I have to write a log line for a competition. The rules for this are “A logline one or two sentences which clearly and succinctly tell us who and what the story is about (maximum 400 characters including spaces).”

This can be difficult as there are a lot of intricate parts to this. I could do this in more than 2 sentences but at 400 characters that would be 2 very long sentences. Can someone have a look at his (especially punctuation). Would this entice you to want to have a read?

Rosy and Lucy is a comedy about 2 teenage lesbians who live with Stewart, Rosie’s younger brother with mild down syndrome,  but  he is a very clever and can be a  devious practical joker. New neighbours have moved in next door who are strict Roman Catholics with Molly (mum) being against same sex marriages and relationships, however her daughter Brigid is more than helpful to cover things up.

Hi Desmond.

You don’t need character names in a log line, it’s a waste of valuable space.

At the moment the longline doesn’t tell us much about plot. I assume the protagonists are the lesbian couple and the antagonists are the new neighbours, but what is there goal? What are the stakes if they don’t achieve that goal?

Also if it’s a comedy, try and inject comedic tones into the longline.

Sorry, should have said. This is a situation comedy. 30 minute scripts. Each episode is part of this triangle of people. With both Stewart and Brigid covering up problems from the RC mum Molly. In one episode new commer Molly finds it strange that 2 gorgouse girls next door don't have boy friends and decideds a little bit of match making.

Should add that they pretend to be sisters to the next door neighbour Molly.

HOW ABOUT THIS

Comedy about 2 teenage lesbians pretending to be sisters who live with Stewart, Rosie’s younger brother with mild down syndrome, but  he is a very clever and can be a  devious practical joker. New neighbours have next door who are strict Roman Catholics with Molly (mum) being against same sex marriages and relationships, however her daughter Brigid is more than helpful them to cover things up.

I realise know that writing a log line is that you know what it is all about and forget they don’t. This is better 2 sentences and under 400 character’s. Just.

Sitcom about Rosie  and Lucy, 2 teenage lesbians passing as sisters living with Stewart, Rosie’s younger brother who has mild down syndrome, but  is a very clever and a  devious practical joker. New neighbours next door who are strict Roman Catholics with Molly (mum) being against same sex marriages and relationships, however her daughter Brigid is more than helpful them to cover things up.

In one house we have –

Lucy the teenage lesbian

Rosie the teenage lesbian

Stewart the Down Syndrome kid.

Next door –

Molly and family – strict Roman Catholics.

Molly’s daughter – Brigid.

Where are the teenage Lesbian’s parents?

Is this set like in the 1950s or something? I don’t think it would really fly as a concept set today. It would be like five minutes. Molly – I don’t like Lesbians. Lesbians – bugger off. And done. What you’re missing for me is the so what. Molly’s religious beliefs don’t tolerate lesbians – why in the world would the teenagers care if she does or doesn’t???

Anyway – all that being said. I think it’s something like:

With the help of her prankish down-syndrome brother, two teenage lesbians hide their sexual orientation from their ultra-religious and nosy neighbor.

But – again – this seems so 1950s.

No you don't understand. Parent's have moved away giving their house to their children. You clearly don't get comedy and peoples beliefs. Maybe the parents are Donald trumps. Get a life.

Quoted from Desmond No you don't understand. Parent's have moved away giving their house to their children. You clearly don't get comedy and peoples beliefs. Maybe the parents are Donald trumps. Get a life.

You are not going to last long here with attitude.

I was only trying to help with what is a pretty obvious premise problem.  Which BTW you misunderstood.  It wasn't that a neighbor would find them offensive.  It was why would the girls give a sheet if they did?

I gave you a suggested log line.

Secondly, I have 5 separate scripts in the PAGE finals in the comedy category.  I think I understand comedy.

Harden up. You're going to have to handle criticism if you want to be a writer.  Believe me, mine was mild.

