Don't Look by A Person, Place, Or Thing - A family's thanksgiving dinner is interrupted when they're visited by a godly being. 7 pages  Short, Horror

First one

It's a Thanksgiving script, so a few characters will be introduced at the table. So we have 5 straight off to remember.

I’m sorry, sweetie. I just...
(beat) I’m sorry. (beat)
Please, let me at least say grace.

I don't remember the last time I saw (beat) used as a parenthetical. You could be more expressive (lowers his head), for example.


CARL (just let him)
Sure, Mark.

(just let him)  Obviously should be dialogue.  

Sure, Mark    I'm guessing Val said this

There' s a few errors scattered throughout but at the end of the day you entered.

Storywise and probably SPOILER ALERT !!!!!!!!!!!!

This "Thing" visits  
It’s what gave us the nice lives we’ve lived.


I feel like the whole premise was rushed. Does he visit every year otherwise, the daughter would know at least?  How come grandpa is still alive and only lost his eyes? whereas his daughter and son-in-law kill themselves.

However, it will visit, as it just has. And when it does again, which it will, it will take what it needs.

I don't think you know what it needs and I certainly don't know what it needs.
I don't know what it shows up on Thanksgiving
I don't know know why it stalks this family for generations and only certain times???

How long do they close their eyes? How do you know when the Thing is gone?

I'm sorry but there are so many loopholes

Great job on entering though and the script itself was a breeze to read

Hi writer

Okay, yeah. Writing’s tight, not your first ro-DAY-o. Honestly thought we we’re going way of a dark satire with Grandpa’s first words, but alas… it went dark, in more ways than one.

Grandpa says he saw God and took his eyes out, but this presence, or ‘thing’ that came about as an uninvited guest seems far removed from any God I’ve come to believe in, lest it was the Prince of Darkness himself, an inversion of God but omnipotent none the less, and there is a history of practicing the dark arts from within this particular family.

Still many questions to be had here. Why this strange and evil being returns on Thanksgiving, and why single out this family? I’m guessing there might be a disturbing past that forces this lineage to repent for their sins, atone if you will, and therefore, any and all born into this family are prime fodder for the ‘beast of burden’  because they carry the blood of the original tribe that once committed something so heinous… there could never be refuge or forgiveness.

The Hatfield’s and McCoy’s of the underworld. It seems it (Thing) wants to feed, to satiate with fear and hate, that which makes it stronger, and curiosity always gets the best of its prey, all they have to do is look at what’s coming for them. Interesting take on  why we give ‘thanks’ once a year. Best of luck.

m'I Ritingw tihs erview thiw my esye colsed, so ti yam be onfcusing.  On'td ksa me to poen hemt.

Reminded me of both Raiders of the Lost Ark - Whatever you do Marion, don't open your eyes! and the episode of the X-Files where the guy who failed to die in the yellow fevel palgue kept trying to get a look at death so he could die.

Very creepy.

So, the God showed Grandpa everything... but, killed the others? Why?

I guess that's my biggest complaint on this one: it seems like you were making up the rules as you went, and you never settled on what they were.

The writing itself was fine, but I just never got a grasp on what the world was.

Hi Writer

Not a fan of how the characters are introduced in a list.

Seems more like Grandpa summoned this thing rather than it visited to collect something.
There's no context in what this thing provides other than what Grandpa says, no mention that they are incredibly wealthy or lucky or anything.

I don't think this can stand on it's own as short the way it is. Not a well-rounded satisfying story with too many loose threads, and when we begin to pull on those loose threads they just start to fall apart.
Ending on an exposition monologue about what just happened is not a good way to end in my opinion

Best of luck

Well, if any of us thought we would get remakes of "Thanksgiving on Walton's Mountain", boy were we wrong!
The first thing that came to mind when reading this was visions of "Bird Box".  You did a great job of building tension and fear in the characters (and readers), but as some others said, I wondered why Grandpa was allowed to live, although blinded, and the others were killed?  And not sure I would have described this "thing" as "Godly". As alluded to by Matthew above, was Grandpa actually evil as well?  Did this thing come at his bidding?  I have questions about so much here.  Overall, this is tight and suspense filled writing.  Thanks for sharing and good luck with this eerie story.

Not loving how the characters are introduced, but loved this line...

It was on Thanksgiving, a long, long time ago. I took my eyes out with a fork after I saw the face of God.

That got my attention ;-)

And that was different, can't wait for Christmas and New Years!

I liked the horror aspects, but there's a lot of plot holes that I think a re-write and maybe an extra page may help fix.

Decent effort

Didn't like the character list at the top either, but it's debatable in this case if they were introduced via action if they would have been more memorable.

I think the strength of your story is in what we don't see. We don't see the horrific thing. You might want to consider also just leaving his rampage to sfx only, and aftermath. Our imagination can fill in the gaps and often be more powerful.

I don't understand why the two latest victims were killed (this thing makes them kill themselves) and Grandpa had his eyes (sight only) taken, and surely this is your whole premise... though that alone is confusing. Perhaps Grandpa was spared his life cause he didn't open his eyes and the others did. Oh God, I'm confusing myself now.

I like Grandpa's poetic words but think he should have seen the 'face of the devil or evil', not God, for it to make coherent sense.

There's a lot to like with this but it leaves too many questions unanswered, not least why this family?

Definitely worthy of a rewrite.

P.S. I doubt the 'thing' would knock on the door, maybe banging and scratching instead.

I looked...and I got a little confused.

After the many comments above I would only ask would it have been better to have
Grandpa' set up with: "I took my eyes out with a fork after I saw the face of THE DEVIL."

That would might better explain the visit and the carnage.

Excellent effort!

Writer,

Written well, but, imo, missing some context. Just who or what was this godly being, why does it come and if it’s supposed to protect why is everyone dying?? Not doing it’s job well, this godly being. Anyway, it had all the elements of a good story — good writing, story, tension. Overall, was missing the why and the hoe and the who. Good work, though!

Steve

Oh wow, that was terrifying!

Reminded me of Gogol's Viy.
A very good short, gave me creeps.
A beginning is a bit sudden - the question is out of place. Maybe work on that entrance. Great job overall!

Ahoy writer,

This didn't come anywhere close to dinging my bell. My reaction was, "What, that's it?" . It's well written, It flows. Very quickly. A nice smooth read for the most part, but... hmm, no easy way to say this, the story, such as it is, comes over as an idea which you haven't examined creatively enough. Not bad though. Best of Irish luck! :)-A