, I hope she's no economy student 'cause that answer's lame. Here (above) it would be economics student cause you're talking about a field of study.

Even though the sentence is grammatically correct (that's what Grammarly says, you just need to replace 'cause with because), I left it like that to indicate human imperfections. We normally say grammatically incorrect sentences in our daily lives.    

Quoted Text The final line: Thanks, Dale. Did they ever exchange names? How do we know his name? Unless they mentioned Dale by name on the news report but apparently Andrew watches it without sound.

Damn! How did I miss this? I'll correct it.

I'll work on these (and other suggestions) and update the script.

Quoted Text you'd have a feel-good ending, and a bit of a twist as well

I'm no big fan of feel-good stories and movies. It's just my personal choice.

Quoted Text The biggest problem I have is the somewhat predictable and downer ending. Lots of potential here and I enjoyed it thoroughly save for the ending

I'll probably post a second ending to this soon! I have one in mind.  

Thanks once again.

Hey Yuv

Thanks for posting it. I read it really quickly and it was efficiently and cleanly written. I like your clarity and immediateness.

Some subjective stuff that bothered me:

The waitress saying "As you wish" was a little odd. Robotic. Especially in the broader context of her other lines of dialogue being more colloquial. It's like she turned into an 1800's Jeeves butler for a moment.

Page 3/4 - it's not a specific line, but the interaction between Dale and Andrew feels to writerly/convenient. By which I mean there's little actual reasoning for Dale to stay behind and talk to Andrew for so long. I can't imagine many people caught red handed committing grand theft auto (jail time) would linger to chat so casually for so long. I think you need to find a situation or device that forces Dale to stay there for so long and take away the option of leaving.  

Also - Andrew's first guess is that Dale is stealing the car "for a special occasion", AND that's the correct guess? I don't know that that's a frequent reason to steal a car. It wouldn't even by my tenth guess. Odd.

Dale calls the theft the "awkward situation" which is an odd choice of words. It made me think that maybe it was a joke on purpose.

I'm not a car thief (just to clarify) but Dale's reasoning for stealing a car is odd. As a gift? To his wife? It's a shitty gift - if she's caught driving it, she'll get charged. I know people remove the plates and identification from stolen cars and re-register them but it doesnt seem like Dale intended to do that on the way home. Unless there's some missing context in their relationship in which they both enjoy stealing nice cars.

Page 7 - hardly a forceful interaction. Dale's continued choice to stay nearby to Andrew despite having the opportunity to flee multiple times and not being forced to give him any info strains even more credulity. Again - you need to include some sort of plot device that justifies Dale's continued presence with Andrew, some reason he can't leave.

Page 9 - Wait does Andrew know Dale's name? I don't remember them exchanging pleasantries.

As I said - this was cleanly written an easy to read. I can definitely see the value in the premise. Your "punchline" wasn't super obvious and was relatively subtly handled. I do think finding a more pressing reason for Dale to stay with Andrew, a reason he couldn't leave -- and changing some of the odder dialogue choices -- would make this much much stronger.

Hope that's helpful :)

Overall, I did enjoy the read. Crisp writing, fun dialogue.

Whilst I think it is creative, I just couldn't my head around the morality of the story --

What does Andrew get out of this?

He just seems to get Dale killed, where it doesn't really benefit him. The Gangsters will still be after him - In fact, he and his suitcase should be halfway to China instead of standing nearby on the street conversing with Dale.

So the ending and the overall ethics of the story didn't work for me - but I should still give you kudos for writing an engaging and clever tale.  

Thanks, Ben and Colin, for reading and commenting.

Quoted from AlsoBen I'm not a car thief (just to clarify) but Dale's reasoning for stealing a car is odd. As a gift? To his wife? It's a shitty gift - if she's caught driving it, she'll get charged. I know people remove the plates and identification from stolen cars and re-register them but it doesn't seem like Dale intended to do that on the way home. Unless there's some missing context in their relationship in which they both enjoy stealing nice cars.

I know some logical things don't add up. I just wanted to write something fast-paced absurd and somewhat talky story.

Quoted from ColinS He just seems to get Dale killed, where it doesn't really benefit him. The Gangsters will still be after him - In fact, he and his suitcase should be halfway to China instead of standing nearby on the street conversing with Dale. So the ending and the overall ethics of the story didn't work for me - but I should still give you kudos for writing an engaging and clever tale.

I know that it ain't that ethical in terms of delivery but I wrote it on the face value for some fun!

Thanks again.

Updated with the provided suggestions (well with some of it), not the ending though.

Thank you for reading everyone.

I do like your writing but some of the dialogue didn't seem natural,  "Oh shit! These punks will never understand. Always wanna land in trouble"  I don't think a waitress would be that casual if she saw someone steal your car.

Plus I don't think a car thief would hang around and have a conversation with the owner of the car, I would imagine Dale would be thinking you were delaying him until the cops arrive.

I'm not sure about the ending, I don't know why he set Dale up, if Andrew was in trouble why didn't he just skip town. They would have found out it wasn't Andrew in the car fairly fast and came looking for him.

Thank you for reading and commenting.

Quoted from amajon1981 I do like your writing but some of the dialogue didn't seem natural,  "Oh shit! These punks will never understand. Always wanna land in trouble"  I don't think a waitress would be that casual if she saw someone steal your car.

I tried to show that it wasn't the first time someone like Dale was messing around her workplace. She's just used to it.  

Quoted from amajon1981 Plus I don't think a car thief would hang around and have a conversation with the owner of the car, I would imagine Dale would be thinking you were delaying him until the cops arrive.

