Don't Skip by Yuvraj Rajwanshi - Short, Horror - Even a simple choice can cost you your life. 2 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Yuvraj,

Creepy going ons in this little tale!

Very sinister in an ambiguous kinda way. Maybe a little short in the narrative to really get my teeth into but on the flip side - could be the perfect little project for an aspiring horror filmmaker.

Thanks for the read,

Colin

Thanks Colin for reading and commenting. Really appreciate it.

You had a few minor technical mistakes, but it was a good read. Fun story. :)

Thanks Chris for reading and commenting. Really appreciate it.

Can you please point out the minor technical errors that you spotted? It'll be helpful.

Sorry, I was tired when I read the script. :)

I personally would have put spaces before the opening parentheses. (OFF SCREEN) is typically (O.S.)

And I'm used to FADE IN: and FADE OUT, so seeing "END" where FADE OUT should be strikes me as odd. There's recently been some debate here about FADE IN: so it appears to be a personal choice. I use it all the time.

Hope this helps.

Chris, I'm with you. Us traditionalists will continue to use Fade In.
Part of the magic if you ask me.
Notwithstanding OWCs.  :D

Btw,Yuvraj, I did read the script but kinda didn't get it. That might just be me.

What's up, Yuvraj. Happy to see you still putting out work. I think there is some potential here, but it doesn't really work. Some choppy writing as well, though it definitely has improved. Some cool visuals. Don't give up on this one.

Thanks, Libby and Zack for giving it a read.

This was just a one scene horror concept for a short. Nothing much.

Quoted from ChrisBodily I personally would have put spaces before the opening parentheses. (OFF SCREEN) is typically (O.S.) And I'm used to FADE IN: and FADE OUT, so seeing "END" where FADE OUT should be strikes me as odd. There's recently been some debate here about FADE IN: so it appears to be a personal choice. I use it all the time.

I agree that it's just a personal choice. Also, it saves space. So there's that as well. :)

Thanks again.

Hey Yuvraj,

This was a solid read... it really boils down to the ending, which I liked. Leaning into the visual of the face and TV with more cinematic language and detail could strengthen the effect.

Format-wise, right off the bat, there were a few adverbs ending in -ly, which generally can weaken a sentence because you aren't getting the most out of verbs and nouns, just be judicious with them I guess. You effectively used mini-slugs inside the house, which kept the flow and pace moving.

BLB

Quoted from Busy Little Bee Hey Yuvraj, This was a solid read... it really boils down to the ending, which I liked. Leaning into the visual of the face and TV with more cinematic language and detail could strengthen the effect. Format-wise, right off the bat, there were a few adverbs ending in -ly, which generally can weaken a sentence because you aren't getting the most out of verbs and nouns, just be judicious with them I guess. You effectively used mini-slugs inside the house, which kept the flow and pace moving. BLB

Thanks BLB for reading and commenting. Really appreciate it.