Eldave, I like your suggested logline. It trims the entire premise into a neat package. A producer once told me that a logline is a teaser, not a synopsis - keep it short.  Desmond, you asked for ideas, and I think this one is a winner.  I tried to come up with something better and I couldn’t.

Quoted from kcranford Eldave, I like your suggested logline. It trims the entire premise into a neat package. A producer once told me that a logline is a teaser, not a synopsis - keep it short.  Desmond, you asked for ideas, and I think this one is a winner.  I tried to come up with something better and I couldn’t.

Thanks

Quoted from Desmond No you don't understand. Parent's have moved away giving their house to their children. You clearly don't get comedy and peoples beliefs. Maybe the parents are Donald trumps. Get a life.

im gonna vote twice for the Donald

Desmond, my 2c.

It's not that your plot/premise is incredibly tricky and complicated (btw, your title should be included in your thread heading) it's that you're finding composing a Logline difficult, period.

If it were me I'd be studying the art of writing Loglines - plenty of resources available to do that.
Look specifically at famous Sitcom loglines.

This is for a Logline competition?
I personally would work on that Logline until I thought I really had it to near perfection before posting for help. I'd feel weird others doing it for me, considering it's a comp.

What's the prize?
Is the winning Logline's script going to be read? Is a Pilot Ep to be made?

If not, concentrate on the art of writing, and by extension writing Loglines and Synopses.

And, as you've probably surmised by now, not a good idea to respond ungratefully to one of the most helpful regular members (and nicest guy all round) on these boards who has achieved much success. He would likely have helped you more. He probably still would. Gift horses, shooting oneself in the foot etc.

This is the FINAL log line for a competition for script writers. I wanted help on my final idea, not an vindictive assassination by someone who is against the idea of a comedy about lesbians as eldave1 did.

This is a sitcom. The clue is in sitcom. It is intended for the British sense of humour,  but mine invokes 3 angles to it. This is final logline, to a series completely written with a synopsis for each one, and an overall synopsis for the whole preemies of the comedy. It is not a suggested logline for an intended comedy.

Sitcom about Rosie  and Lucy, 2 teenage lesbians passing as sisters living with Stewart, Rosie’s younger brother who has mild down syndrome, but  is a very clever and a  devious practical joker. New neighbours next door who are strict Roman Catholics with Molly (mum) being against same sex marriages and relationships, however her daughter Brigid is more than helpful to cover things up.

Quoted from Desmond This is the FINAL log line for a competition for script writers. I wanted help on my final idea, not an vindictive assassination by someone who is against the idea of a comedy about lesbians as eldave1 did. This is a sitcom. The clue is in sitcom. It is intended for the British sense of humour,  but mine invokes 3 angles to it. This is final logline, to a series completely written with a synopsis for each one, and an overall synopsis for the whole preemies of the comedy. It is not a suggested logline for an intended comedy. Sitcom about Rosie  and Lucy, 2 teenage lesbians passing as sisters living with Stewart, Rosie’s younger brother who has mild down syndrome, but  is a very clever and a  devious practical joker. New neighbours next door who are strict Roman Catholics with Molly (mum) being against same sex marriages and relationships, however her daughter Brigid is more than helpful to cover things up.

I am not against a comedy with lesbians. I pointed out a problem you have. It is a simple one. Why in 2022 would any gay person feel the need to conceal that from their neighbor?

That was it other than the improved log line I offered you.

Dude. Seriously,  if you are a writer seeking feedback this stuff is mild and par for the course.

Maybe in Your AMERICA they don’t. Can't understand why there is hostility to these people in your own armed services and the racism also which we see here in the UK and on in newspapers. Religious American fanatics who like to riot over abortions.  

FYI, there are lesbians and gays in this country that preferer to keep it quiet. And you are forgetting the word Sitcom. Don’t know what your suggestion weas as all I got was ranting.