I understand the logic behind that but sometimes we need to stretch the logic just for the sake of telling the story. And plus, to keep it low budget. Otherwise, this would've turned out to be a chase across the country.  :)

Quoted from amajon1981 I'm not sure about the ending, I don't know why he set Dale up, if Andrew was in trouble why didn't he just skip town. They would have found out it wasn't Andrew in the car fairly fast and came looking for him.

Coz Andrew was confident that he can fool them and they were also unaware of his whereabouts.

Thank you once again.

It takes seconds to steal a car, Anna would know that if she didn't react fast it would be tool late: she would probably knock at the window to frighten him off from instinct. I lived in a bad area for a time and witnessed that happen more than once.

I understand that you want to keep the budget down, I just thought if he was cornered or something it would make more sense.

Over all I did like the story and see you are making big improvements with every new script.

Quoted from amajon1981 It takes seconds to steal a car, Anna would know that if she didn't react fast it would be tool late: she would probably knock at the window to frighten him off from instinct. I lived in a bad area for a time and witnessed that happen more than once.

Dale isn't a pro in stealing cars. This was his first time (he mentions it in his dialog) out of utter stupid desperation. So, we can forgive him for been lousy.  ;D

Quoted from amajon1981 I understand that you want to keep the budget down, I just thought if he was cornered or something it would make more sense. Over all I did like the story and see you are making big improvements with every new script.

Thanks again for commenting.

Hey Yuvraj,

Overall, an interesting short story. I like the concept, the set-up, but didn't care too much for the ending.
A better twist might be to have Dale somehow come out on top, outsmarting Andrew. Just a thought.

Keep dialogue and action lean. Maybe scale back on some of the chit-chat between Andrew and Dale. I would think Dale is in a hurry to get going, but I understand hesitant.

Also try to make some of the dialogue a little snappier. EX: the first dialogue between Waitress Anna and Andrew.
ANNA: "Not again."
She yanks a phone from her apron.
Andrew raises a hand.
ANDREW: "I'll take care of it."

Here are some nit-picks and thoughts:
* FADE IN: missing.
* P1: "Late hours. Only one CAR in the area." - Late hours not needed and CAR doesn't need to be capped, IMO.
* P1: How does Dale try to steal the car, show me.
* P1: The description of the DINER doesn't show me anything.
* P6: "Dale waits a long moment - deciding - but more than that, feeling uncomfortable." -- telling me.
* P7: I believe emphasis in dialogue should be underlined, no italics (forcefully).
* P8: "Dale reverses the car and positions it towards the exit." -- Instead (The car backs up.)
* P9: "Dale steps on the gas and heads towards the exit." -- Instead (The car roars toward the exit.)
* P9: "The footage shows Dale on the driver's seat. Dead." -- wouldn't there be a sheet draped over Dale.
* P9: INT. MOTEL ROOM - MORNING
"News flashes on a TV" -- Instead (News flashes on a TV with no sound). That takes care of "But we don't hear it."
"Andrew doesn't seem to be bothered at all and finishes his sandwich." -- Instead (Andrew finishes the sandwich). All you need.
* General: Words like begins, starts are fillers, not needed. Words like comes, moves, looks, walks, etc. are very generic, make it more visual and exciting.

Good work and good luck.

Frank

Quoted from FrankH Hey Yuvraj, Overall, an interesting short story. I like the concept, the set-up, but didn't care too much for the ending. A better twist might be to have Dale somehow come out on top, outsmarting Andrew. Just a thought. Keep dialogue and action lean. Maybe scale back on some of the chit-chat between Andrew and Dale. I would think Dale is in a hurry to get going, but I understand hesitant. Also try to make some of the dialogue a little snappier. EX: the first dialogue between Waitress Anna and Andrew. ANNA: "Not again." She yanks a phone from her apron. Andrew raises a hand. ANDREW: "I'll take care of it." Here are some nit-picks and thoughts: * FADE IN: missing. * P1: "Late hours. Only one CAR in the area." - Late hours not needed and CAR doesn't need to be capped, IMO. * P1: How does Dale try to steal the car, show me. * P1: The description of the DINER doesn't show me anything. * P6: "Dale waits a long moment - deciding - but more than that, feeling uncomfortable." -- telling me. * P7: I believe emphasis in dialogue should be underlined, no italics (forcefully). * P8: "Dale reverses the car and positions it towards the exit." -- Instead (The car backs up.) * P9: "Dale steps on the gas and heads towards the exit." -- Instead (The car roars toward the exit.) * P9: "The footage shows Dale on the driver's seat. Dead." -- wouldn't there be a sheet draped over Dale. * P9: INT. MOTEL ROOM - MORNING "News flashes on a TV" -- Instead (News flashes on a TV with no sound). That takes care of "But we don't hear it." "Andrew doesn't seem to be bothered at all and finishes his sandwich." -- Instead (Andrew finishes the sandwich). All you need. * General: Words like begins, starts are fillers, not needed. Words like comes, moves, looks, walks, etc. are very generic, make it more visual and exciting. Good work and good luck. Frank

Thank you, Frank, for reading and commenting. Really helpful feedback. Thank you once again.

Hey Yuvraj, I like the idea here, and how it has a vicious little ending.

My main comment on this would be that the discussion between Dale and Andrew goes on for a while, and it feels a little repetitive.

Chopping some of it would be good, or upping the stakes in some way to change the dynamic of why Andrew is so keen to give the car away (from Dale's perspective) would give a bit more credibility to why Andrew would be so insistent.

Could be something like a small bet for it, asking a question with the right answer being the car gifted, or, Andrew literally giving something to Dale to provide him reassurance (for example, it could be a note, which is actually a coded note for the shooters; a note which would be meaningless to anyone but the shooters; or even something that would give some symbolic imagery).

My feeling is this would shift the dynamic a little, and really aid in giving this short a more solid beginning, middle and end.

Just some thoughts :)

Good luck with it.
A