Ghost of Halloween Past by Moe - Short, Family, Animated - It’s Halloween, and a newly adopted pet hamster must escape his haunted cage with the help of the previous hamster’s ghost. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

It's well written, and with excellent descriptions. Seriously, can you write mine?

However, it took 7 pages for something to happen, and I feel like the stakes (curse) weren't high enough. Too much time was spent establishing things that I think you could have done without. Just get straight to the stakes in something like this, and then build from there. IMO.

Good job overall. Be curious what others think.

From a formatting perspective I'm not sure that underlining pet store is necessary or what it is trying to highlight.

Confused, you say the Hamster is called Bub, then Peter names it Burp?

Though I am loving the introduction of Art ;-)

Ah, name confusion resolved - nice.

'Succumbed to' that feels awkwardly phrased. A few other typos here and there but I do like the visuals in this script, has me smiling.

So, the curse is not really one, though nice attempt to get it in at the end, and there's no midnight deadline (I don;t think)

But it's well written and I enjoyed it,

Good job

Heather needed to call in Dwayne LaFontant with his illicit Depelter Turbo!  That would have taken care of that little rascal Belch, uh Burp, uh, Bub.  This had a lot of Over the Hedge / Toy Story vibes.  Picturing Art in my head I see the glow in the dark Geico Gecko Funko Pop figure.  I liked it, but I wish you would have introduced the cat sooner.  Foreshadowed the confrontation at the end.

l gotta say, writer -- I like it more than I should. I don't normally go for these types of stories. Minor thing, I think you're stretching it with the curse bit. Overall a fun read, nicely done.

All the best,

Ghost

I enjoyed the read, most likely because it's well-written. Your descriptions were solid so I could visualise everything you wanted me to.

Also for me, there was a 'Tom and Jerry' vibe when the cat came into the action, I love a bit of that - miss Tom and Jerry.

Sadly, hamsters do get neglected so it's cool that you've used this OWC opportunity to highlight this in a fun and comic narrative. Though I do just feel that maybe a flashback to Art's neglect ala 'A Christmas carol', would give Bub and the reader that extra motivation to get him the hell out of dodge. But appreciate we had a limited page count.

Great work though.

A nice animated tale with a twist of fate at the end. Decent effort.

Good luck.

The descriptions are really good, I can see the visuals clearly when I read the script. I thought everything was well-paced, and the story was cute. Good job!

I'm glad this is noted to be animated - as an ardent animal lover, it was hard to get past a poor little pet dying from neglect and then the brave little hamster at the end.....let's hope he's in "hamster heaven" LOL. I comforted myself with placing it, as someone else said, on a par with a "Tom and Jerry" episode.  It is a sweet story though, one little pet trying to save another from a similar fate and that is a redeeming quality....in any of us....you know,  "do unto others" and all that stuff.  Thanks so much for sharing!

Writer,

Nice job! Poor old Bub. Well, at least Art got his freedom. Anyway, this is written well, descriptive but not overly so. The action was solid. Not much more to say really. I thought this was a fine entry! Good luck.

Steve

Agree with Ant that succumbed is not the word you're looking for - confined maybe, or just imprisoned.
I think you could handle the names a little better though it becomes clear.

Not really seeing a midnight deadline and you played fast and loose with the curse but your tale (no pun intended) kept me enthralled.

You really don't need the long setup to establish Heather staying at home, and I'd edit that if I were you.

Very nicely written, the comical farce of events was well choreographed at the end and I enjoyed it.

Perhaps rethink the ending so Bub doesn't cop a raw deal after all.

First one for me. Loved it. Excellent writing, cute story. Nailed the challenge. Nothing else to add. Great work here. A strong entry. ;D

I'm still smiling! What a GREAT script! I don't think a filmmaker will pick this one up due to the CGI/animated stuff needed, but who knows. It might gives someone a great idea for something.

Your writing was great and it read fast and I saw everything. It was funny. Very funny actually, but at the same time kind of sad. I'm an animal person and I love animals. I do think it's great that kids get experience with animals at an early age, but I also know that most of the small animals bought for kids end up suffering. Probably mostly due to lack of knowledge by the parents.

That said, I think this one is one of the top contenders for me. 8)

I LOVED this one, Sean! I gave it an EXCELLENT! My only one.  8)

Thank you all for your reads and comments.

I wrote this based on my current hamster, Moe. He's had a rough run but I'm nursing him back to health.

Had fun writing this one, so I'm happy to hear everyone had fun reading it. It's a short based on an idea I have for an animated feature I might write...one day...

Anyway, thank you all again for the reads and consideration.

Sean

Very hard to write a funny script but you managed to do it. Honestly, the Ghost Hamster had the perfect amount of wit and charisma to make me keep reading.

Only criticism I have is the ending. Seemed like it could've been a little better.

Overall, a lot of potential here in terms of a young/young adult animated short. I hope you develop this!

Just read it and it's a very nice script! I was into it throughout. Nice suspence and all.

The only thing I didn't understand why Art wasn't free after he died.
I also think Bub is going to need more convincing from Art in the rewrite. But I understand that there are only 10 pages etc. So for the challenge it's a perfect script. Very captivating and PG-13, wow