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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Review My Logline  /  Logline for a sci fi pilot
Posted by: Hallucigenia, October 23rd, 2022, 8:52pm
An inexperienced businessman is forced to choose between allowing his only investor to torture the startup's artificial intelligence product or hold to his ethics and risk losing the company.
Posted by: Desmond, November 6th, 2022, 9:33am; Reply: 1
Confused here. How do you torture artificial intelligence
Posted by: Hallucigenia, November 7th, 2022, 5:40pm; Reply: 2
Torture doesn't have to be physical.
Posted by: Matthew Taylor, November 7th, 2022, 6:56pm; Reply: 3
You could switch to A.I product, making a bit more streamlined. Other than that, I like it. Curious to see what the product is
Posted by: eldave1, November 7th, 2022, 7:04pm; Reply: 4
Intriguing - so mission 1 accomplished.

I think you could do better than an inexperienced businessman. Saying that because that probably isn't his barrier/challenge. Perhaps A financially strapped businessman ??? Also - is he more businessman or more inventor?
Posted by: steven8, November 7th, 2022, 8:05pm; Reply: 5
With his professional back to the wall, a desperate entrepreneur is forced to choose between allowing his only investor to abuse the startup's artificial intelligence product or hold to his ethics and risk losing the company.

A financially desperate entrepreneur is forced to choose between allowing his only investor to abuse the startup's AI brainchild or maintain his ethics and risk losing the company.
Posted by: Hallucigenia, November 8th, 2022, 4:24am; Reply: 6
Thanks for the suggestions. I would surely incorporate some of the ideas, however I submitted the pilot last week. I  assure you, I will alter the logline for the next time I submit the pilot.

EDIT: The "inexperienced businessman" is exactly that. He has fallen ass-backward into running the startup. He does not have the experience or skill needed, but he does, thanks to the investor, have the money.
Posted by: Matthew Taylor, November 8th, 2022, 4:48am; Reply: 7

Quoted from Hallucigenia
Thanks for the suggestions. I would surely incorporate some of the ideas, however I submitted the pilot last week. I  assure you, I will alter the logline for the next time I submit the pilot.

EDIT: The "inexperienced businessman" is exactly that. He has fallen ass-backward into running the startup. He does not have the experience or skill needed, but he does, thanks to the investor, have the money.


Best of luck with the submission
Posted by: steven8, November 8th, 2022, 5:56am; Reply: 8
Best of luck to you!  Make sure to let us all know how it comes out.
Posted by: Hallucigenia, November 9th, 2022, 3:35pm; Reply: 9
Alas, as I expected, my script has been rejected. Although I think the story is good and the hook is killer, I did write it from scratch in two weeks. Next year, after I've finished a script I'm writing now, I will revisit it as part of my plan to always have a series and a film prepared to send out (preferably more than one).
Posted by: Matthew Taylor, November 9th, 2022, 4:11pm; Reply: 10

Quoted from Hallucigenia
Alas, as I expected, my script has been rejected. Although I think the story is good and the hook is killer, I did write it from scratch in two weeks. Next year, after I've finished a script I'm writing now, I will revisit it as part of my plan to always have a series and a film prepared to send out (preferably more than one).


That was a quick turnaround from submission to answer, what did you submit it to if you don’t mind me asking?
Posted by: Hallucigenia, November 9th, 2022, 4:39pm; Reply: 11
It was quick, but I imagine it was a case of LIFO (last In, First Out). It could also be a case of the logline not clicking with the reader.

Edited LIFO because it's a slow morning for my brain.
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