I just figured out how to start a new topic!  I actually posted this yesterday under an established thread so please excuse the duplication.    ::)

I actually have several loglines for 5 completed screenplays, 2 in progress and 1 in (mental) development:

1.  "Essex"  **An Historical Drama**
Intrigue and betrayal surround a young immigrant as he attempts to rebuild an exclusive horse racing track in the early twentieth century.  Based on the true story of Essex Park Race Track.

2. "Every Time It Snows"  **Holiday Drama** (Revised)
A young nurse and an engineer, both army veterans, meet unexpectedly years after their military service has ended. After a disturbing discovery threatens their relationship, only a Christmas miracle can save it.

3. "Happy HoliDNA" **Holiday Romance**
When a young woman submits her DNA to a registry, little does she suspect how discovering her family ties will jeopardize her romance with a new found love, in this light-hearted, holiday-themed look at modern science versus the modern family.

4. "With Love, From Romance"  **Holiday Romance**
When a reporter receives a Valentine’s Day themed assignment, a postmark sends her on a journey to a town named Romance.

5.  "Let That Pony Run"  **Drama**
When a divorced mother and her two children move back to her home in West Virginia, a local veterinarian enters the picture not only to help care for an aging horse but to provide a new chance at love.

6.  "Santuario"  **Drama**
When an immigrant mother and her two children are detained, a priest is enlisted to help stop their deportation and provide sanctuary (santuario).

7.  "Christmas Joe"  **Holiday Drama**
In 1967 a bedraggled stranger appears in a small southern town.  Who is this difficult man who has shown up at a most inconvenient time - four days before Christmas?  Is he just another loner, down on his luck or has he come to bring a more important seasonal message? Based on a small town legend.


8.  "The Santa Diet"  **Holiday Rom-Com**
After a Thanksgiving binge,  a local food critic decides to get back in shape for the annual "Jingle Bell Ball" despite being targeted for failure by a famous chef, in town to prepare for the event.


I would appreciate any thoughts on these.  I am a Registered Nurse by education, but have always been a writer at heart.  I have yet to have a screenplay produced but have penned several articles for nationally syndicated magazines.

Thanks in advance for your comments!

While none of these loglines really resonate with me... I'm only 1/7,973,918,140 of the population, so take my advice with a grain of salt.

There seems to be a lack of stakes in your loglines.
These people don't risk anything.
They're just going about their lives and things are happening.

Take Essex for instance...

Quoted Text Intrigue and betrayal surround a young immigrant as he attempts to rebuild an exclusive horse racing track in the early twentieth century.

What's at stake? What happens if he fails? What happens if he succeeds? Why do I want to watch this?

I don't know the details of this story, but here's how I'd write this...

In order to stay in the country, a young immigrant must prove his worth by rebuilding an exclusive horse racing track in a town where not everyone wants to see him succeed.

Or Every Time It Snows....

Quoted Text A young nurse and an engineer, both army veterans, meet unexpectedly years after their military service has ended.  A widow and a divorcee, a disturbing discovery by one of them threatens their budding relationship in this holiday-themed family drama.

I'd write...

Years after their military service, a young combat nurse and a field engineer unexpectedly meet and try to rekindle the passion they once had, but ghosts of the past threaten to end their budding relationship before it has a chance to grow.

Something like that.

Give me something to root for and something to get in the way.

-Jordan

Well…..most of these used to include a lot of what you’re referring to…..until I was told by a producer to shorten them up, the fewer words the better, don’t tell the whole story in the logline, it’s a teaser not a synopsis…..you get the point.  So I spent some time reading loglines of successful movies like: “When a teenage girl is possessed by a mysterious entity, her mother seeks the help of two priests” or “A boy who communicates with spirits seeks the help of a child psychologist”. Wow, do those loglines not even begin to describe those two (obvious) movies!  Anyway, love to get the feedback. It’s a good thing to hear ideas that are not coming from inside your own head LOL.

You might be right...

I stand by my first suggestion.

But my second one should be:

Quoted Text Years after their military service, a young combat nurse and a field engineer unexpectedly meet and try to rekindle the passion they once had, but ghosts of the past threaten to end their budding relationship before it has a chance to grow.

-Jordan

Spoiler….actually they had never met - he served with her husband who was killed in action. But I get the point of your suggestion. Thx

Ah... I see.

Well fine then... I'll just write my own combat nurse/field engineer script.  ;)

LOL And I’ll be the first to read it!  You’re a good sport  :)

Update:  I took Nomad’s (Jordan) advice and revised, or maybe just tightened up my logline somewhat for “Every Time It Snows” :

**A young nurse and an engineer, both army veterans, meet unexpectedly years after their military service has ended. After a disturbing discovery threatens their relationship, only a Christmas miracle can save it. **

Better? Worse? Meh?

As always, appreciate any feedback.

Quoted from kcranford Update:  I took Nomad’s (Jordan) advice and revised, or maybe just tightened up my logline somewhat for “Every Time It Snows” : **A young nurse and an engineer, both army veterans, meet unexpectedly years after their military service has ended. After a disturbing discovery threatens their relationship, only a Christmas miracle can save it. ** Better? Worse? Meh? As always, appreciate any feedback.

It's great as is but I'd personally go stronger and add clarity with the relationship (love) and use a more pithy verb like 'destroy' to up the stakes.

A young nurse and an engineer, both army veterans, meet unexpectedly (by chance?) years after their military service has ended. But when a secret from the past threatens to destroy their love, only a Christmas miracle might save it.