Happy Holi-DNA by Kathy Cranford - Romantic Comedy - When a young woman submits her DNA to a registry, little does she suspect how discovering her family ties will jeopardize her romance with a new found love, in this light-hearted, holiday-themed look at modern science versus the modern family. 94 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Another movie poster experiment. It’s fun making your characters come to life with photos

https://i.postimg.cc/GhdNnsdv/A5-DEED03-9-AE8-4-BC1-A02-A-7-EBF1-C85-E2-AF.jpg

Just bumping this back up in case anyone hasn't had enough "Hallmark Christmas Movies" yet this season and in the mood to read some more.  You know they're going to live happily ever after, right?  Never enough Christmas out there!  Happy Holidays everyone!

Kathy

Link:  Happy HoliDNA

https://drive.google.com/file/d/13OMEzisKB_tbKV4w8GHkcYFBJKn28xGO/view?usp=sharing

Hey Kathy, you might consider removing the access request from your file.
It's usually quiet this time of year but you'll have a better chance of a response and feedback if it's a simple no-wait process to download.

Edit: I see you took the lock and key off. All good!

Kathy:

You are too good of a storyteller not to also be a good screenwriter.  Just on the first few pages --

You have to blank pages right after your title page.

Then you open with this:

Quoted Text EXT. THE SKYLINE OF SEATTLE - DAY WE CLOSE IN ON A LARGE MODERN BUILDING. AS WE GET CLOSER WE SEE THE SIGN ON THE DOORS “DISTRICT ATTORNEY’S OFFICE”

None of which is correct. You have an orphan EXT, then have a series of CAPPED words that should not be CAPPED. This should simply be:

EXT. SEATTLE SKYLINE – DAY

We close in on a large modern building….

AND – don’t waste the scene. You’re writing a Christmas movie. So, if you are going to open in Seattle – open Christmassy. For example:

EXT. DOWNTOWN SEATTLE – DAY

A light snow sprinkles on SHOPPERS bustling on the city streets.

Decorated Christmas trees pepper the sidewalks.

Not that exactly – put the point being, if you are going to open here (And I’m not sure you can’t just open inside the office  – then make it payoff with setting a Christmas tone.

Quoted Text INT. ASSISTANT D.A.’S OFFICE – DAY

Again – this is the wrong format. It should be:

INT. ASSISTANT D.A.’S OFFICE – DAY

This:

Quoted Text A sign on the office door reads: “E. Margaret Pearson, Chief Assistant D. A.

Kind of doesn’t make sense – if we are already in the office (INT) why would be seeing the sign on the door??? Office door signs face outwards (i.e., towards the corridor)

Look to break up any action or description blocks more than 4 lines – they kill the read and give a sense of density. Also – look for ways to be more efficient. Several of your words could be removed without changing the clarity and in some cases they need to go because they are unfilmable (i.e., we can’t really see or hear it – stuff like Sarah is not only her assistant but her friend – there is no way to film that. So, cutting out some stuff --


SARAH ELLIS, a paralegal, late (20s), a little frumpy perhaps
sits at a her desk which is currently overrun with Christmas
decor - a small tacky tree, an elf on the shelf and cheap tinsel
strung about. SARAH plainly loves Christmas. She “oohs and
ahhs” over some image on her smartphone. A young woman
approaches. Late 20s, professional, polished. This is E.
MARGARET “MEGGIE” PEARSON, she carries a legal file in one
hand, brief case in the other. She stops to take in the
sight. SARAH is not only her assistant but her friend and
confidant.[/quote]

Then break it up for changes in action (i.e., break when the camera would move). E.g.,

SARAH ELLIS (20s), frumpy, perched at a desk overrun with Christmas
decor - a small tacky tree, an elf on the shelf and cheap tinsel. She “oohs and ahhs”
over some image on her smartphone.

MARGARET “MEGGIE” PEARSON (late 20s), professional, polished clasping a legal file in one
hand and a briefcase in the other approaches – takes in Sarah’s desk.