Eldave. Let me see one of your american scripts. All we see here is CHEERS. A bunch of men with beer bellies propping up a bar. Not the same as only fools and horses is it.

Sitcom about Rosie  and Lucy, 2 teenage lesbians passing them selves off as sisters just for the benefit of the new next door neighbours. Rosie having had a very bad if not violent relationship went off men some months ago and got into a lesbian relationship. She would like to keep it calm around the new next door neighbours.
Rosie’s younger brother Stewart has mild down syndrome. He  is a very clever and somewhat cocky individual with a sense of humour and a  devious practical joker.
Rosie’s parent’s who are very rich left her and Stewart the house at a knocked down price and moved to Cornwall for a fantastic job opportunity in Medicine. They decide to have some fun with the mother next door over her narrow mined Christian  views. The daughter next door Brigid with the help of Stewart join in with this.  

This is a staggering 816 characters but may make it easier for Eldave to understand as it explains all his problems with this including, why the girls want to keep it a secret.

Molly’s religious beliefs don’t tolerate lesbians – why in the world would the teenagers care if she does or doesn’t??? EXPLAINED.

Where are the teenage Lesbian’s parents? EXPLAINED

But – again – this seems so 1950s. No it is not even these days life like this goes on. Even in America.

Desmond:

A) Before asking for help on a logline you should actually do some research on what makes a good one, and look at some examples. Based on your attempts, you have clearly not done this.

A quick google shows a wealth of resources.

https://screencraft.org/blog/how-to-craft-the-perfect-tv-series-logline/
https://industrialscripts.com/famous-logline-examples/
https://filmlifestyle.com/how-to-write-tv-show-loglines/

B) Despite not having completed A, you received help anyway. So when you receive help, even if you do not agree, you could at least be courteous. Attacking people and generally acting like a prick may hinder any help you receive in the future.

C)

Quoted Text All we see here is CHEERS. A bunch of men with beer bellies propping up a bar. Not the same as only fools and horses is it.

Quit making stupid comments on behalf of Britain. Next time, use "I" instead of "We"

What makes you think I have n ot done 'A' I no waht I need to write. The problem is there is a lot of significant angles to this. Maybe you could answere a few of my questions.

Eldave asks where are her parent’s and why does Rosy care about the relationship. In my very long log line I have explained this in depth. My question to you is, should this all be included in a log line. I have to do this in 400 characters and only 2 sentences. I have completed ‘A’

https://industrialscripts.com/famous-logline-examples/#h-what-is-a-movie-or-tv-show-logline

But the logline must get across the key, distinctive elements.
This it does using 400 charecters and 2 sentances. This can not be reduced without affecting the powefull eliments of the comedy.

Who is my protagonist? Molly
What do they want? To protect their relationship from an interfearing women next door.
Who/What is against my protagonist? Molly and her views on same sex relationships.
Why is vital for my protagonist to achieve their goal? The girls are open about their relationship but very protective when it comes to Molly. This bit is not included as such but is seen in the comedy.

Actualy the protagonist is Rosy. who want's to protect her relationship. from Molly the antagonist.

Quoted from Desmond Actualy the protagonist is Rosy. who want's to protect her relationship. from Molly the antagonist.

Desmond, just an FYI:  To add a line like the above to clarify your previous post use the 'full edit' function under 'modify'.

Okay. I did not understand the button Modify. Most sites use edit. These buttons are ridiculously small and hard to read. I used to be a website developer years ago.

I would still like to know why it is important to know where Rosie's parents are as they play very little role in this.

Protagonist is Rosy including Lucy and Stewart with his disability.
The Antagonist is primarily Molly who’s daughter Brigid pushes against in favour of them next door.
Stewart and Bridged are the same age and good friends although he fancies her rotten.
Stewart plays a very vital role in this comedy with his disability and without him it would not be funny.
I grew up in a Roman Catholic family, so I know how they can behave. Don't forget Father Ted.
As stated earlier Rose is new to this lesbian relationship and does not want Molly to find out (yet)

How can all this be compressed into a log line without loosing the intensity of it.

This is part of a completion with the BBC. All scripts will be read, at least the first 10 pages to start with. I have tried to get as much intensity into this slugline as I can without leaving out the main characters Rosy, Lucy, Stewart (with disability), Molly and Brigid. I believe I have achieved as much as I can without reducing the desire to read.

Lots of British comedy can be summed up in a simple log line like:

Dad’s Army: A ragtag group of Home Guard volunteers prepare for an imminent German invasion during World War II, commanded by a pompous bank manager who thinks he knows everything about war and fighting.

Birds of a feather: Comedy about two sisters Tracy and Sharon who’s husbands are in prison after an armed robbery, who have a sex mad neighbour Dorian.

Red dwarf: A comedy 4 people traveling around deep space in a rust bucket of a space ship.

Eldave  said he had given me a log line but I can't see it. Is it hidden in another part of the forum?

Dave suggested this:

With the help of her prankish down-syndrome brother, two teenage lesbians hide their sexual orientation from their ultra-religious and nosy neighbor.

I know you don't need names BUT:
With the help of Stewart her prankish down-syndrome brother, Rosy, with the help of her lesbian partner Lucy, hide their sexual orientation from their new religious and nosy neighbour Molly (mum). Brigid, the daughter from next door is more than keen to help them out.

It is only Mum that is like this. The rest of the family could not care but the boys next door rather fancy the girls.

Story is our opportunity to challenge prejudices, not to reinforce them through easy and convenient story used to preach to our own choir. Are you writing to entertain or move the audience, or, to preach to them?

That's just my question & two cents as an old story whore. Good luck.

I am writing to hi-light the  prejudices and to expose them for what they are in a commercial way. Much the same way as Farther ted and back in the 60s a famous stand up comedian Dave Allen did. It is done as Kenny Everette would say “In the best possible taste.”

Quoted Text Maybe in Your AMERICA they don’t. Can't understand why there is hostility to these people in your own armed services and the racism also which we see here in the UK and on in newspapers. Religious American fanatics who like to riot over abortions.

There is still hostility towards gays in America. For the third and final time – that was not the point. It was why would the gay people give a crap what their bigoted neighbors think to the point of concealing who they are. Any producer reading your pitch/logline is going to be asking themselves that question.

Quoted Text FYI, there are lesbians and gays in this country that preferer to keep it quiet. And you are forgetting the word Sitcom. Don’t know what your suggestion weas as all I got was ranting.

Then include that reason/objective in the logline – it will help your would-be producer/reader understand.  

The logline I suggested was clearly stated in my original post that you ranted against. You went so far off the reservation with your reaction you didn’t see it.

Quoted Text Eldave. Let me see one of your american scripts. All we see here is CHEERS. A bunch of men with beer bellies propping up a bar. Not the same as only fools and horses is it.

You see more than Cheers there and it takes about 2 seconds of Googling to see these. Here – this took me two seconds:

MODERN FAMILY

Three different but related families face trials and tribulations in their own uniquely comedic ways.

SEINFELD

The continuing misadventures of neurotic New York City stand-up comedian Jerry Seinfeld and his equally neurotic New York City friends.

CHEERS

The regulars of the Boston bar "Cheers" share their experiences and lives with each other while drinking or working at the bar where everybody knows your name.

MASH

The staff of an Army hospital in the Korean War find that laughter is the best way to deal with their situation.

ALL IN THE FAMILY

A working class man constantly squabbles with his family over the important issues of the day.

THE OFFICE (AMERICAN VERSION)

A mockumentary on a group of typical office workers, where the workday consists of ego clashes, inappropriate behavior, and tedium.

Note: if you were talking about my comedy scripts – just hit the link below my signature.