Quoted Text MEGGIE rolls her eyes at her friend then changes the subject

Like this one above – you have several sentences with no period at the end.

Also – you continue to CAP MEGGIE and SARAH. Characters are only capped when first introduced.

You can lose a lot of your actor’s directions. E.g., :

Quoted Text She can’t find the right words SARAH is still smitten.

Are not needed.

In my opinion, because of your storytelling strengths, and your sense of character you have a ton of potential as a writer. However, you do need to spend some time earning the craft of screenwriting (formatting rules, scene headers, proper use of parentheticals, etc.) as people will open and close scripts the minute they run across errors in them.

Hope this helps.

Kathy, I'm sure I gave notes on the opening of this. Maybe it was a WIP thread?

In my opinion, because of your storytelling strengths, and your sense of character you have a ton of potential as a writer. However, you do need to spend some time earning the craft of screenwriting (formatting rules, scene headers, proper use of parentheticals, etc.) as people will open and close scripts the minute they run across errors in them.

Hope this helps.
[/quote]

Thank you for all the great advice, Dave.  I wrote this prior to joining this group and getting all the great "learning" from you guys.  You are right, I plan to go back and polish the entire thing using your suggestions.  Appreciate your time in reading this.  

Best wishes for a Merry Christmas!

Kathy

Quoted from kcranford In my opinion, because of your storytelling strengths, and your sense of character you have a ton of potential as a writer. However, you do need to spend some time earning the craft of screenwriting (formatting rules, scene headers, proper use of parentheticals, etc.) as people will open and close scripts the minute they run across errors in them. Hope this helps.

Thank you for all the great advice, Dave.  I wrote this prior to joining this group and getting all the great "learning" from you guys.  You are right, I plan to go back and polish the entire thing using your suggestions.  Appreciate your time in reading this.  

Best wishes for a Merry Christmas!

Kathy

[/quote]

My pleasure - Merry XMAS!

John, aka "Shakespeare on Toast", I haven't heard back from Don re: uploading the revised version of this script.  Hopefully he's taking a couple of well-deserved days off.  Anyway, here's a link to the new and improved "Happy Holi-DNA".  After the original was posted here, I fortunately received some "tough love" critique from Dave Lambertson (El Dave) and also learned a great deal from reading other scripts and conversing with others on SS.  So here's the newest incarnation.  It may still not be perfect, but I do hope it's an improvement.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/13gDaF6rbTFNQ0xLSm71mPqEW9V_4otm8/view?usp=drive_link

Hi Kathy.

I said I'd read your screenplay since the DNA theme is at the front of my mind right now.

My wife is related to EDWARD 11 according to her geneology result. But if you find anyone that's remotely related to Jack the Ripper do let me know as I'm a Ripperologist and will probably die not knowing who the hell he was.
I was wondering, is the Duke of Romania a metaphor for Count Dracula?

I love the set up here- I have read the first 35 pages and the way you never gp off the subject matter like the "DA v DNA" Jake seems to be the go to guy when it comes to DNA, however Meggie is about to go on a journey methinks along with Emily.

This intertwines so perfectly and I am seeing a familiaraity here with my screenplay. The percentages of heritage is well researched and quite funny when you think about it.

So now we get to the nitty gritty (lol)

What are the chances of that? A lovely twist of fate and  end to a budding relationship between Elizabeth and Jake. I love the humour and the directional asides which I feel would be better spoken as a V.O.

When a character speaks thoughts as a voice over that really works better for me than a direction. It 's more personal.

Also I liked David's intervention to get to the truth.

So, continuing on... Wow Kathy, I didn't see that coming at all. What a great little twist to a fine story. I reckon if you tidy this up you will have a great piece of work to present to a publisher. A lovely story rounded off perfectly.

Talking format issues and some typo errors.

Good luck with this and thanks for giving me the chance to read.

Best.

Done Kathy.