Quoted Text Eldave asks where are her parent’s and why does Rosy care about the relationship. In my very long log line I have explained this in depth. My question to you is, should this all be included in a log line. I have to do this in 400 characters and only 2 sentences. I have completed ‘A’

I asked those questions because the answers were needed to improve your logline. The one you have is horrible.

Now that I have the answers, I would think something like this would work:

Left in charge of her family’s home, a teenage lesbian with a newly arrived live-in lover partners with her clever, prank-loving down-syndrome brother to convince their ultra-religious, nosy neighbor that they are a traditional conservative family.

The above certainly needs more work/trimming – but you get the point.

SUMMARY

Okay, Desmond – this is going to be my last post here. I have done all I can do.

You seriously need to take stock of your reactions to feedback here. This is a place where we offer congrats as well as criticism when people seek it.  You specifically asked - Can someone have a look at this (especially punctuation). Would this entice you to want to have a read?

If you are only expecting praise, this really isn’t the place for that.

Wrong
Left in charge of her family’s home, a teenage lesbian with a newly arrived live-in lover partners with her clever, prank-loving down-syndrome brother to convince their ultra-religious, nosy neighbour that they are a traditional conservative family.
It is Rosie’s house. She is buying it at a knocked down price from her parents. She was in a relationship before she moved in. The next door neighbours are not ultra-religious and they are not conservative.

Last poste:)

I will stick with the last log line which you partialy supplied.

Quoted from Desmond Wrong Left in charge of her family’s home, a teenage lesbian with a newly arrived live-in lover partners with her clever, prank-loving down-syndrome brother to convince their ultra-religious, nosy neighbour that they are a traditional conservative family. It is Rosie’s house. She is buying it at a knocked down price from her parents. She was in a relationship before she moved in. The next door neighbours are not ultra-religious and they are not conservative.

“Thanks, Dave for the continued advice even though I clearly don’t deserve it.

That’s a great starting point for me but I’ll tweak it a bit to fit the script (since you haven’t read it so how could you possibly know the intricacies of the characters)

Much appreciated”

- that would have been the non-asshole way to reply, in case you were wondering.

Quoted from Desmond I am writing to hi-light the  prejudices and to expose them for what they are in a commercial way. Much the same way as Farther ted and back in the 60s a famous stand up comedian Dave Allen did. It is done as Kenny Everette would say “In the best possible taste.”

Regardless of the log line, genuinely flawed characters who change from within, is the foundation of good story. I like your passion, Desmond, and wish you luck.

Thanks Robert. As I said before all scripts (1,000 or more) will be read to at least the first 10 pages. I have tried to cram as much as I can into these 10. It starts with the disillusionment  of the new family thinking next door are perfect, nice happy, well organised and well educated professional family only for the other side of the coin a precarious and some what stupid difunctional family to be seen. What else is comedy about?  I think this will FLY.

Thanks again.

I presume this is all for the BBC's writer's room open call scripts?

Correct. I have been working on this for months and have 6 good episodes. I got carried away. I enjoyed writing them and with the support I got here, corrected the layout of the script. It was the layout that has let me down in the past. I have still done it in MS Word with carefully constructed style sheets. I believe all my other submissions were good but got rejected because of the badly formatted layout.

Not sure which to use though

INT. KELLY’S HOUSE – KELLY’S LIVING ROOM – MORNING

INT. KELLY’S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – MORNING

And I wouldent mind looking at a step outline or as the americans call it a beet sheet.

Well, good luck with your submission - It's a tough gig, I tried a few years back and was, of course, rejected, to be fair I was nowhere near ready. They seem to want the finished article, which I don't think is right given that you go into a development group.

Also, many of the writers they select seem to have a lot of credits to their names already.

Anyway, sheer determination will put you in good stead and certainly looks like you got that, I'm thinking of giving it another go, persistence might be what they're after.

Also - reading this thread, as entertaining as it is, I think we need to bite our lip in this game, as painful as it can be at times.

Good luck, you never know...