John, thank you so much for the read and your kind comments. I’m glad we have our DNA interest in common.  I actually re-read the script for the first time in awhile yesterday and sure enough, I also caught the formatting errors (dammit) even though I thought I had cleaned them up  :(. Formatting has always been my Achilles Heel.  I’ll go back and polish a little more and correct them.  I’m glad you enjoyed the script and again many thanks for your time and comments.

Kathy

Your welcome Kathy. Enjoyed your storytelling.

I had a frustrating day at work and needed something to turn my mood around. I saw your name on this and I had to read it. I wasn’t disappointed. Thank you.

I love the double twist. I admit that I wasn’t completely surprised but delighted nonetheless. This was a nice read and put me in a Hallmark mood.

I read through the comments and may have a couple of things to add.

You use O.C. (Off Camera) instead of O.S. (Off Screen). I have seen a comment for a different script where it was pointed out that O.C. is archaic and mostly used for television. Personally, I don’t think it makes a difference although I did swap out all my O.C.s for O.S.s in something I wrote and I have used O.S. since.  I thought I would share that.

On page 15, there is a line from Mr. Nelson, “Yes your honor. If it please the court, this is…”
I think it should read, “Yes your honor. May it please the court, this is…”

I noticed that you like to bold your scene headers. I also noticed that on page 33 and at the top of page 46, there are headers that you didn’t bold.  I don’t know if that was intentional, but I thought I would point it out in case it wasn’t.

I didn’t find any typos. I look forward to your next story.

Kathy, I breezed through this with not a lot of scrutiny but note a couple of minor things, spaces missing in a slug or two etc.

I notice you FADE OUT at one point and didn't FADE UP again.

The room buzzes with LAWYERS and STAFF preparing for yet
another day of legal battles. SARAH ELLIS, (late 20s) a
paralegal, a little frumpy perhaps, sits at her desk which is
currently overrun with Christmas DECOR - a small tacky tree,
an elf on the shelf, cheap tinsel strung about. Sarah
plainly loves Christmas. She “oohs and ahhs” over some image
on her smartphone. A YOUNG WOMAN (late 20s) approaches;
professional, polished. This is E. MARGARET “MEGGIE” PEARSON,
she carries a legal file in one hand, briefcase in the
other. She stops to take in the sight. Sarah is not only
her assistant but her friend and confidant.

I would definitely split that para (considering it's introductions) of two separate characters. Not to mention your main character (star) deserves an intro para of her own.

I wonder about this line towards the end, if 'one' is a typo.

MEGGIE
And for once you were one time.
He's late a lot, right?
On time?

If Hallmark hasn't called you yet they should.
Very nicely done.
And not a Nurse in sight.  :D

Quoted from D.A.Banaszak I had a frustrating day at work and needed something to turn my mood around. I saw your name on this and I had to read it. I wasn’t disappointed. Thank you. I love the double twist. I admit that I wasn’t completely surprised but delighted nonetheless. This was a nice read and put me in a Hallmark mood. I read through the comments and may have a couple of things to add. You use O.C. (Off Camera) instead of O.S. (Off Screen). I have seen a comment for a different script where it was pointed out that O.C. is archaic and mostly used for television. Personally, I don’t think it makes a difference although I did swap out all my O.C.s for O.S.s in something I wrote and I have used O.S. since.  I thought I would share that. On page 15, there is a line from Mr. Nelson, “Yes your honor. If it please the court, this is…” I think it should read, “Yes your honor. May it please the court, this is…” I noticed that you like to bold your scene headers. I also noticed that on page 33 and at the top of page 46, there are headers that you didn’t bold.  I don’t know if that was intentional, but I thought I would point it out in case it wasn’t. I didn’t find any typos. I look forward to your next story.

Thank you so much, Michael.  You know how much I value your reviews.  You're right about "O.S." vs. "O.C." .  I've seen both used, but it's never a bad idea to go with current trends. I need to do another run through of this, so I'll correct that and also the scene headers that need bolding - I somehow missed a couple.  I'm glad you enjoyed the story.  As I told "Shakespeare on Toast", it was written from my own experience of finding my birth family through the magic of DNA, so this one is close to my heart.  Thanks again for the read.  I appreciate it more than I can say.   :K)

Quoted from LC Kathy, I breezed through this with not a lot of scrutiny but note a couple of minor things, spaces missing in a slug or two etc. I notice you FADE OUT at one point and didn't FADE UP again. The room buzzes with LAWYERS and STAFF preparing for yet another day of legal battles. SARAH ELLIS, (late 20s) a paralegal, a little frumpy perhaps, sits at her desk which is currently overrun with Christmas DECOR - a small tacky tree, an elf on the shelf, cheap tinsel strung about. Sarah plainly loves Christmas. She “oohs and ahhs” over some image on her smartphone. A YOUNG WOMAN (late 20s) approaches; professional, polished. This is E. MARGARET “MEGGIE” PEARSON, she carries a legal file in one hand, briefcase in the other. She stops to take in the sight. Sarah is not only her assistant but her friend and confidant. I would definitely split that para (considering it's introductions) of two separate characters. Not to mention your main character (star) deserves an intro para of her own. I wonder about this line towards the end, if 'one' is a typo. MEGGIE And for once you were one time. He's late a lot, right? On time? If Hallmark hasn't called you yet they should. Very nicely done. And not a Nurse in sight.  :D

Thank you so much for the read, Libby.  You are spot on right about that rambling paragraph introducting two characters - especially the "star".  I will go back and split that up as suggested.  Great point.  And yes, that's a typo, so I'll correct that one while I'm going back over.  Thanks for catching that.  These reviews are absolutely priceless and I appreciate your keen eye for detail - it sure helps to polish a script.  There's a term we use in the horseshow world - barn blind.  It simply means that one usually has trouble finding fault with something you have created, groomed and loved.  Same applies to scripts.  They definitely need an objective eye cast on them.  Again, appreciate you so much!

I thought I'd post yet another trailer done for me by Mea Via Productions.  This one for "Happy Holi-DNA".  I don't know that it entirely portrays the holiday connection of the script, but I do feel having a visual product is a plus in marketing scripts.  I had a producer from a major streaming company (40+ completed and aired projects) request to read the script last week, so it's now in his hands.  Holding my breath and awaiting the verdict.  I did go back an implement the suggestions above into the new and improved script.  Also, I just received notice from yet another producer that my submission of "With Love, From Romance" has moved to the "elevated consideration" level, so I'm waiting anxiously to hear further on that one too.  In the end, script writing is just another "hurry up and wait" endeavor, frequently stretching over years.  I suppose patience and dogged determination are both virtues, right?  Thanks in advance for any prayers or positive thoughts for a successful outcome for one or preferably both!

https://youtu.be/lz92q-aTbtw?si=4NZW4Sdgc2HDrJ5x

That’s awesome to hear, Kathy. Fingers crossed!

I think 'the power of love' in the wording of the voice-over would have worked better to finish with, but hey, everyone's a critic, right?

Kathy, that is amazing news re your producing leads. Prayers, good thoughts, crossed fingers, touch wood, rabbit's foot, the lot.

Btw, did these producers contact you from seeing your work here?

Quoted from LC I think 'the power of love' in the wording of the voice-over would have worked better to finish with, but hey, everyone's a critic, right? Kathy, that is amazing news re your producing leads. Prayers, good thoughts, crossed fingers, touch wood, rabbit's foot, the lot. Btw, did these producers contact you from seeing your work here?

Thanks for the well wishes, Libby.  One script was a submission to an Inktip lead and the other through Network ISA, both searching for Holiday scripts suitable for streaming providers. One specified they wanted Holiday scripts but NOT Christmas. Fine! I had one centered around Valentine’s Day!  So now we wait…..